I hope (this is a bad dream)

ZACKLOVE,
I dont even care if I dont see you again, I'll keep writing these emails cause this cant be forever. And I dont know why it hit us NOW- but it FINALLY hit us. Your gone. And there isnt anything we can do. Well, maybe there is. But I dont know WHAT that is. And until I figure that out, God, I'll feel so lost. I dont understand this. But I'm scared of being without you for the rest of this life. That thought makes me just want to die, so I can be happy forever.
But there are a few reasons I have to try and be brave. Their names are Cole, Tommy, Zack, Skye, Ivy, and Lily. They need me. And I need them too.
SPEAKING OF, Ivy and Lily are THREE WEEKS OLD NOW. Wow, time flew. So much changed. In the past three weeks (okay, just the past two days, but STILL)
I wish I could go back to three weeks ago. I thought I was kinda happy, but I was REALLY happy. Because I had hope. I need to start hoping again.
wow, i really gotta stop with all the depressing shit. I just gotta pull myself together. And have hope. Because thats all i can do.
Actually, I can do a lot more, and I do do a lot more. LIKE WOW, IS LIFE EVER BUSY. And its gonna be so hard tomorrrow, going to New Zealand. I'll email you while I'm there. I'm going to email you a lot, because thats what gives me hope.
IVY SMILED TODAY :D But Lily is still pretty shy. But she's still beating Zack. Zack didnt smile until he was like, 3 months old.
Tommy is so upset. He unpacked his bags like 3 times, and we keep trying to re pack them but he keeps saying He's not going anywhere without his best friend. He's locked himself in his room, and he says he isnt coming out until Cartman is the one standing outside his door. Im NOT losing hope. Theres no way. We're going to go to New Zealand, we're going to have a good time, and when we come back, we're going to see you. And we're all going to be so happy. I know it. I just know it.
Okay, back on track here. Heres a HAPPY story for you.
Well, okay, its not so much happy, its kinda just random. When I was little, I always used to wear these certain brown, polka dotted knee socks. And they arent UGLY, but they arent very attractive either. Plus they were like as thick as my leg, cause I was so small. I dont know why we never threw them out. But those socks have been through A LOT. And I found them in some old box the other day, and took some pictures of Skye wearing them. Here, observe.