S.
I want this to be a long email no matter what, but I dont know what direction its going to take. All I know is that its been a whole year since I've seen you. A whole fucking year. And I'm depressed, but so proud of myself. This experiance, and all the shit I've been through in the past year has changed me completely and I am a way better person now. If it was a year ago, and I knew what was going to happen in the next 365 days- I would have killed myself. If I had known then what I know now, if I knew then that I was never going to see you again, I would have killed myself. But I'm here today. And I'm strong. And I have a family, and I have friends. I just dont have you. And as hard as it is to say it, its okay that I dont. I got over you. I never let you go, but FINALLY, I'm starting to move on. And it hurts like hell. This past week has been HORRIBLE, but I'm doing it. I've been fighting this battle for way to long, and now I give up. And I'm not giving up cause I'm weak, Im definitly NOT weak, but I think thats what I need right now. A break. I cant fight for anything right now.Hey, if its meant to happen, it'll happen. And I'm saying it will never happen, because it MIGHT. Im just not going to make it happen. But I know that it probably wont happen. And I havent accepted that fact yet, but I'm on my way. ZackLove, all I can do is pray now. I just want to have a dream about you, to feel close to you for a second, I really hope I can one day. But you know what, enough of what I dont have. Lets talk about what I DO have. Lets talk about the things and people who got me through this past year.
The People...
1) God. Which is weird, me and God have never been that close. I've always known him, but we were never on speaking terms. Not until this year, when I started to pray my ass off. I talked to God every night, hoping that one day I would get to talk to you. I even prayed to you, as odd as it was. I pretend I'm talking to you, and I wait to here your voice. Hey, maybe I couldnt talk to you, but I found a way to talk to God. And that way was you. I found a reason to talk to God. And the reason is you. You were kind of the key to our relationship. Hell, you were the key to a lot of things.
2) ZackFaith. I cant say I replaced you, but you know the reason I named him Zack in the first place was so that I could always have a Zack of my own. So that I could always be able to have some "Zack and Maria time" despite which Zack it was with. I knew this might happen, and I'm glad I got prepared for it. Cause my Zack is the biggest reason I'm still alive now. He makes me feel so much closer to you. And it AMAZES me how much he acts like you. SERIOSULY, ITS AMAZING. He says "Zacks always right" and "Mummy I love you." He has this Zack smile, you know? He sings. He plays. He likes to beat up Tommy. And he dances just like you. He always shakes his butt, and after his baths he stands infront of the big window COMPLETELY NAKED, and shakes his butt, with his toy guitar in his hands, and just ROCKS OUT. We hang out in a treehouse together, its TOTALLY the new "Shack of Maria and Zack." You know, I never thought I'd ever be able to survive without you. Now I realize that all I need is a Zack. And you were an amazing Zack, and I'll always miss you. But I have MY Zack now. And I'm so thankful for that.
3) Tommy. Because we relate SO well. We can talk about you gusy for hours on end and never get bored. We talk about the things we did together, the thigns we said, the things we felt. We talk about things we should have done together, things we wish we would have said, and about how much we missed those feelings. He doesnt make me feel any better, in fact, a lot of the time we bring each other deeper down, but we get each other. We're there for each other. And we see each other going through this pain that is so un describale. But we're going through it together. Tommy really misses you. Thats one of the main reasons I want you back.
4) Cole. Obviously. Because when I'm upset for whatever reason (and the reason is usually about you) he is always, ALWAYS there. He holds me, and kisses my head. And it happens a hell of a lot, but Cole never seems to get tired of it. We've gotten to the point where he doesnt even ask me whats wrong. He just holds me, and kisses me, and says, 'It'll be okay. Hang in there, Maria.' He's always there, and he always will be there. And thats really something I need. Because my parents cant be here anymore, becasue Tommy cant be there for me, I need to be there for him. Because my siblings arent always there for me, because you cant be here for me. Cole is the one person I will always have. He is the one person who will always have me. And, again, I really need that in my life. But it always gets me a little bit shaken when he says 'You miss Zack.' Because the way he says it now hurts. Because he knows. Its just a fact now. That I miss you. And everyone can tell.
5) Skye. Skye hasnt ever made me feel any better about losing you. But she sure makes me feel worse about it all the time. Every new day with her is a new day I'm without you. When she was one week old, I hadnt seen you for a week. When she was a month old, I hadnt seen you for a month. When she started crawling, when she started walking, when she started eating all by herself. Shes like a little clock, and each little tick is another moment spent without you. But I think thats what I need. its what I always wanted. I dont want to forget how long its been, I dont want to forget you. I dont want to forget anything about you. I dont want to forget any memories I had with you. And she is just a little reminder that you were here. And shes a little reminder that you arent here anymore. But I believe that your out there somewhere. You have to be out there somewhere.
6) Ivy and Lily. I cant honestly say the twins play a huge part in helping me along with my greif, because they just joined us two and a half months ago. But I do know that this past year has been so, so depressing but when I look back on it I think 'the twins were born.' And that was such an amazing thing. Through all this depression, and all this pain, they gave me happiness. Thats something Cole cant even do. Nobody else made me happy in the past year. Only the twins made me feel like that. They make me feel like I'm glowing, and thats exactly how you made me feel. And yeah, that happiness has gone away. But that day they were born, I got that happiness for a moment. When I held them for that first time, they were all that mattered. I forgot everything else. And I was happy. I want that again.. I want it so bad..
The Quotes...
1) Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is, anyway? - Frank S
2) My ship in its harbour is safe, but thats not what ships are for. - John S
3) Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived much for fulfilling lives than those who put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure. -Cole
4) Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down. -Ray Bradbury
5) Depressed people think they know themselves, but maybe they only know the depression. - Tommy
6) Its not what you look at that matters, its what you see. -Henry David Thoreau
7) We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. -Kenji Miyazawa
8) I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too. -Missy Altijd
9) Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. - Cole
10) Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. -Edna St. Vincent Millay
11) If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill
12) You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. -Jan Glidewell
13) There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. -Harry Crews
14) Rock bottom is good, solid ground. -Cole
15) God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them. -John Aughey
16) Missing you could turn from Pain to Pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too. -Authur Unknown
17) Every kind of parting is a form of death. Parting is all we know of Heaven, and all we need to know of hell. -Emily Dickinson
(I actually laugh at how much that last quote grabs at my heart, and the chicks last name is Dickinson)
Songs...
1) There you'll be- Faith Hill
2) Far Away -You
3) Thunder- You
4) Only Hope - Kellyanne
5) Last Song - Dave Days
(haha... well... the saddest part is how much I can relate to this song... and its about Hannah Montana. Blame Tommy. Please.)
6) Stay With You- You
EVERYTHING THAT ISNT SAD.
Wow, this is a LOONNNNGGG email. And know whats weird? After writing it all, I suddenly feel SO much better. It must be the late night spell. That thing always gets to me. I just feel so relaxed and stuff at night. SO. A year, hey bud? How are you taking this? Did yah think of me today? You must know it was the one year annaversary. You know all that corny/sweet stuff you used to say to me? Well Zack, its sure paid off. Because even though all the people, quotes, and songs helped- the words you said in the past were the MOST important key to me moving on. Hm, lets have a little segment of "The things Zack said to me that make me smile all the fucking time"
The things Zack said to me that make me smile all the fucking time...
S: Not matter what the status, I'll always love you.
S: I'll miss you, too...
OKAY FUCK IT, WE'RE USING ACTIONS TOO. Good Lord, this would be so embarassing for you to see. I still kinda want you to, though...
So, we're laying in bed and I'm crying cause thats waht retarded Maria always does. You put your hand on my chin, and make me look in your eyes.
S: Thats right, I can touch your chin whenever I want too.
Then you smile.
Again, we're laying in bed. You stare at me and DO NOT LOOK AWAY.
Ma: Why are you staring at me like that?
S: Because I know it makes you nervous.
We smiled. My cheeks were red as hell, I just know it.
Oh yes, this night. We were laying in bed. My back was turned to you. You hugged me from behind and whispered near my neck so I got all ticklish and all that good stuff.
S: Your my bestest friend EVER!
You let go.
S: No. Broken. My bestest broken ever.
Dude, this happened all the way back in 2007. We were cuddling on your couch, and I was all depressed cause thats how the old, retarded me was.
Ma: I always feel like I'm falling. And sometimes I land on the clouds, but when the clouds disapear I just keep falling, and falling..
You pulled me closer, and looked at me.
S: If you were ever falling, I'd catch you.
From the same night as the "bestesst broken ever" thing. We were laying in bed just talking about unicorns or some shit- which wasnt really shit cause it wasnt serious, and that was a first. Anyway, yeah. What you said made me feel happier than you know.
S: I like you this way.
I like me that way too. Thats the way I am now.
Oh remember the good ole days when I was throwing myself at you and you were like "TITS OR GTFO" .. sorry, I watch too much Ray William Johnson. You were more like "GTFO OR GTFO" Yeah so I was crying, but heres a twist, WE WERE SITTING UP. Yeah, my head was on your knee. Then I took my head OFF your knee :O
S: I'm proud of you for that.
Fuck yeah.
Hm, I think this was the beginning of 2008. Good times. We were cuddling on your couch once again, and just having a good ole chat.
Ma: Why do you kiss me?
S: Are you sure you want me to tell you? You might say 'awe' again.
(I wish I remember why I said awe the first time)
Ma: Dude. Tits or GTFO. tell me.
S: Because I love you.
You rubbed my arm and brought me a little closer to you.
S: A lot.
AWE.
So heres another one form 2007. Me and you were yet again, cuddling on your couch. Tommy is sitting near us.
T: Ma, why are you cuddling him?
S: I'm cuddling her.
I dunno. it was just cute.
DUDE, REMEMBER IN 2008, WHEN I WENT REALLY FUCKING EMO AND CUT MYSELF AND BURNT MYSELF ALL THE TIME? Yeah, remember when I went into a coma? You totally woke me up. You sat there for like half an hour and just talked to me, and the last thing you said to me right before you woke up was awesome.
S: Wake up, love.
Yeah, love.
Oh, and heres one from the day after I woke up from my coma. You were holding my hand.
S: I've missed you.
Such proper grammar, Zackary, I'm impressed. Then you kissed my forehead. AWE.
OH, ANOTHER ONE FROM DECEMBER 13TH 2008. Good freaking times.
S: Well.
Dramatic pause.
S: I think you're the first "broken" I've ever had.
Yeah, we just smiled after that. It was a good thing. Good times being broken.
remember when we were douche bags? ;) Good times. Heres one of those times. We were in the water at your cabin, you were holding me.
S: So, you said you'd kiss me again?
You smile. I smile.
Ma: Yeah. KISS OR GTFO.
You kiss me.
S: And theres a lot more where that came from. ;)
OOOH.
October freaking 11th. Good day, hey? its basiclly cause Kellyanne rocks. So I was being a douche and basiclly tlaking about how much I just wanted to cheat on Cole. And so we were talking about "exceptions"
Ma: What kind of exceptions?
S: Good ones.
You kiss me.
Im happy. :)
And then there was Spring Break... oh lord, should I even go there? Yeah, I should. So remember when we were just chilling in our treehouse, and I was pretty much pretending it was opposite day. So I was like.
Ma: I LOVE YOU.
S: Ma, I hate you too.
You just know that I love it when you say my name before you say you love me :) And then you went on about how much you loved me, and you said I was so amazing and all that good stuff. Then you finished by saying
S: And its not opposite day anymore.
AWEEE. LURRVE YOU BBQ!
Same night as the one i wrote before, we were having a sleepover. I was laying in bed, and you were about to come to bed. You had tucked me in, and I mean, TUCKED ME IN. I was like a taco. There were blankets everywhere.
Ma: My mommy used to give me a hug before I went to bed...
S: YOU RUINED THE SURPRISE!
But then you gave me a REALLY REALLLY long and tight hug and it was just awesome.
Okay, so this was the next day. Again, we were chilling in the tree house. And this was when we were doing pretty good at not being douche bags and cheating on our spouses. But in this moment, the tables started to turn...
S: Alright.
You yawned.
S: Well, I'm tired. I think I'm going to bed now.
Really? You THINK your going to bed? Hm.
You kissed my cheek.
S: Night.
And then you left me, before I could respond.
Mysterious.
Okay. Now Im just gunna say "Ab massage" and call it a night.
We'll talk about some more memories tomorrow. Maybe go futhur into the whole Ab massage bees wax.
I am gunna email you again veery soon.
CAUSE ITS SKYES FREAKING BIRTHDAY!
Remember when you saw Skye ONE YEAR AGO?
Here she is now...
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