October 4th 2010
Hello Zacko.
I have a blog, and a journal; but I want to tell you before I tell either of those things. It's weird, you've kind of become my diary. Only when I'm writing to you, I feel like I'm not just writing down my feelings to let it out- it actually feels like I'm talking to you; well, almost anyway.
it happened on Saturday night. The day was good, busy- like every day, but it was good. I got some cute pictures of the kids, and Zack, well he said something that amazed all of us. I was sititng on the couch, he pointed his finger towards the kitchen, gave me an evil stare and said "Go clean." I MEAN, WHAT A JERK! I DONT WANT HIM GROWING UP TO BE... A GUY. He has to be sweet and sensitive. But no. He has to be sexist. I blame Uncle Tommy. Anyway, he told me I liked cleaning. I said, "How do you know mummy likes cleaning, hey?" And then he just said it.
"Zacks always right."
We were all like WTF, becasue I mean, he knows he has an Uncle Zack (Ukack he calls you) but we dont talk about you THAT much. And you always used to say that. I mean, this is just a guess, but I really hope its the truth- Zack Faith is a little mini version of Zack Love. I really wish you were here to see him.
Okay, onto the sad part of the story, which I've been procrastinating telling you. We were all in the livingroom and the doorbell rang. I bet that it was you guys, and Cole and Tommy bet it was Claire. I went to go answer it. I opened the door- and there was Tommy's grade 5 teacher- Ray fucking Hugo. And before I could make any noise what so ever, he put his hand over my mouth and pulled me out the door, closed it behind him- stuffed me in his car, and drove away. It all happened within the span of 15 seconds.
I still havent told Cole the details of what happened in the car.
He tied me up, so I couldnt unlock the car and get out. Because I would have. No matter how fast we were going.
Man, we were going fast. Too fast. Way to fast. I thought it would be a miracle if we didnt crash.
He kept one hand on the wheel, the other hand gripping tightly onto my shoulder.
I dont know why, I couldnt get out anyway. I was tied tight.
Really, really tight.
I was screaming, but I cant really remember what I was saying.
"PLEASE!" "DONT!" "PLEASE DONT!" "PLEASE!" "LET ME OUT!" "PLEASE!" " LET ME OUT, PLEASE!"
The sound of my voice was so desperate.
and he'd glance over at me, but I'd make sure our eyes didnt lock on each others.
I didnt want that to happen.
and he said so calmy, like this wasnt the first time he had done this.
"its okay. I'm not going to hurt you."
But I didnt believe a word he said.
I know rape.
I've been raped before.
And I know what guys act like when they are about to rape.
He wasnt going to rape.
No.
He was going to rape, then kill.
The drive was long.
A lot happened.
I still cant explain it all.
It was all leading up to the moment-
not the moment he took me to wherever the hell he was taking me
not to the moment he raped me
but to the moment he was going to kill me.
Because I knew he would.
We got to his apartment.
I couldnt bear to think about what Cole was doing about all this.
I couldnt bear to think about what Cole would do once he found out I was dead.
But I thought about it.
And I knew if I died, Cole would die.
He'd kill himself.
And our four kids, and Tommy would be alone.
I didnt want Cole to die.
I didnt want them to be alone.
So the second he untied me, I kicked that bitch in the balls.
I fought so hard.
With everything I had.
I'm stronger than I think.
Last time I got raped.
After Derek, your brother, raped me.
Cole wanted to make sure it would never happen again.
We pretended to fight- me and him.
I learned how to punch without breaking my fingers.
I obviously learned more than I gave myself credit for.
I was strong.
And I fought that evil man for so long.
It felt like hours.
it was probably close to an hour.
I was exhausted.
I could barely breathe.
But I didnt give up.
And he could not get me into his apartment.
We were in the back alley.
It smelt terrible.
The trash cans werent closed.
It was such a stereotypical place to rape and kill someone.
But i fought so damn hard.
It wasnt so much the fact that Cole would kill himself
its what his reaction would be when he found out I was dead.
What would he say? Would he even speak at all?
Would he run away? Or would he be still? Frozen?
or would he kill himself so fast that he couldnt even think about my death?
He couldnt even think about what the kids would be like in the future.
They would wonder who they're mummy and daddy were.
God, I fought so hard.
I never knew why I was fighitng.
I knew in the end i would die.
I had barely any hope.
But then I heard sirens.
And blue and red flashing lights.
And in the distance I saw a police car.
Coming towards us.
I kept fighitng.
They could see me.
And then I was safe.
He was taken away.
He's behind bars now.
But I'm still scared its not over.
I'm in Cole's arms now.
Again.
Safe.
Okay.
I'm okay now.
That was written in a poem format. One day, I should make a remix to that and make it rhyme. Oh that would be good times.
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