March 30th 2010
ZackLove,
sorry if I dont make it through these next few days. They're extremely fucking hard without you. I've tried hard as hell to try and act happy; or try to act like the new, happy person I am now but I cant. Turns out that that vulnerable, hopeless girl is still inside of me. I fear that girl because all that girl ever does is fear and I'm tired of fearing things. I'm tired of going from hopeful to hopeless. I'm tired of feeling depressed when I thought just a few days ago I would be okay. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of missing you. The day Spring Break started my heart sunk and I havent felt right since then. I feel only half here. All I can think about are the things that happened in the past, or the things I want to happen in the future. I am good at living in the moment when I want too but I want this moment to be over. I want all the moments I'm without you to be over. I want to be able to laugh with you and your whole family. To get drunk and to feel excited. I want to try something new cause I dont like the way we were. And I dont want it to ever go back to the way we were. I just want a part buddy. or a few party buddies. And I wanna name furniture with Kellyanne again. And I want Cartman to be my boyfriend again.
The babies are kicking. They want out.
So do I.
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