Letter to Vanessa (#3)

October 17th 2010
THE CHRONICLES OF COLE AND CLAIRE.
Hell.o. Vanessa.

So as you know (well, as I pretend you know), I've been emailing your husband for almost a year about all the lovely things that have been happening in my life. The emails dont send, ever. You guys havent been on these emails for so long, that they just shut down. But I write them anyway, and think that some how, some way; you get them. And some how, some way, you read them. And your concidering seeing me again :) Oh, I wish that could be true. Really, all I can hope for is that your all okay. And that your doing things in your life. That you live life every day, get dressed, eat, laugh. Just the normal things. Thats what I want for you. Whether its with us, or without us. I've learned to live without you.

What a great introduction. Okay, Vanessa- I really should have emailed you all this time. Theres a lot I gotta tell you. Starting with, I'M SO FUCKING SORRY! For everything I ever did with Zack, for everything I ever said about Zack, and mostly the way I felt about Zack. I'm so sorry, I should have let you be with him. I shouldnt have gotten in that deep, I shouldnt have gotten in deep at all. And if it makes it any better, I'm over Zack. I'm completely over him, and I miss him; but in the right way. I miss all the things we could have done together. All the FRIENDSHIP things, and I'm so, so sorry. If by any chance, if theres any chance at all, that I see you again, I will treat you, and him, and all of you with respect. I'll be nothing more than friends with Zack, I dont want to be anything more than friends with Zack; and its not only because I know its wrong now, its because I'm over him. I dont want him in that way, not at all. I dont want to hear him say he loves me, I want to hear him telling me some retarded joke. I want to hear him laugh, I want to hear all of you laugh. I want to be a family again, but not a disfunctional one like we were before. No affairs, no kisses, nothing like that at all. Just friendship, laughs, and lots of good times.

You still have no idea how big a douchebag I feel for being that girl. For being that homewrecker, for both your family and mine. I'M SO SORRY.

I know how it feels now.

Fuck.

I'm so sorry.

I wouldnt wish that pain upon anyone. Not me, not you, not anyone. I totally feel like you, like Vanessa. Cole would be Zack. And... Claire would be me. Fuck, I hate Claire. I want her to go away. You must be happy I'm gone. Claire came in almost a year ago. Well, I guess she was there before. Her and Cole dated when they were like, 15. And had the twins- Jaxon and Julia, remember them? A lot of crap happened when we were teenagers, but it was normal. Nobody was married, nobody was completely in love. HE CHOSE ME. He had no regrets about that decision. He made that clear. He loved me, he wanted me. He seemed so sure of it, up until January- I was so sure of it.

In November, Claire came to our house. We hadent seen her in years. Fuck. She was pretty. And she came in with tears in her eyes, she said she was sorry. She said she was in love with Cole. Straight up. Just blunt and honest. And I guess that would have been okay, if she had left it at that. We could help her get through it, but Cole went along with it. Part of me doesnt blame him. He's a guy. He's young. And he got married when he was ninteen, and had kids when he was 21. He never got to be a teenager. He was too busy taking care of my ass. And then Claire came along, and offered him the life a 22 year old should have. I think thats what he fell for. He never fell for her, it was being young. They did a lot of crap together. OOHKAY, I REMEMBER THIS DAY CLEARLY. November 29th, Zack's first birthday. We thought Cole and Claire hated each other. We were scared they were going to fight, but Jaxon and Julia wanted to come. And Claire came too. THIS IS HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN.

-The doorbell rang, and Cole and Zack went to answer the door. It was Claire, and Jaxon, and Julia. Both of them looked down. It was awkward. Then Zack pushed Claire and said "NO!" He didnt approve. Cole said sorry, but it was like.. SO AWKWARD. Its awkward writing it now. There was so much hesitation. it took like ten seconds to say "sorry about that." And then when he invited them it, it was so fucking funny. He said something like

"Uh... yeah... so... come."

And Tommy just burst out laughing, and then Cole did. And Claire expression was totally something like "I cant believe I fucked this guy." But then he tried to make it better by saying

"I mean. Come with me." No, it didnt make things any better. More laughter. And then Claire said she should go. I wish she went. BUT THEN I HAD TO COME INTO IT. I just said

"Hi."

Cole said,

"This is my... uh..."

And she said

"Yeah I know. Havent seen you since you were a slut."

We worked everything out. We enjoyed Zacks first birthday, and then everyone else left. Claire had just discovered that Cole had another kid, Claire wasnt the mom, and I wasnt the mom. Cole got around. What else can I say? We all sat down.

Cole: I was screwed up. She just happened. And she happened after us.

Claire: Us? Since when was there ever an us?

Cole: Uh, maybe when we got pregnant and I helped you raise them for two years.

Claire: If there was an us you wouldnt have left.

Cole: I told you. I fell in love. Not with you.

Claire: But we had kids together. How could you do that?

Cole: I fell in love with someone else. I didnt mean too.

Claire: You were either with me, or with Maria. So when you had that other daughter, who were you cheating on?

Cole: I was cheating on Maria. Not you. So calm down.

Claire: I dont want you seeing my kids.

Cole: OUR kids, and we agreed on it.

Claire: I dont want you to see them anymore.

Cole: I LOVE THEM. What do you think I'm going to do!? I'm not going to leave them.

Claire: I dont know, Cole. But you're going to find some way to hurt them. You always hurt me. Every time I look at you.

Cole: No, Claire. The past hurts you. I dont hurt you, its the past.

Claire: Maybe its not the past, maybe its the present.

Cole: What are you trying to say?

Claire: Everytime I look at you, a part of me dies.

The lightbulb went off in my head then. "OH MY GOD, THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT ZACK LOVE!" I wanted to say. But I hoped that I was wrong. I wanted, more than anything, to be wrong. She could not be in love with my husband. Not him.

Cole: Wow, I'm not that ugly.

Claire: No, your not. Your the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

Cole: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

Claire: NEVER MIND!

Then I was like. Fuck. I gotta pop the pimple.

Me: Your in love with him.

Then she just burst out crying.

Claire: I gotta go. I'll be back later... for Jaxon and Julia, I mean.

Cole: Hey, dont cry.

Fuck, now he was gunna go all sweet and be all nice and she was gunna kiss him. This has happened too many times before. Only I'M the Claire.

Claire: I'm sorry, I can leave.

Cole: NO, dont. I mean... you dont have too. If you dont want too.

Claire: I miss you.

Those words hurt the fuck outta me. She started crying harder, and I dont know WHY I SAID IT, it just came out.

Ma: Should I leave?

And Cole nodded yes. And I left. Well, more or less. I spied. And I remember almost everything word for word.

Claire: I'm so sorry. You have a beautiful wife, and adorable kids, and I shouldnt be doing this.

Cole: Doing what? You arent doing anything.

Claire: But I want too.

Cole: Zack and Maria.

Claire: What?

Cole: Nothing. never mind. I need to clairfy something with you.

She waited for him to talk again.

Cole: You dont have to leave me. I wont leave you. But it will be a lot different.

Claire: I want you so bad. I want you to want me.

DUDE, BITCH STOLE MY LINES! I SAID THAT TO ZACK!

Cole: That's okay.

Claire: I'm sorry.

Cole: Dont be.

Claire: Dont leave.

Cole: I'm not going anywhere.

He held her hands.

Claire: I've been waiting for you to say that for a long time.

Cole: Need a hug?

Claire: Yeah.

They hugged each other. She looked up at him. AND BAM. Started making out with him. He.Never.Pushed.Her.Away.

He. kissed.her.back.

Then I came in the room.

It was horrible.

Claire left.

I let it go.

I shoudlnt have let it go.

WHOA, ALL THAT FOR THE DAY CLAIRE CAME INTO THE PICTURE? WE HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN TO THE PART WHERE HE GOT HER PREGNANT! Wow, I think the length of this email really says something about how much I MISS YOU. But I'm sure your interested in all the drama.. right? Alright, so here we got again. Part two, of the affair.

We invited them over. The three of them. Candles lit, and all that stuff. it had been a while since the incident above, and we were all for the JUST FRIENDS thing. Zack was being retarded, so Cole was punishing him when Claire came. I answered the door. We smiled at each other and said hi. It was weird. We all sat down together. Candles, alchohol, all of us. It was so weird. Claire stated just that.

Claire: Candles, alcohol, us. It's just weird.

Cole: Just like old times, right?

Claire: More or less.

They were on different couches. Thank God. it got awkward for a minute.

Cole: SO. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

Claire: You.

Cole: Oh.

Silence. Again. Cole was drinking. A lot. And fast.

Claire: You're drinking really fast.

Cole: Yeah.

Claire: Why?

Cole: Dont know. Nervous, I guess.

Claire: For what?

Cole: You're drinking a lot too.

Claire: I guess so.

Cole: Why?

Claire: Nervous. ... I guess..

I got a phone call. Brennah and Adams babysitter canceled, adn they needed me there. I dont know why I left them tehre. With candles. And alcohol. And each other. Maybe part of it was my fault. Tommy is awesome, and wrote down EVERYTHING they said.

Co: I remember Ja did something like this when he was about X’s age.

Cl: You actually remember?

Co: Yeah… why wouldn’t I?

Cl: I thought you’d just forget and move on.

Co: I’ve never gotten over them, Cl. I’ve always loved them.

Cl: *smiles* What about me?

Co: I love you, too.

Cl: Wow.

She sat beside him. X was just kind of sitting on the floor doing whatever.

Co: *looks at her* Hey. You have green eyes.

Cl: Yeah…

Co: Guess I’ve never really looked you in the eyes before. Or… for a while.

Cl: You must have forgotten.

Co: I’m pretty forgetful.

Cl: No. You aren’t.

Co: Should we go downstairs and finish our drinks?

Cl: No.

Co: Something’s wrong.

Cl: Why? Cause I don’t wanna drink?

Co: No. Cause of the way you’re looking at me.

Cl: I always look at you like this. I look at everyone like this.

Co: Oh, really? Without a smile, glossy eyes. Something’s wrong, Cl. You’re sad.

She moved closer to him. A lot closer. She looked down.

Cl: Something’s wrong with you too.

Co: Why do you think that?

Cl: I just know.

Co: You’re crying.

Cl: How would you know that? My heads down.

He lifted her chin up. Getting a little touchy, hey guys? But seriously. This was like a chick flick.

Co: Not anymore. *PE*

Uh oh.

She put her arms around his neck and kissed him again. But not long. Just like five seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Done. Or… that’s how it was supposed to be. She looked him right in the eye, her arms still around him.

Cl: Sorry.

Co: *smiles* It’s okay.

And then this crazy thing happened where she didn’t kiss him, he kissed her. And it wasn’t like the first kiss, or the second. It was like a total make out. I set my timer and then focused on the action.

He moved his hands down her back and she moved her hands by his chest. She pushed him down so he was laying on the bed and they kept making out.

Cl: I love you.

Co: I love you too.

They just kept making out, Cl laying on top of him now. Finally, he pushed her away. This had lasted exactly 3 minutes and 9 seconds. That’s freaking like 189 seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8,9,10,11, SO ON SO FORTH.

Co: I’m sorry. That was my fault.

She just looked at him.

Cl: Were we about to… like…

Co: Probably. Let’s go downstairs.

Cl: Yeah… okay…

But neither of them moved. They just laid in bed staring at each other.

X: Dada, where mama?

Co: With Ava. Come here.

Co picked up X and headed to the door.

T: Shit!

Me and Ja scrambled to my room.

Ja: That was so CRAZY.

T: They were gunna like… have sex!

Ja: I KNOW!

Tommys words hurt. A lot. Cole told me everything when I got home. Everything except that he told her he loved her.

And that was the end of part TWO.

Alright Vanessa, I'm going to go. Looking forward to part three? I hope so.

I really miss you.

So much.