Dude, I'm sorry I havent been emailing you. Its now like I have nothing to say, I do. Its not the fricken change in the email. Its not that I have 4 babies now. Its not that I made a blog so I have other places to write. No. Its just that I know now. Your arent coming back. And it hurts more than its ever hurt before. Im starting to ACCEPT the fact that your gone, and it scares the fuck out of me. I used to think you might see these emails. Now i know you wont. But no. Your gone.
I actually told someone you died. Cause you may as well be dead...
why the fuck do I still believe in miracles? I still have a TINY bit of hope. But I dont know what to do about that hope. I dont even know if that hope is a good thing.
But I dont wanna talk about that. im gunna email you more often, kay?
GOOD EMAILS.
Not these shit depressing ones. Or the short ones. Or the ones where I only send them to you if shit happens. I used to be happy when I emailed you. Lets make that happen again.
Okay, cool. So, have you been wonderin whats going on lately? Lets be orginized. (Thats something I wish I could do in real life)
Cole: has been okay. You know, he's pretty stoned all the time. But he's good. A couple nights ago, I helped him down the stairs. Thats right. HE WALKED. What a good, sexy, husband. But I gotta say, I do feel a pretty deprived of sex and all those good things. That wont be able to happen for a while. But when it does happen, we'll be just like all the other young married, in love couples with 5 kids. .. there arent many of those, are there? Oh well, we'll one of the few. At least he cant shower by himself :) Oh yes, theres a plus side to EVERYTHING. (except maybe losing you.) Anyways, Im lovin Cole. It kind of sucks sitting beside him, watching him sleep, and getting none of my own. But I love him.
Tommy: has been growing up. So much more than you'd imagine. Theres barely a lisp anymore. And he's getting WAY more horny. Its not even normal. Its like, you'll be talking about going back to school for a minute, and the next minute you'll be talking about blow jobs and shit like that. Tommy should just CALM DOWN. But he decided, he needs to do more kissing. So he asked out Sammy today. And now their "dating" and doing some pretty hardcore making out for ten year olds. Well, Tommy called it making out anyway.
Zack: I cant believe he's only 20 months old. He talks way too much to only be 20 months old. He knows when to laugh and when too cry, and he's really.. i dont know.. whats the word? Like me. Welll, I guess I never really know when to laugh or cry. But other than that, he's A LOT like me. He says "I love you" like every twn seconds, and really really likes being held and all that good stuff. I cant argue with that. I like when he says he loves me, and I have no problem holding him. I dont got a Zack Love, but I got a Zack Faith. And in my opinion, both Zacks are pretty freakin amazing.
Skye: still. hasnt.said.her.first. word. Is that even normal? She's ALMOST one year old. And not even one little word. Maybe Zack is just REALLY smart. I dont know. Other than that though, all I have to say is wow. Wow. Shes almost a year old. Wow. Where did the time go? Wow. Its almost been a year sicne i last saw you. Wow. it feels like you were just a dream. Like your not really here. Like you were never REALLY here. OH, yeah. Skye. She loves her tutus, and shes on her feet more and more. And holy crap. Shes so effing cute. I'll post some pictures of her at the bottom.
Ivy: is so easy to take care of. And she's already got some personality going. Must be the cheeze whizz. No Im joking. But SHES ALREADY SLEEPING THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH. I mean, thats pretty impressive. Shes making quite a few sounds already (oh great, shes gunna be as loud as her brother..) but doesnt actually like cuddling that much. I dont know where she got that from. Shes really independant.
Lily: So, dont ever tell people that bushes and flowers are pretty much the same thing. Cause they arent. Wait. What is an Ivy? Is it even a bush? Anyway, no. They arent the same. Completely different. Ivy is independant, and Lily.. oh shes REALLY dependant. And she doesnt cry too often, but she needs A LOT of TLC. Its really exhausing. But now Cole always falls asleep holding Lily. And that keeps both of them occupied for HOURS.
As for me? Well. Im not in the best mood lately. I guess you could say that. Maybe its PMS. Maybe im just missing you. I've been so stressed lately and I need someone to talk to. But you know what, Zack? I believe in miracles.
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