Yes, this is the third night in a row I've written you an email, BUT HEY! I FOUND THE TIME! And I really wanna get you all caught up with this affair crap. Where are we now? Oh yes, Claires birthday. The last time we saw her it was the end of February. Now, it was May.
Not much drama happened. Actually, barely any at all. Cole was just a little upset, and I was in a good mood and told him to call her. I also decided that Tommy should be on the end of the other line. Because he loves to spy.. and well.. i love to know these things. So this is how the conversation went down...
Claire: Hello?
Cole: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
He sounded really happy. But in an awkward way.
Claire: Thanks. How are you?
You coould SEE her smile coming out of the holes in the phone.
Cole: Pretty good. How are YOU?
Claire: Old. I'm 23.
Cole: So am I.
Claire: Yupp...
Cole: So, how are you?
Claire: I just told you.
Cole: did you Claire? Did you really?
Claire: Did you get that line from Sonny with a Chance?
Cole: Hell yeah. But common, I'm not stupid. How are you, really?
Claire: We're getting through it one day at a time.
Cole: I never asked about you and Jaxon and Julia. I aksed about YOU. And your a wreck.
Claire: What? Do you stalk me now or something?
Cole: No. But you did say you were in love with me. And I know that feeling doesnt just go away.
Claire: Okay, fine. I'm a wreck. I miss you and love you to death but I cant have you. I know that now. But I'm not planning on moving on.
It was awkward for a minute.
Cole: I should go.
Claire: No! I mean. Please dont. Its easier if i talk to you until I need to. You know? And then when I'm ready I can say goodbye.
Cole: Okay.
Claire: I'm sorry. You can leave if you want...
Cole: *laughs* No, I wont leave.
Claire: Why are you laughing?
Cole: You remind me of Maria. With Zack Love.
Claire: Oh right. That guy. Do you hate that guy?
Cole: No, why should I?
Claire: Because Maria wanted him. And he did shit with her.
Cole: Yeah but he made her happy. And even if it was for the wrong reasons, I cant hate anyone that makes her happy.
Claire: Oh. Good point. Did they have sex?
Cole: No. They werent as stupid as us.
Claire: Good.
So yeah thats basiclly it. But as you can see, that was important. Because of those last lines. "Did they have sex?" "No, they werent as stupid as us."
wait wait wait.
Up to this point, I never knew that they had sex.
I thought they were talking about having sex as teenagers
or ALMOST having sex.
But no.
The doorbell rang. It always starts that way.
Cole answered it.
Claire.
She was crying. A LOT. Like, so much she was gasping for air. Cole hugged her awkwardly. I came into the room.
Maria: Fucking Slut.
Claire looked at me for one second and then just kept crying. This was not for show. Claire was REALLY upset about something. So I let them talk. I went upstairs. About ten minutes later, Cole and Claire are in my doorway.
Claire: Be mad at me, not Cole. You already got mad at Cole. He doesnt want this. its just a consequence he has to pay for.
Maria: Whats going on?
Claire: I'm pregnant. From the one and only time we had sex.
It was silent for a second. I teared up, but kept my school. I wanted to scream "GET THE FUCK OUT. BOTH OF YOU" or something along those lines.
Maria: Leave. Please.
And Claire left. I hugged Cole. I said it was okay. it wasnt.
And that was the end of that time. Things do get a little saucy again, but like I said, the worst was over in January. But since Claire was pregnant, we decided to give her ANOTHER chance. Things went wel for a while She came over every now and then. She was nice. She was kinda fun to hang with actually. One night, things got a little juicy. well. kinda, anyway. Claire was meeting the twins for the first time and she got a little emotional. She went outside, and Cole followed her. I spied.
Cole: Your not okay.
She muttered something.
Cole: what?
She mummbled again.
Cole: Okay, cool.. I'll just sit here and wait for you to tell me whats wrong.
It was silent.
Claire: I'm never okay.
He put his arm around her super awkwardly.
Cole: Its... uh... gunna be okay.
She looked up at him.
Claire: I need you, Cole.
OH HERE WE GO AGAIN.
Cole: I know it feels like that but-
Claire: It doesnt just feel like that, Cole.
Cole: Maybe its time for you to try to open your heart to someone else.
YEAH, LIKE SOMEONE WHO ISNT MARRIED?
Claire: I cant! God, I've tried! I cant!
She started crying A LOT and fell into his arms. He hugged her super tightly.
Cole: I'm sorry.
Claire: Why are you doing this?
She pushed away. Um. well, theres a little twist for you.
Cole: What?
Claire: All of this. Hugging me and saying nice things. You make me feel like you feel the same way and it confuses me and makes things worse, and when you arent close to me I want you to be, but when you are it pissed me off cause your sending me mixed feeelings or something and it really hurts and I dont know what to do anymore.
Yup. She pretty much just summurized the way I feel about Zack. She rocks.
Cole: I know, I'm sorry.
Claire: I just dont understand why I still dont understand. It happened so long ago but I need you and if its lasted this long already, it'll probably last forever. I know you dont love me but it always feels like it does, and I dont get it.
Cole: It only feels like I love you because I do.
She cuddled up to him. He hugged her super tight. I got kinda jealous.
Claire: I love you so much.
Cole: I love you, too.
Claire: Its so hard to see you happy. It hurts. I dont know why. I like seeing you happy.
Cole smiled at her.
Cole: You make me happy.
It was silent for a bit and then she looked up at him and kissed him. Just really quickly. I was kinda pissed, but it was actually just so adorable. He kissed her head and brought her closer to him. And then they just cuddled each other.
well, i gotta go. See you.
Well. thats a lie. I wont see you.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Letter to Vanessa (#6)
I bet your wondering "where does she even get the time to write this much?" Dont worry, I wonder the same thing...
Alright, time to continue. I FEEL A RANT COMIN ON.
So, where were we? Oh yes, she wrapped her legs around him. BUT THEN. She proceeded to make out with him. Tommy says "Coles arms were around her, but they werent on her boobs so I guess he was sort of okay.
Claire: Tell me you want me.
He never said anything. OOH, BITCH GOT OWNED! But he kept making out with her.. so thats 1 Claire/0 Maria.
But Claire wants more points. She let go of him for a second, stripped down till she was wearing NOTHING, and kept making out with him. 2/0.
Kay, lets pause there for a second. Vanessa, IMAGINE. Your husband, and me in a hot tub. Making out. And im trying to have sex with him. and he is SOOO close to falling for it. Think of how heart breaking it would be to even think of your husband loving someone else like that. Now think of Me. Think of me not giving a shit about your feelings, and getting COMPLETELY naked, and trying to take his clothes off. What would you think of me in that situation? .. Yeah, thats what I thought about Claire.
Then, ALL OF A SUDDEN, as Claire was trying to take Cole's bottoms off, he opened his eyes. And he got up and threw Claires clothes at her. And then his rant started.
Cole: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
1 point for me.
Cole: GET YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON AND LEAVE AND NEVER EVER COME BACK AND IF YOU DO I'LL GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!
Another point for me. we're tied, 2/2.
Cole: I CANT BELIEVE YOUD EVEN THINK OF DOING THIS!! DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY WOULD? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A LOVE MARIA? GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD YOU FUCKING SLUT!
I couldnt agree more. 3 maria, 2 claire.
Cole: AND DONT START CRYING AND GIVING EXCUSES CAUSE THESE ARE THE LAST WORDS I'LL EVER SAY TO YOU, CLAIRE! I AM NOT AT ALL ATTRACTED TO YOU.
heeellll yeah. one more point for me. but it wasnt done.
Cole: RIGHT NOW I WISH YOU'D DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY AND I KIND OF WANT TO KILL YOU MYSELF!
he started going a little too far there. He regrets that line.
Cole: I GAVE YOU SO MANY CHANCES AND YOU BLEW THEM ALL! YOU MADE PROMISES TO ME THAT YOU NEVER KEPT! WELL, BITCH, I KEEP MY PROMISES SO HERES A PROMISE FROM ME TO YOU. I PROMISE YOU THAT NO MATTER HOW FUCKING HARD YOU TRY, YOU WILL NEVER GET IN BETWEEN ME AND MARIA!
I think I'm gunna win this battle. 5 for Me, 2 for Claire.
Cole: OH, AND FOR THE RECORD, YOU HAVE NO BOOBS WHAT SO EVER.
DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER.
But Claire wasnt done fighting. Her clothes were on now, and she was crying. lots.
Claire: IF YOUR LEAVING ME THEN YOUR NEVER GOING TO SEE JAXON AND JULIA AGAIN!
Cole: IF YOU REALLY LOVE THEM YOULL LET ME SEE THEM BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME! OH, HERE! BEST FRIENDS BRACELET? IN CASE YOU DOING KNOW, CLAIRE, BEST FRIENDS DONT HAVE SEX!
That whole bracelet thing was pretty cliche. Anyway, he ripped it off and threw it into the field.
Cole: NOW LISTEN, BITCH! THESE ARE THE LAST WORDS I'M EVER GOING TO SAY TO YOU, AND ONCE I SAY THEM, YOU LEAVE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE YOU WHORE AND NEVER EVER COME BACK! BECAUSE, CLAIRE FORGENSON, I HATE YOU.
And then she left.
WELL, THATS THE END OF THAT STORY. But, hey, I got time. Wanna hear what happens NEXT, in the frustrating life of Maria? Sure you do. I guess Cole's whole "Never come back" and I "I hate you" didnt really last.
Oh by the way, if your wondering how I know exactly what they say- its cause Tommy writes them down. ALRIGHT. So, it was about a month later.
So remember how last time, I wasnt there because I took all the kids out? Well, this time, Cole was out with all the kids. So when the doorbell rang, it was a little different.
I answered the door. There she was. Fucking Claire. She gave me the meanest glare and got right to the point.
Claire: Where is he?
Maria: Who?
Claire: Cole.
Maria: Get out.
I tried to close the door, but she pushed it open again. thats point 1 for her.
Claire: I need to talk to him.
She let herself inside and started looking for him. She walked to the kitchen. I followed.
Maria: He's not here. Leave. he doesnt want to see you. Ever.
Claire: For all you know.
2 Claire/0 Maria.
Maria: What are you talking about?
Claire: nothing.
Maria: No, What are you talking about? He doesnt want to see you. You almost had sex with him and he got pissed and made you leave.
Claire: Yeah, that happened. But who says we havent seen each other since then?
Maria: YOU HAVENT!
Claire: Oh, really? And where was Cole Friday night, one week ago?
Maria: He stayed at the hospital over night because...
he avoided telling me why. I then realized.. that Claire got another point. 3/0
Maria: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?!
Claire: I did nothing, Maria. It what he did to me.
Maria: he wouldnt.
Claire: He would.
maria: HE DIDNT!
Claire: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!?! YOU DONT KNOW HIM ANY BETTER THAN I DO!
Maria: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?! I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR TWENTY YEARS! OF COURSE I KNOW HIM BETTER THAN YOU!
Claire: WELL I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT HIM YOU DONT!
Maria: I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM! HE WOULDNT DO THAT TO ME! HE WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX WITH YOU!
Claire: REALLY MARIA? THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW HIM AT ALL! HE HASNT TOLD YOU ANYTHING? WOW, HE MUST HAVE BEEN HONEST WHEN HE TOLD ME HE DIDNT WANT YOU!
I knew she was lying here. 4 Claire/ 0 Maria. but then i got P I S S E D.
I pushed Claire into a counter, and she hit her head and started to bleed.
4/1
Claire threw a pot at my stomach. When I was pregnant with the twins.
5/1
Claire: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!
Maria: HE'S MY HUSBAND!
I took a plate and threw it at Claire, and it hit her arm. The plate broke.
5/2
Claire: HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!
Maria: NO HE'S NOT! GET THE FUCK OUT!
Claire pushed me into my moms old piano. My head started to bleed. She started throwing the broken pieces of glass at me.
Claire: I'M NOT GIVING UP ON HIM!
Maria: HE DOESNT WANT YOU!!
I got up and bitch slapped her.
5/3
Maria: GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!
Claire: MARIA, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD THAT YOU CANT HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT!
She pushed me into a glass table. It hurt SO MUCH. I touched my hand to my head. It was covered in blood.
6/3
But then I pushed her into a counter. and broke down.
Maria: I KNOW I CANT HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT!I WANTED A DAD WHO LOVED ME, AND THAT NEVER HAPPENED! I WANTED A MOM TO RAISE ME BUT SHE DIED! I WANTED A SECOND CHANCE, BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED! I WANT ZACK, AND HE'S GONE! COLE IS THE ONLY THING I HAVE! DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!?! I DONT BELONG HERE!
I fell to my knees. I was so weak. I just cried. She didnt feel any sympathy what so ever. She found a knife, and threw it at me.
Claire: YOU SELFISH BITCH!
The knife cut my hand.
7/3
Maria: I'M NOT SELFISH! BUT, GOD, YOU ARE! YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE!
I took the knife and threw it at Claire. it scratched her face.
7/4
She pinned me against the wall.
8/4
Claire: STOP SAYING THOSE THINGS! I HAVE A HEART, YOU KNOW! I HAVE FEELINGS! GOD, I DONT KNOW WHY EVERYONE ELSE LOVES YOU! ITS NOT LIKE YOU DESERVE IT!
And then, she found a rope. Fuck, i hate rope. Do you know why? I'm sure Zack has told you. She wrapped it around my neck. I was crying SO hard.
Claire: SO ITS THIS HOW YOU WATCHED YOUR DAD KILL YOUR MOM!?!?
I cried and just said "Please stop." But she started to choke me. And she didnt stop.
1013294820194838 for Claire/ 4 for me.
Thank the Lord my brother spies. He called the police. But before the police came, Cole came in the door. He put the babies down and ran into the kitchen. He got in between us and pushed Claire away and took the rope off my neck. but I was PISSED.
Cole: Are you okay?
Maria: YOU HAD SEX WITH HER, DIDNT YOU!?!?
I'll admit that I went a little overboard. I threw the knife at Cole. His face started to bleed. But Cole ignored it, and turned around to Claire.
Cole: WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU THINKING!?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!?
He punched her.
Claire: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAD AT ME!?! I WASNT THE ONE WHO WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! YOU HAD SEX WITH ME!
Cole pushed her into the glass table and got on the ground and punched her over and over and over. I went to go distract the kids.
Cole: YOU *punch* WHORE! *punch* WHY THE HELL *punch* DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME WANT YOU!? *punch* WHY DO YOU MAKE ME *punch* FEEL LIKE I NEED YOU!?! *punch* WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS *punch* TO ME!?!? *punch* I'M SUPPOSED TO BE OVER YOU! *punch* STOP *punch* DOING *punch* THIS! *punch*
Claire: STOP! I'M SORRY! COLE, I LOVE YOU. I DONT WANT TO BE BUT I AM!
She started making out with him. But he pushed her away. RIGHT away.
Cole: I'M MARRIED! I'M IN LOVE! LEAVE US ALONE!
He punched her until he knocked her out. it was so fucking scary to see and hear. The police came through the door. Cole got up.
Cole: She needs to go to the hospital. Now.
Police: Are you okay?
Cole: Yeah.
he was still bleeding from when I cut him.
Police: Is she?
He directed it at me.
Maria: I've been worse.
Unfortunately.
Police: We'll check you out.
He took a good look at me and saw i was pregnant and everything.
Police: Are the babies okay?
Maria: yeah.
Police: Can you explain whats going on?
Maria: No.
Police: You'll have to tell us at some-
Maria: Ow.
I put my hand on my head. It hurt. so bad.
Police: You have a few pretty deep cuts. Theres two ambulances here so we can stitch you up in one of them while we take away the other.
"The other" was already gone. Another police took her away. Cole hurt her really badly. I did too.
Maria: Kay.
Police: Are you the mother of these kids?
Police: Is that their father?
he nodded towards Cole.
Maria: Yeah.
Cole: I`ll take care of them.
The police whispered to me.
Police: Is he going to hurt them?
Maria: no.
I was so dizzy. They helped me out. I didnt look at Cole.
Later on that night, it was really quiet. I came back inside after talking to the police and getting a couple stitches. The police helped me in. I was in a lot of pain so they gave me a couple drugs. Cole covered me up. I woke up.
Maria: Go away.
Cole: I know we have to talk about it, but right now your hurt.
Maria: Because of you. Leave. Do me a favor and dont come back.
He had tears in his eyes. It killed me.
Cole: Dont do this to me.
Maria: Get out! get off of me!
I pushed his hands away.
Maria: Leave.
Cole: I'm not leaving.
Maria: GET OUT!
Cole: Dont leave me.
He sounded so helpless.
Maria: I'm not leaving you. Just, please, leave. For now.
Cole: Are you sure? Where should i go?
Maria: Maybe you should go to Claires. Just LEAVE.
Cole: Can I come back tomorrow?
Maria: I'll call you.
He put his hands on my face. I didnt take them off this time.
Cole: I love you.
Maria: I love you, too. Just go.
Cole: Can I stay just until you fall asleep? I dont want you to be in pain.
Maria: Fine. Then promise you'll leave.
Cole: I promise.
Maria: Dont even try to explain shit. Dont even talk.
I closed my eyes. He kissed me. I took his hand. I kissed his hand. And when I woke up, he was gone.
Damn. pretty intense shit, hey? AND THATS NOT EVEN THE END! But thats definitely the worst of it.
Alright, time to continue. I FEEL A RANT COMIN ON.
So, where were we? Oh yes, she wrapped her legs around him. BUT THEN. She proceeded to make out with him. Tommy says "Coles arms were around her, but they werent on her boobs so I guess he was sort of okay.
Claire: Tell me you want me.
He never said anything. OOH, BITCH GOT OWNED! But he kept making out with her.. so thats 1 Claire/0 Maria.
But Claire wants more points. She let go of him for a second, stripped down till she was wearing NOTHING, and kept making out with him. 2/0.
Kay, lets pause there for a second. Vanessa, IMAGINE. Your husband, and me in a hot tub. Making out. And im trying to have sex with him. and he is SOOO close to falling for it. Think of how heart breaking it would be to even think of your husband loving someone else like that. Now think of Me. Think of me not giving a shit about your feelings, and getting COMPLETELY naked, and trying to take his clothes off. What would you think of me in that situation? .. Yeah, thats what I thought about Claire.
Then, ALL OF A SUDDEN, as Claire was trying to take Cole's bottoms off, he opened his eyes. And he got up and threw Claires clothes at her. And then his rant started.
Cole: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
1 point for me.
Cole: GET YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES ON AND LEAVE AND NEVER EVER COME BACK AND IF YOU DO I'LL GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!
Another point for me. we're tied, 2/2.
Cole: I CANT BELIEVE YOUD EVEN THINK OF DOING THIS!! DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY WOULD? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A LOVE MARIA? GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD YOU FUCKING SLUT!
I couldnt agree more. 3 maria, 2 claire.
Cole: AND DONT START CRYING AND GIVING EXCUSES CAUSE THESE ARE THE LAST WORDS I'LL EVER SAY TO YOU, CLAIRE! I AM NOT AT ALL ATTRACTED TO YOU.
heeellll yeah. one more point for me. but it wasnt done.
Cole: RIGHT NOW I WISH YOU'D DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY AND I KIND OF WANT TO KILL YOU MYSELF!
he started going a little too far there. He regrets that line.
Cole: I GAVE YOU SO MANY CHANCES AND YOU BLEW THEM ALL! YOU MADE PROMISES TO ME THAT YOU NEVER KEPT! WELL, BITCH, I KEEP MY PROMISES SO HERES A PROMISE FROM ME TO YOU. I PROMISE YOU THAT NO MATTER HOW FUCKING HARD YOU TRY, YOU WILL NEVER GET IN BETWEEN ME AND MARIA!
I think I'm gunna win this battle. 5 for Me, 2 for Claire.
Cole: OH, AND FOR THE RECORD, YOU HAVE NO BOOBS WHAT SO EVER.
DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER.
But Claire wasnt done fighting. Her clothes were on now, and she was crying. lots.
Claire: IF YOUR LEAVING ME THEN YOUR NEVER GOING TO SEE JAXON AND JULIA AGAIN!
Cole: IF YOU REALLY LOVE THEM YOULL LET ME SEE THEM BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME! OH, HERE! BEST FRIENDS BRACELET? IN CASE YOU DOING KNOW, CLAIRE, BEST FRIENDS DONT HAVE SEX!
That whole bracelet thing was pretty cliche. Anyway, he ripped it off and threw it into the field.
Cole: NOW LISTEN, BITCH! THESE ARE THE LAST WORDS I'M EVER GOING TO SAY TO YOU, AND ONCE I SAY THEM, YOU LEAVE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE YOU WHORE AND NEVER EVER COME BACK! BECAUSE, CLAIRE FORGENSON, I HATE YOU.
And then she left.
WELL, THATS THE END OF THAT STORY. But, hey, I got time. Wanna hear what happens NEXT, in the frustrating life of Maria? Sure you do. I guess Cole's whole "Never come back" and I "I hate you" didnt really last.
Oh by the way, if your wondering how I know exactly what they say- its cause Tommy writes them down. ALRIGHT. So, it was about a month later.
So remember how last time, I wasnt there because I took all the kids out? Well, this time, Cole was out with all the kids. So when the doorbell rang, it was a little different.
I answered the door. There she was. Fucking Claire. She gave me the meanest glare and got right to the point.
Claire: Where is he?
Maria: Who?
Claire: Cole.
Maria: Get out.
I tried to close the door, but she pushed it open again. thats point 1 for her.
Claire: I need to talk to him.
She let herself inside and started looking for him. She walked to the kitchen. I followed.
Maria: He's not here. Leave. he doesnt want to see you. Ever.
Claire: For all you know.
2 Claire/0 Maria.
Maria: What are you talking about?
Claire: nothing.
Maria: No, What are you talking about? He doesnt want to see you. You almost had sex with him and he got pissed and made you leave.
Claire: Yeah, that happened. But who says we havent seen each other since then?
Maria: YOU HAVENT!
Claire: Oh, really? And where was Cole Friday night, one week ago?
Maria: He stayed at the hospital over night because...
he avoided telling me why. I then realized.. that Claire got another point. 3/0
Maria: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM!?!
Claire: I did nothing, Maria. It what he did to me.
Maria: he wouldnt.
Claire: He would.
maria: HE DIDNT!
Claire: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW!?! YOU DONT KNOW HIM ANY BETTER THAN I DO!
Maria: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?! I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR TWENTY YEARS! OF COURSE I KNOW HIM BETTER THAN YOU!
Claire: WELL I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT HIM YOU DONT!
Maria: I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM! HE WOULDNT DO THAT TO ME! HE WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX WITH YOU!
Claire: REALLY MARIA? THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW HIM AT ALL! HE HASNT TOLD YOU ANYTHING? WOW, HE MUST HAVE BEEN HONEST WHEN HE TOLD ME HE DIDNT WANT YOU!
I knew she was lying here. 4 Claire/ 0 Maria. but then i got P I S S E D.
I pushed Claire into a counter, and she hit her head and started to bleed.
4/1
Claire threw a pot at my stomach. When I was pregnant with the twins.
5/1
Claire: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?!
Maria: HE'S MY HUSBAND!
I took a plate and threw it at Claire, and it hit her arm. The plate broke.
5/2
Claire: HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!
Maria: NO HE'S NOT! GET THE FUCK OUT!
Claire pushed me into my moms old piano. My head started to bleed. She started throwing the broken pieces of glass at me.
Claire: I'M NOT GIVING UP ON HIM!
Maria: HE DOESNT WANT YOU!!
I got up and bitch slapped her.
5/3
Maria: GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!
Claire: MARIA, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD THAT YOU CANT HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT!
She pushed me into a glass table. It hurt SO MUCH. I touched my hand to my head. It was covered in blood.
6/3
But then I pushed her into a counter. and broke down.
Maria: I KNOW I CANT HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT!I WANTED A DAD WHO LOVED ME, AND THAT NEVER HAPPENED! I WANTED A MOM TO RAISE ME BUT SHE DIED! I WANTED A SECOND CHANCE, BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENED! I WANT ZACK, AND HE'S GONE! COLE IS THE ONLY THING I HAVE! DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!?! I DONT BELONG HERE!
I fell to my knees. I was so weak. I just cried. She didnt feel any sympathy what so ever. She found a knife, and threw it at me.
Claire: YOU SELFISH BITCH!
The knife cut my hand.
7/3
Maria: I'M NOT SELFISH! BUT, GOD, YOU ARE! YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE!
I took the knife and threw it at Claire. it scratched her face.
7/4
She pinned me against the wall.
8/4
Claire: STOP SAYING THOSE THINGS! I HAVE A HEART, YOU KNOW! I HAVE FEELINGS! GOD, I DONT KNOW WHY EVERYONE ELSE LOVES YOU! ITS NOT LIKE YOU DESERVE IT!
And then, she found a rope. Fuck, i hate rope. Do you know why? I'm sure Zack has told you. She wrapped it around my neck. I was crying SO hard.
Claire: SO ITS THIS HOW YOU WATCHED YOUR DAD KILL YOUR MOM!?!?
I cried and just said "Please stop." But she started to choke me. And she didnt stop.
1013294820194838 for Claire/ 4 for me.
Thank the Lord my brother spies. He called the police. But before the police came, Cole came in the door. He put the babies down and ran into the kitchen. He got in between us and pushed Claire away and took the rope off my neck. but I was PISSED.
Cole: Are you okay?
Maria: YOU HAD SEX WITH HER, DIDNT YOU!?!?
I'll admit that I went a little overboard. I threw the knife at Cole. His face started to bleed. But Cole ignored it, and turned around to Claire.
Cole: WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU THINKING!?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!?
He punched her.
Claire: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAD AT ME!?! I WASNT THE ONE WHO WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! YOU HAD SEX WITH ME!
Cole pushed her into the glass table and got on the ground and punched her over and over and over. I went to go distract the kids.
Cole: YOU *punch* WHORE! *punch* WHY THE HELL *punch* DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME WANT YOU!? *punch* WHY DO YOU MAKE ME *punch* FEEL LIKE I NEED YOU!?! *punch* WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS *punch* TO ME!?!? *punch* I'M SUPPOSED TO BE OVER YOU! *punch* STOP *punch* DOING *punch* THIS! *punch*
Claire: STOP! I'M SORRY! COLE, I LOVE YOU. I DONT WANT TO BE BUT I AM!
She started making out with him. But he pushed her away. RIGHT away.
Cole: I'M MARRIED! I'M IN LOVE! LEAVE US ALONE!
He punched her until he knocked her out. it was so fucking scary to see and hear. The police came through the door. Cole got up.
Cole: She needs to go to the hospital. Now.
Police: Are you okay?
Cole: Yeah.
he was still bleeding from when I cut him.
Police: Is she?
He directed it at me.
Maria: I've been worse.
Unfortunately.
Police: We'll check you out.
He took a good look at me and saw i was pregnant and everything.
Police: Are the babies okay?
Maria: yeah.
Police: Can you explain whats going on?
Maria: No.
Police: You'll have to tell us at some-
Maria: Ow.
I put my hand on my head. It hurt. so bad.
Police: You have a few pretty deep cuts. Theres two ambulances here so we can stitch you up in one of them while we take away the other.
"The other" was already gone. Another police took her away. Cole hurt her really badly. I did too.
Maria: Kay.
Police: Are you the mother of these kids?
Police: Is that their father?
he nodded towards Cole.
Maria: Yeah.
Cole: I`ll take care of them.
The police whispered to me.
Police: Is he going to hurt them?
Maria: no.
I was so dizzy. They helped me out. I didnt look at Cole.
Later on that night, it was really quiet. I came back inside after talking to the police and getting a couple stitches. The police helped me in. I was in a lot of pain so they gave me a couple drugs. Cole covered me up. I woke up.
Maria: Go away.
Cole: I know we have to talk about it, but right now your hurt.
Maria: Because of you. Leave. Do me a favor and dont come back.
He had tears in his eyes. It killed me.
Cole: Dont do this to me.
Maria: Get out! get off of me!
I pushed his hands away.
Maria: Leave.
Cole: I'm not leaving.
Maria: GET OUT!
Cole: Dont leave me.
He sounded so helpless.
Maria: I'm not leaving you. Just, please, leave. For now.
Cole: Are you sure? Where should i go?
Maria: Maybe you should go to Claires. Just LEAVE.
Cole: Can I come back tomorrow?
Maria: I'll call you.
He put his hands on my face. I didnt take them off this time.
Cole: I love you.
Maria: I love you, too. Just go.
Cole: Can I stay just until you fall asleep? I dont want you to be in pain.
Maria: Fine. Then promise you'll leave.
Cole: I promise.
Maria: Dont even try to explain shit. Dont even talk.
I closed my eyes. He kissed me. I took his hand. I kissed his hand. And when I woke up, he was gone.
Damn. pretty intense shit, hey? AND THATS NOT EVEN THE END! But thats definitely the worst of it.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Letter to Vanessa (#5)
COLE AND CLAIRE- THE MOFOS.
Ready for this, Vanessa? This is where it gets REALL bad.
So I, and all the babies, decided to go out together so Tommy and Cole could chill. So I dont know exactly what went on, but Tommy is a great spier So, IN HIS WORDS..
Tommy and Cole were in the hot tub when the doorbell rang. Cole answered it, and you know, he was shirtless so Claire was like DAAYYUMM. (Not that I blame her for that) And I mean, Claire KNEW that I wasnt going to be home. So thats obviously why she came. Then Cole pulled a douche move when he was like "oh me and Tommy were just in the hot tub, YOU WANNA COME IN TOO?" uggh. what a dick move. Tommy kinda clued in to the dick move and glared at him. But then Cole says, "Nothings gunna happen as long as your around." Then TOMMY pulls a dick move and says "I'm not staying! You got yourself into this mess, I aint gunna help you. If you really love my sister, your not gunna touch her." TOMMY, THAT WAS THE WRONG TIME TO BE RESPONSIBLE!!! Oh, so Claire got to wear one of MY bikinis. And I dont know. Is it a coincidence that she wore the one that I wore during the whole... uh, Aitutaki massage thing? (Sorry for bringing that up, its awkward for me too) So at first, they were chillin the the hot tub like good ole citizens. It was right after Coles birthday. She got him this bracelet from Claire apparently. It was a best friends thing so that was pretty nice. OH, and so Cole like "Oh hey. thanks. now i can show my feminine side." and shes all like..
Claire: Oh yeah? And whats this feminine side of yours?
Cole: You know, all the mushy crap about how much you love someone and tells you how you feel about people and shit like that.
Claire: Ah, and what does your feminine side say about me?
(i hate claire)
Cole: You know, all the mushy crap about how much I love you.
So, she moves closer to him.
Claire: like what?
then cole basically says,
Cole: fuck off i love my wifee wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more.
well you know, he said something like that anyway. But you know, she convinced him to explain to her how he feels about her. FML.
In Tommys words, "Cole took her hand and stared into her eyes like a mofo."
wtf Tommy. Am I old, or what? Because I dont know what a mofo is.
Cole: When we were teenagers I loved you and that never changed. But I started falling in love with you. And I was falling in love with Maria even harder. And I had to choose one of you. So I left. And it hurt me, but I dont regret it because I was, and still am, so in love with Maria. But the love I had for you when we were teenagers still hasnt gone away. I'm not falling in love with you anymore but I still love you. yeah, as a friend. But also as the person I lost my virginity too, and someone I had kids with. You know, I dont know exactly how I love you, or how this is ever going to work, but I do love you. And I'm pretty sure I always will.
Those words killed me. She put her hand on his chest.
Claire: I really wanna kiss you right now.
But she didnt, so, props to Claire. Cole kissed her forehead. Fucking Cole and his fucking forehead kissing. UGH.
Cole: Better?
Claire: Not really.
Cole: Should I.. uh.. put a shirt on?
Claire: NO.
They started talking, fairly casually. Something about being horny. Without him noticing, she lowered her hands. That fucking whore.
Cole: Hey.
Claire: What?
Cole: Care to take your hands away?
Cue miss.psycho
Claire: Marias out. The kids are all gone. We're alone, in a hot tub, half naked. Can you honestly tell me your not the least bit attracted to me right now?
Cole: Yes, Claire, I can.
:) Cole rocks. Well, if it had ended there, he would have rocked. Thats right Claire, he only sees ME!
Claire: Really, Cole?
Tommy says at this point they were way to close for comfort.
Cole: Really Claire. If your just gunna lead me on you have to leave.
Claire: Say it out loud.
Wait. Claire, bitch. Isnt that a line from Twilight?
Cole: I'm not the least bit attracted to-
and then. she really did go psycho In Tommys words. "and then.. BAM!! She RIPPED THAT SHIRT OFF!"
Claire: Really, Cole?
He closed his eyes. She was feeling him up.
Cole: That isnt fair.
Claire: Life isnt fair.
BITCH, YOU AINT FAIR. THATS MY MAN! MINE. ALL MINE. So you know. She proceeded to do some. uh. really fucking slutty things to him. she was talking all sexy like and home wrecker like.
Claire: Common Cole... its just one night...
Cole: Common... give it up...
Claire: Your attracted to me now arent you?
Cole: Stop.
She made him feel her up. He dropped his hands. GOOD BOY. See that? That was a dog move. Maybe THATS why he cheated on me. Its because he thinks I treat him like a dog. Anyway, these next words hurt.
Claire: You dont need to be so uptight. Let loose for once. Your life has always revolved around Maria, you know that? You always have to take care of her, and put her first. Just have some fun for once.
I was hoping he'd back me up.
Cole: Whenever I try to have fun Maria gets mad.
Oh... thanks... :(
Claire: Maria, maria, maria. Its always about Maria, isnt it? About what she feels. Sure, she gets mad. But do you regret it?
Cole: Some of it.
Claire: What about the other parts that you dont regret? Whats keeping you from doing them again?
Cole: Her.
:( Heart breaking, that is.
Claire: So screw her. Just have fun.
Cole: No. Not like this.
His eyes were still closed. Claire wrapped her legs around him. Fucking bitch.
OKAY, TIME TO GO TO BED. You'll get part two... tomorrow? Maybe. Or Saturday. Or something. Yeah, I KNOW Y0UR EXCITED.
Thanks for listening :)
Ready for this, Vanessa? This is where it gets REALL bad.
So I, and all the babies, decided to go out together so Tommy and Cole could chill. So I dont know exactly what went on, but Tommy is a great spier So, IN HIS WORDS..
Tommy and Cole were in the hot tub when the doorbell rang. Cole answered it, and you know, he was shirtless so Claire was like DAAYYUMM. (Not that I blame her for that) And I mean, Claire KNEW that I wasnt going to be home. So thats obviously why she came. Then Cole pulled a douche move when he was like "oh me and Tommy were just in the hot tub, YOU WANNA COME IN TOO?" uggh. what a dick move. Tommy kinda clued in to the dick move and glared at him. But then Cole says, "Nothings gunna happen as long as your around." Then TOMMY pulls a dick move and says "I'm not staying! You got yourself into this mess, I aint gunna help you. If you really love my sister, your not gunna touch her." TOMMY, THAT WAS THE WRONG TIME TO BE RESPONSIBLE!!! Oh, so Claire got to wear one of MY bikinis. And I dont know. Is it a coincidence that she wore the one that I wore during the whole... uh, Aitutaki massage thing? (Sorry for bringing that up, its awkward for me too) So at first, they were chillin the the hot tub like good ole citizens. It was right after Coles birthday. She got him this bracelet from Claire apparently. It was a best friends thing so that was pretty nice. OH, and so Cole like "Oh hey. thanks. now i can show my feminine side." and shes all like..
Claire: Oh yeah? And whats this feminine side of yours?
Cole: You know, all the mushy crap about how much you love someone and tells you how you feel about people and shit like that.
Claire: Ah, and what does your feminine side say about me?
(i hate claire)
Cole: You know, all the mushy crap about how much I love you.
So, she moves closer to him.
Claire: like what?
then cole basically says,
Cole: fuck off i love my wifee wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more.
well you know, he said something like that anyway. But you know, she convinced him to explain to her how he feels about her. FML.
In Tommys words, "Cole took her hand and stared into her eyes like a mofo."
wtf Tommy. Am I old, or what? Because I dont know what a mofo is.
Cole: When we were teenagers I loved you and that never changed. But I started falling in love with you. And I was falling in love with Maria even harder. And I had to choose one of you. So I left. And it hurt me, but I dont regret it because I was, and still am, so in love with Maria. But the love I had for you when we were teenagers still hasnt gone away. I'm not falling in love with you anymore but I still love you. yeah, as a friend. But also as the person I lost my virginity too, and someone I had kids with. You know, I dont know exactly how I love you, or how this is ever going to work, but I do love you. And I'm pretty sure I always will.
Those words killed me. She put her hand on his chest.
Claire: I really wanna kiss you right now.
But she didnt, so, props to Claire. Cole kissed her forehead. Fucking Cole and his fucking forehead kissing. UGH.
Cole: Better?
Claire: Not really.
Cole: Should I.. uh.. put a shirt on?
Claire: NO.
They started talking, fairly casually. Something about being horny. Without him noticing, she lowered her hands. That fucking whore.
Cole: Hey.
Claire: What?
Cole: Care to take your hands away?
Cue miss.psycho
Claire: Marias out. The kids are all gone. We're alone, in a hot tub, half naked. Can you honestly tell me your not the least bit attracted to me right now?
Cole: Yes, Claire, I can.
:) Cole rocks. Well, if it had ended there, he would have rocked. Thats right Claire, he only sees ME!
Claire: Really, Cole?
Tommy says at this point they were way to close for comfort.
Cole: Really Claire. If your just gunna lead me on you have to leave.
Claire: Say it out loud.
Wait. Claire, bitch. Isnt that a line from Twilight?
Cole: I'm not the least bit attracted to-
and then. she really did go psycho In Tommys words. "and then.. BAM!! She RIPPED THAT SHIRT OFF!"
Claire: Really, Cole?
He closed his eyes. She was feeling him up.
Cole: That isnt fair.
Claire: Life isnt fair.
BITCH, YOU AINT FAIR. THATS MY MAN! MINE. ALL MINE. So you know. She proceeded to do some. uh. really fucking slutty things to him. she was talking all sexy like and home wrecker like.
Claire: Common Cole... its just one night...
Cole: Common... give it up...
Claire: Your attracted to me now arent you?
Cole: Stop.
She made him feel her up. He dropped his hands. GOOD BOY. See that? That was a dog move. Maybe THATS why he cheated on me. Its because he thinks I treat him like a dog. Anyway, these next words hurt.
Claire: You dont need to be so uptight. Let loose for once. Your life has always revolved around Maria, you know that? You always have to take care of her, and put her first. Just have some fun for once.
I was hoping he'd back me up.
Cole: Whenever I try to have fun Maria gets mad.
Oh... thanks... :(
Claire: Maria, maria, maria. Its always about Maria, isnt it? About what she feels. Sure, she gets mad. But do you regret it?
Cole: Some of it.
Claire: What about the other parts that you dont regret? Whats keeping you from doing them again?
Cole: Her.
:( Heart breaking, that is.
Claire: So screw her. Just have fun.
Cole: No. Not like this.
His eyes were still closed. Claire wrapped her legs around him. Fucking bitch.
OKAY, TIME TO GO TO BED. You'll get part two... tomorrow? Maybe. Or Saturday. Or something. Yeah, I KNOW Y0UR EXCITED.
Thanks for listening :)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Charlie Browns Boner.
ZACK! Dude, you have no idea how long it took me to copy and paste ALL those old emails to here. It took like A MILLION YEARS. But we're all caught up. AND NOW, I can do cool things like italics and bolds, and
So, I'm not sure what day of the week you should have your weekly subscription letters. But I'm SUPER tired, so I think it'll have to be tomorrow. Every Thursday? I think that sounds good. And then I should email your wifee on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. And then write in my journal on Mondays or something, and in my other blog on Sundays. Or.. something.
I did tell about about this "new Zach", havent I? He's pretty cool, he took me out to Starbucks.. er... yesterday? I think. maybe it was the day before that. I dont know. I'm too tired for my own good. But hey. It aint nothin but a thang. Or a chicken wang. Which do you prefer? I'm asking too many questions. Wait, I've only asked like four... havent I? Eh. I dont know. I guess sometimes I'm a little too inquisitive. Or is it clueless? okay, now I'm just doing it on purpose.
Oh, but your really wondering about what the hell inquisitive means? LOOK IT UP DUDE.
Nah, I'm not mean. I'll just tell yah. It means you ask lots of questions.
My plan is to go to bed after survivor, and their reading their votes, SO I GOTTA HURRY! Um. You know how when you walk into stores, and theres that little TV thing? And you can see yourself in them when you walk in? You know how little kids ALWAYS look up and think its only THE most fascinating thing EVER! and then they make funny faces at it and stuff? Yeah, I still do that...
HOLY CRAP! IT SNOWED, AND NOW I WANT CHRISTMAS! But everyone wants Halloween, but JEEEZZ, WHY CANT WE JUST ALL EAT HEALTHY? I think I should give out apples or something. ... Zack. I have a confession to make. And it might sound kinda funny, but I'm being totally and completely serious about it. In fact, it kinda breaks my heart.
This year, Tommy is going trick or treating with his buddies, Travis and Jake in the city, near Travis' house. Its just the three of them that are going. God, I never thought it would be such a big deal to me. I'm terrified that something bad will happen to him. What if he gets kidnapped? What if he goes up to a house, and a creepy old man pulls him inside and kills him? What is he forgets to say 'yes please' and THANK YOU!? I'm scared for him. But thats not even the point. He's just so grown up. Honestly. He's TEN. And I know he's just my little brother, but it was me and Cole that raised him. He acts the way he does partially because of me and Cole. I know I'm not his mom; but I am his big sister, and his legal guardian and I'm worried, and I'm sad. And I wish he could just stop growing older. I'll always love him, but I just want my little Tommy with me a little longer. I'm not ready for the day he decides he doesnt want to be Tommy anymore. What if he wants to be Tom, or Thomas? I dont want that. He isnt a Tom or a Thomas. Hes a TOMMY. Hes MY Tommy. I know he's not my child, but I love him just as much as I love Zack and Skye and Ivy and Lily. He`s one of them. And I love him in a different way than I love my babies, but sometimes, the differences just dont matter. Tommy is my baby, too. And on Sunday he`ll be in charge of himself. He`ll have to be responsible and respectful. He`ll have to be a little man and I`m not ready for that.
Ha. I guess that did sound a little crazy. But I feel better now that I let that out. Thanks Zack, you rock. Well, Survivor is long over. I`m headed off to bed.
G night. Hugs, and more hugs.
-Mariaa
(see? No spelling errors. Except for the intentional ones ;)
quotesand links. <--- click that. Okay, so I could do that with the emails too, but IM PRETTY PUMPED ABOUT THIS WHOLE BLOGGING THING! I mean, theres more of a chance that you'll find this blog than opening your old email account. Besides, it got deleted like 40 emails ago. I think I email you too much for my own good. OH, AND ANOTHER GOOD THING ABOUT BLOGGING, IS THAT I CAN FIX MY SPELLING ERRORS! I wrote some effed up errors in the past. NOT ANYMORE, MY FRIEND.
So, I'm not sure what day of the week you should have your weekly subscription letters. But I'm SUPER tired, so I think it'll have to be tomorrow. Every Thursday? I think that sounds good. And then I should email your wifee on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. And then write in my journal on Mondays or something, and in my other blog on Sundays. Or.. something.
I did tell about about this "new Zach", havent I? He's pretty cool, he took me out to Starbucks.. er... yesterday? I think. maybe it was the day before that. I dont know. I'm too tired for my own good. But hey. It aint nothin but a thang. Or a chicken wang. Which do you prefer? I'm asking too many questions. Wait, I've only asked like four... havent I? Eh. I dont know. I guess sometimes I'm a little too inquisitive. Or is it clueless? okay, now I'm just doing it on purpose.
Oh, but your really wondering about what the hell inquisitive means? LOOK IT UP DUDE.
Nah, I'm not mean. I'll just tell yah. It means you ask lots of questions.
My plan is to go to bed after survivor, and their reading their votes, SO I GOTTA HURRY! Um. You know how when you walk into stores, and theres that little TV thing? And you can see yourself in them when you walk in? You know how little kids ALWAYS look up and think its only THE most fascinating thing EVER! and then they make funny faces at it and stuff? Yeah, I still do that...
HOLY CRAP! IT SNOWED, AND NOW I WANT CHRISTMAS! But everyone wants Halloween, but JEEEZZ, WHY CANT WE JUST ALL EAT HEALTHY? I think I should give out apples or something. ... Zack. I have a confession to make. And it might sound kinda funny, but I'm being totally and completely serious about it. In fact, it kinda breaks my heart.
This year, Tommy is going trick or treating with his buddies, Travis and Jake in the city, near Travis' house. Its just the three of them that are going. God, I never thought it would be such a big deal to me. I'm terrified that something bad will happen to him. What if he gets kidnapped? What if he goes up to a house, and a creepy old man pulls him inside and kills him? What is he forgets to say 'yes please' and THANK YOU!? I'm scared for him. But thats not even the point. He's just so grown up. Honestly. He's TEN. And I know he's just my little brother, but it was me and Cole that raised him. He acts the way he does partially because of me and Cole. I know I'm not his mom; but I am his big sister, and his legal guardian and I'm worried, and I'm sad. And I wish he could just stop growing older. I'll always love him, but I just want my little Tommy with me a little longer. I'm not ready for the day he decides he doesnt want to be Tommy anymore. What if he wants to be Tom, or Thomas? I dont want that. He isnt a Tom or a Thomas. Hes a TOMMY. Hes MY Tommy. I know he's not my child, but I love him just as much as I love Zack and Skye and Ivy and Lily. He`s one of them. And I love him in a different way than I love my babies, but sometimes, the differences just dont matter. Tommy is my baby, too. And on Sunday he`ll be in charge of himself. He`ll have to be responsible and respectful. He`ll have to be a little man and I`m not ready for that.
Ha. I guess that did sound a little crazy. But I feel better now that I let that out. Thanks Zack, you rock. Well, Survivor is long over. I`m headed off to bed.
G night. Hugs, and more hugs.
-Mariaa
(see? No spelling errors. Except for the intentional ones ;)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
7 DAYS. DON DON DON.
October 21st 2010
(This is the email that didnt send, and so I decided to make this blog)
Gaaah. I'm so effin busy. BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
Yesterday I was thinking about how much I miss writing you weekly emails about my pregnancy. I felt closer to you then. But maybe thats becasue I had more hope back then. Anyways, I thought that I would still write you weekly emails (and maybe one or two more throughout the week if I have the time) just about the kids, the brother, the husband, and myself. Sound good to you? Click this button:
Okay, good. You are officially SUBSCRIBED.
JK that wasnt a button. But you are still officially subscribed.
This week has been a busy one. A REALLY busy one. On one hand, we got Lily waking up in the middle of the night, and Ivy waking up because of Lily. It's become a routine now. Lily cries. Que Ivy's crying. Cole and I get up. We take turns by night, one of us will get Ivy, the other, Lily. (But Cole takes Lily more because he's a sweet heart) The one with Ivy cuddles her and feeds her her bottle. Ivy falls asleep within five minutes. I put her back. I go to bed. Cole stays up, gives Lily her bottle and walks around the house with her until she falls asleep. Which takes half an hour if we're lucky.
Zack is so... two. I mean, he's ALMOST two. But he acts what everyone describes to be that "Terrible Two" stage, (he's doing pretty good at his potty training though:) but he's just ALWAYS on the move. What is it with these guys that makes them so fricken energetic? Then again, Skye is up there too. She has her cuddle time, but jeez, tutu time never ends. Both of them are talking more too. Sometimes they have conversations.
Zack: Hi Eye.
Skye: Zap!
(yes, she calls him Zap)
Zack: mooooo.
Skye: *laughs* teeet teet.
Zack: ROAR!
Skye: Boo!
So on, so forth. Both of them really love the twins, too. Zack will say, "Wheres Vee?" And "Leelee sad" Skye calls them Vee and Lee.
Tommy enjoys all the babies, too. Mostly Zack, though. They play video games a lot. So does Cole.
OH, I PICKED OUT ALL THE KIDS HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! Wanna see?
Zack is the caterpillar, Skye is the monkey (but we also got her a pumpkin costume), Ivy is super girl, and Lily is a strawberry.
Alrighty, I'm signing off for now. I'll talk to yah later.
Goodnight!
Oh yeah, and Tommy decided to be a hot dog.
(This is the email that didnt send, and so I decided to make this blog)
Gaaah. I'm so effin busy. BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
Yesterday I was thinking about how much I miss writing you weekly emails about my pregnancy. I felt closer to you then. But maybe thats becasue I had more hope back then. Anyways, I thought that I would still write you weekly emails (and maybe one or two more throughout the week if I have the time) just about the kids, the brother, the husband, and myself. Sound good to you? Click this button:
Okay, good. You are officially SUBSCRIBED.
JK that wasnt a button. But you are still officially subscribed.
This week has been a busy one. A REALLY busy one. On one hand, we got Lily waking up in the middle of the night, and Ivy waking up because of Lily. It's become a routine now. Lily cries. Que Ivy's crying. Cole and I get up. We take turns by night, one of us will get Ivy, the other, Lily. (But Cole takes Lily more because he's a sweet heart) The one with Ivy cuddles her and feeds her her bottle. Ivy falls asleep within five minutes. I put her back. I go to bed. Cole stays up, gives Lily her bottle and walks around the house with her until she falls asleep. Which takes half an hour if we're lucky.
Zack is so... two. I mean, he's ALMOST two. But he acts what everyone describes to be that "Terrible Two" stage, (he's doing pretty good at his potty training though:) but he's just ALWAYS on the move. What is it with these guys that makes them so fricken energetic? Then again, Skye is up there too. She has her cuddle time, but jeez, tutu time never ends. Both of them are talking more too. Sometimes they have conversations.
Zack: Hi Eye.
Skye: Zap!
(yes, she calls him Zap)
Zack: mooooo.
Skye: *laughs* teeet teet.
Zack: ROAR!
Skye: Boo!
So on, so forth. Both of them really love the twins, too. Zack will say, "Wheres Vee?" And "Leelee sad" Skye calls them Vee and Lee.
Tommy enjoys all the babies, too. Mostly Zack, though. They play video games a lot. So does Cole.
OH, I PICKED OUT ALL THE KIDS HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! Wanna see?
Zack is the caterpillar, Skye is the monkey (but we also got her a pumpkin costume), Ivy is super girl, and Lily is a strawberry.
Alrighty, I'm signing off for now. I'll talk to yah later.
Goodnight!
Oh yeah, and Tommy decided to be a hot dog.
Letter to Vanessa (#4)
October 18th 2010
It was like a Fricken Episode of Gossip Girl or Something.
Hey there! Again. How yah doing? I'm doing pretty good. Just laying in bed next to my darling husband who crashed RIGHT after the kids went to bed. It was a busy day, I dont blame him. I wish we went by the Bible. Sunday should be a day to RELAX. When was the last day I relaxed, again? When was the last time I had a girls night out? I need one of those. We should do that one time. Anyways, now that Cole is asleep I can rant about him ;) Well, rant on about the past. Lets continue with this Cole/Claire drama, shall we? Ugh. It pisses me off putting their names together. It pisses me off even more how good their names sound together.
Okay, so you can call me retarded all you want. You can put some of the blame on me, I know part of it was my fault. I mean, maybe it wasnt even necissary to forgive her after the last time, but I forgave Cole. And I knew Claire was sorry too. So I forgave her. And then I started to think. It would just be so COOL if we were all really good friends. And I wanted to kick it off some how. The next time Claire came over, I made her and Cole drink A LOT. (I didnt drink anything cause I was pregnant.) But seriously, they drank SO MUCH. Like, what? Some hard liquer and 5 shots of 90% tequila each? Yeah, something like that.
And heres the biggest part of my douchebagery.
So they were chugging shit; and Claire stopped chugging her shit for a minute.
Cole: HEY CLAIRE. YOU NEVER FINISHED YOURS! DRINK!
Claire: UGGGHH. ... Only if you reward me.
Cole: With what?
Me: KISS HER FOOL.
Fuck. Why did I allow that? Anyway, I was kind of happy he said
Cole: NO!
But then I had to go and be a bigger douche.
Me: COME ON! It'll pump up the party!
So he did. After that it was still a pretty good time. They drank, and we all laughed and had a good time. But then I GOT EVEN MORE STUPID, AND DECIDED TO PUT THE KIDS TO BED! Which takes a while, because Skye was strill really little and I had to breast feed her. I left. And I dont know exactly what happened when I got back, but Cole called me. I came down.
Me: You gotta be quieter, your gunna wake the kids. So, guys, whats shaking!?
I was happy. He grabbed my arm.
Cole: Maria. Claire has to go.
I felt my heart drop.
Me: ...why?
Cole: I'm sorry.
Thats all he said and then I knew. I knew shit went down, and I felt so stupid. I shouldnt have trusted Cole, I shouldnt have trusted Claire. I broke down and started crying. But then Tommy comes into the picture. Obviously he was spying.
Tommy: NO, MARIA, WAIT! IT WASNT REALLY COLES FAULT THIS TIME, IT WASNT! I SWEAR! IT WAS CLAIRE, SHE SAW HOW DRUNK HE IS AND SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM. SHE TOOK HER SHIRT OFF AND STARTED MAKING OUT WITH HIM AND HE MADE HER STOP.
After Tommy was done flipping shit, Cole flipped shit.
Cole: CLAIRE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE!
He punched her in the face and she started to bleed. Not gunna lie, at the time, I liked the fact that he did it.
She screamed and bitch slapped him. I yelled at them to stop.
Cole: Maria, I'm doing this for you. THIS HOME WRECKING WHORE HAS TO GET THE FUCK OUT!
He suddenly got more angry than I've seen him since my dad was alive. He pinned her to the ground and seriosuly started beating the shit outta her. Claire was screaming, and he was just punching her over and over and over. I got him off of her.
Maria: Cole, stop. You're really, really drunk and you have to go to our room now. Please. Go.
After a while, he left. I got Claire a wet cloth, and helped her up onto the couch. She was bleeding a lot, but she was crying even more.
Claire: Maria, I'm so sorry. I know i sound psycho but I'm not. I'm just crazy about Cole and I knew he was drunk, and I knew you were gone, and...
Me: I know what its like. To be in love with someone you shouldnt be in love with, I mean. For a long time, I was cheating on Cole. With a guy named Zack. I even named my son after about him, I was so in love with him. Part of me still is. I was a home wrecker, too.
Claire: Really? What happened to him?
Me: He's gone now. He didnt want to see me anymore. None of them did. He's gone now. And I might never see him again, and that thought scares me half to death. I used to say I didnt have Zack, even when he was still there. We tried to be friends for a little while, and I got scared. I said I didnt have him. But I did. He was still there. Claire, you still have Cole. Just not in the way you used to. You have to realize that. Because I didnt realize that, and now Zack really is gone.
We had a pretty good conversation. She left, and we never saw her for a while. Oh, BUT THEN...
But that can wait for another day.
My laptop is dying.
Goodnight.
Maria xx
It was like a Fricken Episode of Gossip Girl or Something.
Hey there! Again. How yah doing? I'm doing pretty good. Just laying in bed next to my darling husband who crashed RIGHT after the kids went to bed. It was a busy day, I dont blame him. I wish we went by the Bible. Sunday should be a day to RELAX. When was the last day I relaxed, again? When was the last time I had a girls night out? I need one of those. We should do that one time. Anyways, now that Cole is asleep I can rant about him ;) Well, rant on about the past. Lets continue with this Cole/Claire drama, shall we? Ugh. It pisses me off putting their names together. It pisses me off even more how good their names sound together.
Okay, so you can call me retarded all you want. You can put some of the blame on me, I know part of it was my fault. I mean, maybe it wasnt even necissary to forgive her after the last time, but I forgave Cole. And I knew Claire was sorry too. So I forgave her. And then I started to think. It would just be so COOL if we were all really good friends. And I wanted to kick it off some how. The next time Claire came over, I made her and Cole drink A LOT. (I didnt drink anything cause I was pregnant.) But seriously, they drank SO MUCH. Like, what? Some hard liquer and 5 shots of 90% tequila each? Yeah, something like that.
And heres the biggest part of my douchebagery.
So they were chugging shit; and Claire stopped chugging her shit for a minute.
Cole: HEY CLAIRE. YOU NEVER FINISHED YOURS! DRINK!
Claire: UGGGHH. ... Only if you reward me.
Cole: With what?
Me: KISS HER FOOL.
Fuck. Why did I allow that? Anyway, I was kind of happy he said
Cole: NO!
But then I had to go and be a bigger douche.
Me: COME ON! It'll pump up the party!
So he did. After that it was still a pretty good time. They drank, and we all laughed and had a good time. But then I GOT EVEN MORE STUPID, AND DECIDED TO PUT THE KIDS TO BED! Which takes a while, because Skye was strill really little and I had to breast feed her. I left. And I dont know exactly what happened when I got back, but Cole called me. I came down.
Me: You gotta be quieter, your gunna wake the kids. So, guys, whats shaking!?
I was happy. He grabbed my arm.
Cole: Maria. Claire has to go.
I felt my heart drop.
Me: ...why?
Cole: I'm sorry.
Thats all he said and then I knew. I knew shit went down, and I felt so stupid. I shouldnt have trusted Cole, I shouldnt have trusted Claire. I broke down and started crying. But then Tommy comes into the picture. Obviously he was spying.
Tommy: NO, MARIA, WAIT! IT WASNT REALLY COLES FAULT THIS TIME, IT WASNT! I SWEAR! IT WAS CLAIRE, SHE SAW HOW DRUNK HE IS AND SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM. SHE TOOK HER SHIRT OFF AND STARTED MAKING OUT WITH HIM AND HE MADE HER STOP.
After Tommy was done flipping shit, Cole flipped shit.
Cole: CLAIRE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE!
He punched her in the face and she started to bleed. Not gunna lie, at the time, I liked the fact that he did it.
She screamed and bitch slapped him. I yelled at them to stop.
Cole: Maria, I'm doing this for you. THIS HOME WRECKING WHORE HAS TO GET THE FUCK OUT!
He suddenly got more angry than I've seen him since my dad was alive. He pinned her to the ground and seriosuly started beating the shit outta her. Claire was screaming, and he was just punching her over and over and over. I got him off of her.
Maria: Cole, stop. You're really, really drunk and you have to go to our room now. Please. Go.
After a while, he left. I got Claire a wet cloth, and helped her up onto the couch. She was bleeding a lot, but she was crying even more.
Claire: Maria, I'm so sorry. I know i sound psycho but I'm not. I'm just crazy about Cole and I knew he was drunk, and I knew you were gone, and...
Me: I know what its like. To be in love with someone you shouldnt be in love with, I mean. For a long time, I was cheating on Cole. With a guy named Zack. I even named my son after about him, I was so in love with him. Part of me still is. I was a home wrecker, too.
Claire: Really? What happened to him?
Me: He's gone now. He didnt want to see me anymore. None of them did. He's gone now. And I might never see him again, and that thought scares me half to death. I used to say I didnt have Zack, even when he was still there. We tried to be friends for a little while, and I got scared. I said I didnt have him. But I did. He was still there. Claire, you still have Cole. Just not in the way you used to. You have to realize that. Because I didnt realize that, and now Zack really is gone.
We had a pretty good conversation. She left, and we never saw her for a while. Oh, BUT THEN...
But that can wait for another day.
My laptop is dying.
Goodnight.
Maria xx
NEW EMAIL, YAHOO!
October 18th 2010
So, heres the deal.
Hotmail SHUT DOWN my old email, they noticed some suspiciousness and I think it was because I send a bunch of emails to zackary.station.
I hope they dont shut this account down too, man.
I sent your wife like a 10 page email ranting on about Cole and Claire.
I feel much better now.
This weekend was great. We all chilled on Friday, and had a good fam jam day- and then on Saturday we attempted to go to Coras for breakfast. It worked out pretty well, actually, but Zack got a little frustrated. So did the twins. Skye did too, actually. Actually, it didnt work out pretty well. But it was .... nice. Also on Saturday, I WENT TO JAIL!! Yes, thats right, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! I mean, so many people I know have been there, and are there, its quite amazing that I havent gone there before. But I went to forgive fricken Ray Hugo. So I went to do that, and he had another visiter there, his twenty five year old brother- Zach. I was kinda creeped out by that. He was REALLLY NICE, but he does this intence stare into your eyes thing. Its weird. We went to Starbucks together. Therefore I love him. He was really nice. I think we're gunan chill sometimes.
I'm not sure if its just his name and age, but he reminds me of you. Maybe its that eye thing too. You kinda did that, too.
Ray cried, A LOT. And according to Zach, he NEVER cries. Ever. And they've been through some shit.
Theres not much else to say now. I might go email your wife again, or Kellyanne or something.
I AM BUSY, BUSY, BUSY ZACKARY.
And I miss you like hell.
So come back home from where you are.
Just come back home.
Sometimes I feel like I was mistaken,
you must be an angel.
Sit down and teach me
What life was all about.
I see myself changing
No longer a stranger.
You gave me a reason
to live again.
JK. You aint an angel. :P What a jazzy song though.
Jazzy.
Oh shit.
Mariaxx
OH BTW, HERES A PICTURE OF MY LILY BUG. SHE HAS MY EYES. MINE.
So, heres the deal.
Hotmail SHUT DOWN my old email, they noticed some suspiciousness and I think it was because I send a bunch of emails to zackary.station.
I hope they dont shut this account down too, man.
I sent your wife like a 10 page email ranting on about Cole and Claire.
I feel much better now.
This weekend was great. We all chilled on Friday, and had a good fam jam day- and then on Saturday we attempted to go to Coras for breakfast. It worked out pretty well, actually, but Zack got a little frustrated. So did the twins. Skye did too, actually. Actually, it didnt work out pretty well. But it was .... nice. Also on Saturday, I WENT TO JAIL!! Yes, thats right, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! I mean, so many people I know have been there, and are there, its quite amazing that I havent gone there before. But I went to forgive fricken Ray Hugo. So I went to do that, and he had another visiter there, his twenty five year old brother- Zach. I was kinda creeped out by that. He was REALLLY NICE, but he does this intence stare into your eyes thing. Its weird. We went to Starbucks together. Therefore I love him. He was really nice. I think we're gunan chill sometimes.
I'm not sure if its just his name and age, but he reminds me of you. Maybe its that eye thing too. You kinda did that, too.
Ray cried, A LOT. And according to Zach, he NEVER cries. Ever. And they've been through some shit.
Theres not much else to say now. I might go email your wife again, or Kellyanne or something.
I AM BUSY, BUSY, BUSY ZACKARY.
And I miss you like hell.
So come back home from where you are.
Just come back home.
Sometimes I feel like I was mistaken,
you must be an angel.
Sit down and teach me
What life was all about.
I see myself changing
No longer a stranger.
You gave me a reason
to live again.
JK. You aint an angel. :P What a jazzy song though.
Jazzy.
Oh shit.
Mariaxx
OH BTW, HERES A PICTURE OF MY LILY BUG. SHE HAS MY EYES. MINE.
Letter to Vanessa (#3)
October 17th 2010
THE CHRONICLES OF COLE AND CLAIRE.
Hell.o. Vanessa.
So as you know (well, as I pretend you know), I've been emailing your husband for almost a year about all the lovely things that have been happening in my life. The emails dont send, ever. You guys havent been on these emails for so long, that they just shut down. But I write them anyway, and think that some how, some way; you get them. And some how, some way, you read them. And your concidering seeing me again :) Oh, I wish that could be true. Really, all I can hope for is that your all okay. And that your doing things in your life. That you live life every day, get dressed, eat, laugh. Just the normal things. Thats what I want for you. Whether its with us, or without us. I've learned to live without you.
What a great introduction. Okay, Vanessa- I really should have emailed you all this time. Theres a lot I gotta tell you. Starting with, I'M SO FUCKING SORRY! For everything I ever did with Zack, for everything I ever said about Zack, and mostly the way I felt about Zack. I'm so sorry, I should have let you be with him. I shouldnt have gotten in that deep, I shouldnt have gotten in deep at all. And if it makes it any better, I'm over Zack. I'm completely over him, and I miss him; but in the right way. I miss all the things we could have done together. All the FRIENDSHIP things, and I'm so, so sorry. If by any chance, if theres any chance at all, that I see you again, I will treat you, and him, and all of you with respect. I'll be nothing more than friends with Zack, I dont want to be anything more than friends with Zack; and its not only because I know its wrong now, its because I'm over him. I dont want him in that way, not at all. I dont want to hear him say he loves me, I want to hear him telling me some retarded joke. I want to hear him laugh, I want to hear all of you laugh. I want to be a family again, but not a disfunctional one like we were before. No affairs, no kisses, nothing like that at all. Just friendship, laughs, and lots of good times.
You still have no idea how big a douchebag I feel for being that girl. For being that homewrecker, for both your family and mine. I'M SO SORRY.
I know how it feels now.
Fuck.
I'm so sorry.
I wouldnt wish that pain upon anyone. Not me, not you, not anyone. I totally feel like you, like Vanessa. Cole would be Zack. And... Claire would be me. Fuck, I hate Claire. I want her to go away. You must be happy I'm gone. Claire came in almost a year ago. Well, I guess she was there before. Her and Cole dated when they were like, 15. And had the twins- Jaxon and Julia, remember them? A lot of crap happened when we were teenagers, but it was normal. Nobody was married, nobody was completely in love. HE CHOSE ME. He had no regrets about that decision. He made that clear. He loved me, he wanted me. He seemed so sure of it, up until January- I was so sure of it.
In November, Claire came to our house. We hadent seen her in years. Fuck. She was pretty. And she came in with tears in her eyes, she said she was sorry. She said she was in love with Cole. Straight up. Just blunt and honest. And I guess that would have been okay, if she had left it at that. We could help her get through it, but Cole went along with it. Part of me doesnt blame him. He's a guy. He's young. And he got married when he was ninteen, and had kids when he was 21. He never got to be a teenager. He was too busy taking care of my ass. And then Claire came along, and offered him the life a 22 year old should have. I think thats what he fell for. He never fell for her, it was being young. They did a lot of crap together. OOHKAY, I REMEMBER THIS DAY CLEARLY. November 29th, Zack's first birthday. We thought Cole and Claire hated each other. We were scared they were going to fight, but Jaxon and Julia wanted to come. And Claire came too. THIS IS HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN.
-The doorbell rang, and Cole and Zack went to answer the door. It was Claire, and Jaxon, and Julia. Both of them looked down. It was awkward. Then Zack pushed Claire and said "NO!" He didnt approve. Cole said sorry, but it was like.. SO AWKWARD. Its awkward writing it now. There was so much hesitation. it took like ten seconds to say "sorry about that." And then when he invited them it, it was so fucking funny. He said something like
"Uh... yeah... so... come."
And Tommy just burst out laughing, and then Cole did. And Claire expression was totally something like "I cant believe I fucked this guy." But then he tried to make it better by saying
"I mean. Come with me." No, it didnt make things any better. More laughter. And then Claire said she should go. I wish she went. BUT THEN I HAD TO COME INTO IT. I just said
"Hi."
Cole said,
"This is my... uh..."
And she said
"Yeah I know. Havent seen you since you were a slut."
We worked everything out. We enjoyed Zacks first birthday, and then everyone else left. Claire had just discovered that Cole had another kid, Claire wasnt the mom, and I wasnt the mom. Cole got around. What else can I say? We all sat down.
Cole: I was screwed up. She just happened. And she happened after us.
Claire: Us? Since when was there ever an us?
Cole: Uh, maybe when we got pregnant and I helped you raise them for two years.
Claire: If there was an us you wouldnt have left.
Cole: I told you. I fell in love. Not with you.
Claire: But we had kids together. How could you do that?
Cole: I fell in love with someone else. I didnt mean too.
Claire: You were either with me, or with Maria. So when you had that other daughter, who were you cheating on?
Cole: I was cheating on Maria. Not you. So calm down.
Claire: I dont want you seeing my kids.
Cole: OUR kids, and we agreed on it.
Claire: I dont want you to see them anymore.
Cole: I LOVE THEM. What do you think I'm going to do!? I'm not going to leave them.
Claire: I dont know, Cole. But you're going to find some way to hurt them. You always hurt me. Every time I look at you.
Cole: No, Claire. The past hurts you. I dont hurt you, its the past.
Claire: Maybe its not the past, maybe its the present.
Cole: What are you trying to say?
Claire: Everytime I look at you, a part of me dies.
The lightbulb went off in my head then. "OH MY GOD, THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT ZACK LOVE!" I wanted to say. But I hoped that I was wrong. I wanted, more than anything, to be wrong. She could not be in love with my husband. Not him.
Cole: Wow, I'm not that ugly.
Claire: No, your not. Your the most beautiful person I've ever seen.
Cole: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
Claire: NEVER MIND!
Then I was like. Fuck. I gotta pop the pimple.
Me: Your in love with him.
Then she just burst out crying.
Claire: I gotta go. I'll be back later... for Jaxon and Julia, I mean.
Cole: Hey, dont cry.
Fuck, now he was gunna go all sweet and be all nice and she was gunna kiss him. This has happened too many times before. Only I'M the Claire.
Claire: I'm sorry, I can leave.
Cole: NO, dont. I mean... you dont have too. If you dont want too.
Claire: I miss you.
Those words hurt the fuck outta me. She started crying harder, and I dont know WHY I SAID IT, it just came out.
Ma: Should I leave?
And Cole nodded yes. And I left. Well, more or less. I spied. And I remember almost everything word for word.
Claire: I'm so sorry. You have a beautiful wife, and adorable kids, and I shouldnt be doing this.
Cole: Doing what? You arent doing anything.
Claire: But I want too.
Cole: Zack and Maria.
Claire: What?
Cole: Nothing. never mind. I need to clairfy something with you.
She waited for him to talk again.
Cole: You dont have to leave me. I wont leave you. But it will be a lot different.
Claire: I want you so bad. I want you to want me.
DUDE, BITCH STOLE MY LINES! I SAID THAT TO ZACK!
Cole: That's okay.
Claire: I'm sorry.
Cole: Dont be.
Claire: Dont leave.
Cole: I'm not going anywhere.
He held her hands.
Claire: I've been waiting for you to say that for a long time.
Cole: Need a hug?
Claire: Yeah.
They hugged each other. She looked up at him. AND BAM. Started making out with him. He.Never.Pushed.Her.Away.
He. kissed.her.back.
Then I came in the room.
It was horrible.
Claire left.
I let it go.
I shoudlnt have let it go.
WHOA, ALL THAT FOR THE DAY CLAIRE CAME INTO THE PICTURE? WE HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN TO THE PART WHERE HE GOT HER PREGNANT! Wow, I think the length of this email really says something about how much I MISS YOU. But I'm sure your interested in all the drama.. right? Alright, so here we got again. Part two, of the affair.
We invited them over. The three of them. Candles lit, and all that stuff. it had been a while since the incident above, and we were all for the JUST FRIENDS thing. Zack was being retarded, so Cole was punishing him when Claire came. I answered the door. We smiled at each other and said hi. It was weird. We all sat down together. Candles, alchohol, all of us. It was so weird. Claire stated just that.
Claire: Candles, alcohol, us. It's just weird.
Cole: Just like old times, right?
Claire: More or less.
They were on different couches. Thank God. it got awkward for a minute.
Cole: SO. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
Claire: You.
Cole: Oh.
Silence. Again. Cole was drinking. A lot. And fast.
Claire: You're drinking really fast.
Cole: Yeah.
Claire: Why?
Cole: Dont know. Nervous, I guess.
Claire: For what?
Cole: You're drinking a lot too.
Claire: I guess so.
Cole: Why?
Claire: Nervous. ... I guess..
I got a phone call. Brennah and Adams babysitter canceled, adn they needed me there. I dont know why I left them tehre. With candles. And alcohol. And each other. Maybe part of it was my fault. Tommy is awesome, and wrote down EVERYTHING they said.
Co: I remember Ja did something like this when he was about X’s age.
Cl: You actually remember?
Co: Yeah… why wouldn’t I?
Cl: I thought you’d just forget and move on.
Co: I’ve never gotten over them, Cl. I’ve always loved them.
Cl: *smiles* What about me?
Co: I love you, too.
Cl: Wow.
She sat beside him. X was just kind of sitting on the floor doing whatever.
Co: *looks at her* Hey. You have green eyes.
Cl: Yeah…
Co: Guess I’ve never really looked you in the eyes before. Or… for a while.
Cl: You must have forgotten.
Co: I’m pretty forgetful.
Cl: No. You aren’t.
Co: Should we go downstairs and finish our drinks?
Cl: No.
Co: Something’s wrong.
Cl: Why? Cause I don’t wanna drink?
Co: No. Cause of the way you’re looking at me.
Cl: I always look at you like this. I look at everyone like this.
Co: Oh, really? Without a smile, glossy eyes. Something’s wrong, Cl. You’re sad.
She moved closer to him. A lot closer. She looked down.
Cl: Something’s wrong with you too.
Co: Why do you think that?
Cl: I just know.
Co: You’re crying.
Cl: How would you know that? My heads down.
He lifted her chin up. Getting a little touchy, hey guys? But seriously. This was like a chick flick.
Co: Not anymore. *PE*
Uh oh.
She put her arms around his neck and kissed him again. But not long. Just like five seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Done. Or… that’s how it was supposed to be. She looked him right in the eye, her arms still around him.
Cl: Sorry.
Co: *smiles* It’s okay.
And then this crazy thing happened where she didn’t kiss him, he kissed her. And it wasn’t like the first kiss, or the second. It was like a total make out. I set my timer and then focused on the action.
He moved his hands down her back and she moved her hands by his chest. She pushed him down so he was laying on the bed and they kept making out.
Cl: I love you.
Co: I love you too.
They just kept making out, Cl laying on top of him now. Finally, he pushed her away. This had lasted exactly 3 minutes and 9 seconds. That’s freaking like 189 seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8,9,10,11, SO ON SO FORTH.
Co: I’m sorry. That was my fault.
She just looked at him.
Cl: Were we about to… like…
Co: Probably. Let’s go downstairs.
Cl: Yeah… okay…
But neither of them moved. They just laid in bed staring at each other.
X: Dada, where mama?
Co: With Ava. Come here.
Co picked up X and headed to the door.
T: Shit!
Me and Ja scrambled to my room.
Ja: That was so CRAZY.
T: They were gunna like… have sex!
Ja: I KNOW!
Tommys words hurt. A lot. Cole told me everything when I got home. Everything except that he told her he loved her.
And that was the end of part TWO.
Alright Vanessa, I'm going to go. Looking forward to part three? I hope so.
I really miss you.
So much.
THE CHRONICLES OF COLE AND CLAIRE.
Hell.o. Vanessa.
So as you know (well, as I pretend you know), I've been emailing your husband for almost a year about all the lovely things that have been happening in my life. The emails dont send, ever. You guys havent been on these emails for so long, that they just shut down. But I write them anyway, and think that some how, some way; you get them. And some how, some way, you read them. And your concidering seeing me again :) Oh, I wish that could be true. Really, all I can hope for is that your all okay. And that your doing things in your life. That you live life every day, get dressed, eat, laugh. Just the normal things. Thats what I want for you. Whether its with us, or without us. I've learned to live without you.
What a great introduction. Okay, Vanessa- I really should have emailed you all this time. Theres a lot I gotta tell you. Starting with, I'M SO FUCKING SORRY! For everything I ever did with Zack, for everything I ever said about Zack, and mostly the way I felt about Zack. I'm so sorry, I should have let you be with him. I shouldnt have gotten in that deep, I shouldnt have gotten in deep at all. And if it makes it any better, I'm over Zack. I'm completely over him, and I miss him; but in the right way. I miss all the things we could have done together. All the FRIENDSHIP things, and I'm so, so sorry. If by any chance, if theres any chance at all, that I see you again, I will treat you, and him, and all of you with respect. I'll be nothing more than friends with Zack, I dont want to be anything more than friends with Zack; and its not only because I know its wrong now, its because I'm over him. I dont want him in that way, not at all. I dont want to hear him say he loves me, I want to hear him telling me some retarded joke. I want to hear him laugh, I want to hear all of you laugh. I want to be a family again, but not a disfunctional one like we were before. No affairs, no kisses, nothing like that at all. Just friendship, laughs, and lots of good times.
You still have no idea how big a douchebag I feel for being that girl. For being that homewrecker, for both your family and mine. I'M SO SORRY.
I know how it feels now.
Fuck.
I'm so sorry.
I wouldnt wish that pain upon anyone. Not me, not you, not anyone. I totally feel like you, like Vanessa. Cole would be Zack. And... Claire would be me. Fuck, I hate Claire. I want her to go away. You must be happy I'm gone. Claire came in almost a year ago. Well, I guess she was there before. Her and Cole dated when they were like, 15. And had the twins- Jaxon and Julia, remember them? A lot of crap happened when we were teenagers, but it was normal. Nobody was married, nobody was completely in love. HE CHOSE ME. He had no regrets about that decision. He made that clear. He loved me, he wanted me. He seemed so sure of it, up until January- I was so sure of it.
In November, Claire came to our house. We hadent seen her in years. Fuck. She was pretty. And she came in with tears in her eyes, she said she was sorry. She said she was in love with Cole. Straight up. Just blunt and honest. And I guess that would have been okay, if she had left it at that. We could help her get through it, but Cole went along with it. Part of me doesnt blame him. He's a guy. He's young. And he got married when he was ninteen, and had kids when he was 21. He never got to be a teenager. He was too busy taking care of my ass. And then Claire came along, and offered him the life a 22 year old should have. I think thats what he fell for. He never fell for her, it was being young. They did a lot of crap together. OOHKAY, I REMEMBER THIS DAY CLEARLY. November 29th, Zack's first birthday. We thought Cole and Claire hated each other. We were scared they were going to fight, but Jaxon and Julia wanted to come. And Claire came too. THIS IS HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN.
-The doorbell rang, and Cole and Zack went to answer the door. It was Claire, and Jaxon, and Julia. Both of them looked down. It was awkward. Then Zack pushed Claire and said "NO!" He didnt approve. Cole said sorry, but it was like.. SO AWKWARD. Its awkward writing it now. There was so much hesitation. it took like ten seconds to say "sorry about that." And then when he invited them it, it was so fucking funny. He said something like
"Uh... yeah... so... come."
And Tommy just burst out laughing, and then Cole did. And Claire expression was totally something like "I cant believe I fucked this guy." But then he tried to make it better by saying
"I mean. Come with me." No, it didnt make things any better. More laughter. And then Claire said she should go. I wish she went. BUT THEN I HAD TO COME INTO IT. I just said
"Hi."
Cole said,
"This is my... uh..."
And she said
"Yeah I know. Havent seen you since you were a slut."
We worked everything out. We enjoyed Zacks first birthday, and then everyone else left. Claire had just discovered that Cole had another kid, Claire wasnt the mom, and I wasnt the mom. Cole got around. What else can I say? We all sat down.
Cole: I was screwed up. She just happened. And she happened after us.
Claire: Us? Since when was there ever an us?
Cole: Uh, maybe when we got pregnant and I helped you raise them for two years.
Claire: If there was an us you wouldnt have left.
Cole: I told you. I fell in love. Not with you.
Claire: But we had kids together. How could you do that?
Cole: I fell in love with someone else. I didnt mean too.
Claire: You were either with me, or with Maria. So when you had that other daughter, who were you cheating on?
Cole: I was cheating on Maria. Not you. So calm down.
Claire: I dont want you seeing my kids.
Cole: OUR kids, and we agreed on it.
Claire: I dont want you to see them anymore.
Cole: I LOVE THEM. What do you think I'm going to do!? I'm not going to leave them.
Claire: I dont know, Cole. But you're going to find some way to hurt them. You always hurt me. Every time I look at you.
Cole: No, Claire. The past hurts you. I dont hurt you, its the past.
Claire: Maybe its not the past, maybe its the present.
Cole: What are you trying to say?
Claire: Everytime I look at you, a part of me dies.
The lightbulb went off in my head then. "OH MY GOD, THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT ZACK LOVE!" I wanted to say. But I hoped that I was wrong. I wanted, more than anything, to be wrong. She could not be in love with my husband. Not him.
Cole: Wow, I'm not that ugly.
Claire: No, your not. Your the most beautiful person I've ever seen.
Cole: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
Claire: NEVER MIND!
Then I was like. Fuck. I gotta pop the pimple.
Me: Your in love with him.
Then she just burst out crying.
Claire: I gotta go. I'll be back later... for Jaxon and Julia, I mean.
Cole: Hey, dont cry.
Fuck, now he was gunna go all sweet and be all nice and she was gunna kiss him. This has happened too many times before. Only I'M the Claire.
Claire: I'm sorry, I can leave.
Cole: NO, dont. I mean... you dont have too. If you dont want too.
Claire: I miss you.
Those words hurt the fuck outta me. She started crying harder, and I dont know WHY I SAID IT, it just came out.
Ma: Should I leave?
And Cole nodded yes. And I left. Well, more or less. I spied. And I remember almost everything word for word.
Claire: I'm so sorry. You have a beautiful wife, and adorable kids, and I shouldnt be doing this.
Cole: Doing what? You arent doing anything.
Claire: But I want too.
Cole: Zack and Maria.
Claire: What?
Cole: Nothing. never mind. I need to clairfy something with you.
She waited for him to talk again.
Cole: You dont have to leave me. I wont leave you. But it will be a lot different.
Claire: I want you so bad. I want you to want me.
DUDE, BITCH STOLE MY LINES! I SAID THAT TO ZACK!
Cole: That's okay.
Claire: I'm sorry.
Cole: Dont be.
Claire: Dont leave.
Cole: I'm not going anywhere.
He held her hands.
Claire: I've been waiting for you to say that for a long time.
Cole: Need a hug?
Claire: Yeah.
They hugged each other. She looked up at him. AND BAM. Started making out with him. He.Never.Pushed.Her.Away.
He. kissed.her.back.
Then I came in the room.
It was horrible.
Claire left.
I let it go.
I shoudlnt have let it go.
WHOA, ALL THAT FOR THE DAY CLAIRE CAME INTO THE PICTURE? WE HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN TO THE PART WHERE HE GOT HER PREGNANT! Wow, I think the length of this email really says something about how much I MISS YOU. But I'm sure your interested in all the drama.. right? Alright, so here we got again. Part two, of the affair.
We invited them over. The three of them. Candles lit, and all that stuff. it had been a while since the incident above, and we were all for the JUST FRIENDS thing. Zack was being retarded, so Cole was punishing him when Claire came. I answered the door. We smiled at each other and said hi. It was weird. We all sat down together. Candles, alchohol, all of us. It was so weird. Claire stated just that.
Claire: Candles, alcohol, us. It's just weird.
Cole: Just like old times, right?
Claire: More or less.
They were on different couches. Thank God. it got awkward for a minute.
Cole: SO. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
Claire: You.
Cole: Oh.
Silence. Again. Cole was drinking. A lot. And fast.
Claire: You're drinking really fast.
Cole: Yeah.
Claire: Why?
Cole: Dont know. Nervous, I guess.
Claire: For what?
Cole: You're drinking a lot too.
Claire: I guess so.
Cole: Why?
Claire: Nervous. ... I guess..
I got a phone call. Brennah and Adams babysitter canceled, adn they needed me there. I dont know why I left them tehre. With candles. And alcohol. And each other. Maybe part of it was my fault. Tommy is awesome, and wrote down EVERYTHING they said.
Co: I remember Ja did something like this when he was about X’s age.
Cl: You actually remember?
Co: Yeah… why wouldn’t I?
Cl: I thought you’d just forget and move on.
Co: I’ve never gotten over them, Cl. I’ve always loved them.
Cl: *smiles* What about me?
Co: I love you, too.
Cl: Wow.
She sat beside him. X was just kind of sitting on the floor doing whatever.
Co: *looks at her* Hey. You have green eyes.
Cl: Yeah…
Co: Guess I’ve never really looked you in the eyes before. Or… for a while.
Cl: You must have forgotten.
Co: I’m pretty forgetful.
Cl: No. You aren’t.
Co: Should we go downstairs and finish our drinks?
Cl: No.
Co: Something’s wrong.
Cl: Why? Cause I don’t wanna drink?
Co: No. Cause of the way you’re looking at me.
Cl: I always look at you like this. I look at everyone like this.
Co: Oh, really? Without a smile, glossy eyes. Something’s wrong, Cl. You’re sad.
She moved closer to him. A lot closer. She looked down.
Cl: Something’s wrong with you too.
Co: Why do you think that?
Cl: I just know.
Co: You’re crying.
Cl: How would you know that? My heads down.
He lifted her chin up. Getting a little touchy, hey guys? But seriously. This was like a chick flick.
Co: Not anymore. *PE*
Uh oh.
She put her arms around his neck and kissed him again. But not long. Just like five seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Done. Or… that’s how it was supposed to be. She looked him right in the eye, her arms still around him.
Cl: Sorry.
Co: *smiles* It’s okay.
And then this crazy thing happened where she didn’t kiss him, he kissed her. And it wasn’t like the first kiss, or the second. It was like a total make out. I set my timer and then focused on the action.
He moved his hands down her back and she moved her hands by his chest. She pushed him down so he was laying on the bed and they kept making out.
Cl: I love you.
Co: I love you too.
They just kept making out, Cl laying on top of him now. Finally, he pushed her away. This had lasted exactly 3 minutes and 9 seconds. That’s freaking like 189 seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8,9,10,11, SO ON SO FORTH.
Co: I’m sorry. That was my fault.
She just looked at him.
Cl: Were we about to… like…
Co: Probably. Let’s go downstairs.
Cl: Yeah… okay…
But neither of them moved. They just laid in bed staring at each other.
X: Dada, where mama?
Co: With Ava. Come here.
Co picked up X and headed to the door.
T: Shit!
Me and Ja scrambled to my room.
Ja: That was so CRAZY.
T: They were gunna like… have sex!
Ja: I KNOW!
Tommys words hurt. A lot. Cole told me everything when I got home. Everything except that he told her he loved her.
And that was the end of part TWO.
Alright Vanessa, I'm going to go. Looking forward to part three? I hope so.
I really miss you.
So much.
Friday, October 22, 2010
I ate some Goooood Turkey Today
October 11th 2010
The crafts, the food, the laughter, the turkey. This past week has been so excited. Taking pictures of the twins in the leaves, wiping all the gravy off of Skye’s face (damn, she REALLY likes gravy), painting "turkeys" with Zack (well, they're supposed to be turkeys), and chasing Tommy through the forest. Maybe my sadness this week has distracted me from all the excitement going on around me. But now that the week is over, I realized how great of a week it was. The kids were all so happy. And now, I'm happy. (Besides the fact that I miss you like hell) To Zack, right now, Thanksgiving is Turkey Day. It's all about the crafts, food, laughter, and ESCPESSIALY the turkey. But he also knows that Thanksgiving is a day to "talk about what makes you happy." We told him as simply as we could this year, but he'll surely learn much more over the years, because to us- Cole, Tommy, and I- thanksgiving is about refreshing your heart with old memories. It’s about looking the dark days in the face and saying "HA! I STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR! AND YOU CANT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!" We've had so many hard days in our lives, and so, so many in the past year. Sometimes its hard to be thankful. But on days like these, its hard not to be. Here are a few things and people I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for my husband.
For the way he stands up for Tommy when he's being bullied.
For the way he calms me down when I get more angry than I should be.
For the way he disciplines the kids, because he disciplines them in the RIGHT way.
For all the star bucks drinks he bought me.
For all the pictures he's taken of the kids, and for him getting them all printed.
For all the songs he's written us.
For the way he says "You're missing Zack." as a sentence, not a question. Because he knows how i feel. All the time.
For the way he kisses me, and tells me he loves me- even when we're a little frustrated with each other.
For the way he opens the curtains each morning, letting the sun come though, and whispers into my ear and says "Good morning, love"
For the way he lets me sleep in while he gets the kids ready, and even sometimes makes breakfast.
For all the dates we have.
I'm thankful for my brother.
For the way he doesn’t let things get to him.
For the way he says "that’s okay. Its life." He plays with the cards he's been dealt.
For all the jokes he tells.
For his HELP IN THE KITCHEN!
For reminiscing on all the memories we had with you.
For making Cole and I be blunt. "Can you please leave. We want to be alone. " is not allowed. "Can you please leave? I kinda wanna make out with Cole." is allowed.
For helping with the kids when I need help.
For saying "Are you okay?" whenever he thinks I'm sad.
For being my soundtrack. He'll sing opera, he'll rap, he'll sing loves songs. He'll sing anything. :)
I'm thankful for my children.
For the way Zack says "Zack's always right."
For Skye's "Tutu Time"
For the way Ivy looks you right in the eye and "talks" non stop.
For the way Lily puts her hands all over you- feeling your eyes, your nose, your lips, your cheeks.
For my dates with Zack.
For the way I call Zack. "Zack, love!" Because it reminds me of you. And Zack knows it.
For the way Zack says everyone’s name. "Where's Kye?" "Hi Ibee" "Night night Willy." "NO, UKOMMY!" "Mummy miss Ukack?"
For the way Zack and Skye can already say "I love you."
For kisses on the lips, because nowhere else will do.
For the way Skye tugs on my leg.
For Ivy's screech.
For Lily's sense of smell.
For kisses, cuddles, and hugs.
For dress up time with the girls.
For the way they all look at the camera. All the time.
For every morning, when Skye see's me and says "HI MUMMA!"
For Ivy's CONSTANT smile.
For Lily's curiosity.
For their nick names. "Zackaroni, monster, Zack Attack, ZackaryCartmanFaith (as one word), or Zack Love" "Skye bear, Skye Skye, Kye, Pretty baby, Princess" "Ibee, Ivy dear, Smily Ivy, Miss. Independent", "Lily bug, Kitty cat, Miss. Curiosity, Lili"
For their un conditional love.
I'm thankful for my friends. For those we see, and those we dont.
For the week we spent in the Cook Islands, and all those days you were there.
For two years ago from today, October 11th 2008.
For the way Kellyanne planned that day.
For the way you said you'd always love me.
For your hugs and kisses, even though they were wrong.
For Brennah babysitting whenever we need it.
For Sarah's ghetto talk. And for her being there for me all these years.
For you saving me all those times you did. I wouldnt be here if it werent for you. My kids wouldnt be here.
For all the little fighters at the hospital who smile no matter what.
For all the songs we sing.
I'm thankful for the material things.
For tutus, and dresses, and bows.
For Zack's adorable vests.
For warm sweaters and comfy jeans.
For my blankets.
I'm thankful for the curtains.
For the video cameras.
for the videos and pictures of the kids.
For the charm bracelet you gave me.
For my wedding ring.
For journals, paper, and pens.
I'm thankful for life. For who I am today, and how far we've all come. I'm thankful for the memories I made with you and your family, and I'm thankful that you are part of my family- that we all considered each other family at one point in time. I'm thankful that today when we went around the table talking about these things we were thankful for, Tommy said "I'm thankful for Cartman even though he isnt here. And Kellyanne, Vanessa, and Miley's sexiness. For Tom's advice and Jeremys normalness, and Dereks horniness, and hey. Zack isnt that bad too. In fact, hes kind of... good looking. And nice. and funny and stuff. So I'm thankful we used to see them." We were talking about you all night long, we still are to this very minute. Zack said "For mummy and daddy" ZackaryCartmanFaith, I'm thankful for you too.
And Zack Love, I'm thankful for you. Thankful that you were once here. Thankful that you made me smile all the time, that you held me when I cried, and that we were each others only, and bestest, "brokens" I'm thankful for your abs, and your hugs and kisses, although I shouldnt even know them. I'm thankful that no matter what the status, you'll always love me. And I'm thankful those giant, gross crabs didnt eat us. I love you so much, and miss you so much.
Zack, I'm thankful that I believe nothing is impossible.
I'm thankful that I have the slightest bit of hope.
(this email was heavier than intended. At least it was heavy with happy things)
The crafts, the food, the laughter, the turkey. This past week has been so excited. Taking pictures of the twins in the leaves, wiping all the gravy off of Skye’s face (damn, she REALLY likes gravy), painting "turkeys" with Zack (well, they're supposed to be turkeys), and chasing Tommy through the forest. Maybe my sadness this week has distracted me from all the excitement going on around me. But now that the week is over, I realized how great of a week it was. The kids were all so happy. And now, I'm happy. (Besides the fact that I miss you like hell) To Zack, right now, Thanksgiving is Turkey Day. It's all about the crafts, food, laughter, and ESCPESSIALY the turkey. But he also knows that Thanksgiving is a day to "talk about what makes you happy." We told him as simply as we could this year, but he'll surely learn much more over the years, because to us- Cole, Tommy, and I- thanksgiving is about refreshing your heart with old memories. It’s about looking the dark days in the face and saying "HA! I STILL HAVE SOMETHING TO BE THANKFUL FOR! AND YOU CANT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!" We've had so many hard days in our lives, and so, so many in the past year. Sometimes its hard to be thankful. But on days like these, its hard not to be. Here are a few things and people I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for my husband.
For the way he stands up for Tommy when he's being bullied.
For the way he calms me down when I get more angry than I should be.
For the way he disciplines the kids, because he disciplines them in the RIGHT way.
For all the star bucks drinks he bought me.
For all the pictures he's taken of the kids, and for him getting them all printed.
For all the songs he's written us.
For the way he says "You're missing Zack." as a sentence, not a question. Because he knows how i feel. All the time.
For the way he kisses me, and tells me he loves me- even when we're a little frustrated with each other.
For the way he opens the curtains each morning, letting the sun come though, and whispers into my ear and says "Good morning, love"
For the way he lets me sleep in while he gets the kids ready, and even sometimes makes breakfast.
For all the dates we have.
I'm thankful for my brother.
For the way he doesn’t let things get to him.
For the way he says "that’s okay. Its life." He plays with the cards he's been dealt.
For all the jokes he tells.
For his HELP IN THE KITCHEN!
For reminiscing on all the memories we had with you.
For making Cole and I be blunt. "Can you please leave. We want to be alone. " is not allowed. "Can you please leave? I kinda wanna make out with Cole." is allowed.
For helping with the kids when I need help.
For saying "Are you okay?" whenever he thinks I'm sad.
For being my soundtrack. He'll sing opera, he'll rap, he'll sing loves songs. He'll sing anything. :)
I'm thankful for my children.
For the way Zack says "Zack's always right."
For Skye's "Tutu Time"
For the way Ivy looks you right in the eye and "talks" non stop.
For the way Lily puts her hands all over you- feeling your eyes, your nose, your lips, your cheeks.
For my dates with Zack.
For the way I call Zack. "Zack, love!" Because it reminds me of you. And Zack knows it.
For the way Zack says everyone’s name. "Where's Kye?" "Hi Ibee" "Night night Willy." "NO, UKOMMY!" "Mummy miss Ukack?"
For the way Zack and Skye can already say "I love you."
For kisses on the lips, because nowhere else will do.
For the way Skye tugs on my leg.
For Ivy's screech.
For Lily's sense of smell.
For kisses, cuddles, and hugs.
For dress up time with the girls.
For the way they all look at the camera. All the time.
For every morning, when Skye see's me and says "HI MUMMA!"
For Ivy's CONSTANT smile.
For Lily's curiosity.
For their nick names. "Zackaroni, monster, Zack Attack, ZackaryCartmanFaith (as one word), or Zack Love" "Skye bear, Skye Skye, Kye, Pretty baby, Princess" "Ibee, Ivy dear, Smily Ivy, Miss. Independent", "Lily bug, Kitty cat, Miss. Curiosity, Lili"
For their un conditional love.
I'm thankful for my friends. For those we see, and those we dont.
For the week we spent in the Cook Islands, and all those days you were there.
For two years ago from today, October 11th 2008.
For the way Kellyanne planned that day.
For the way you said you'd always love me.
For your hugs and kisses, even though they were wrong.
For Brennah babysitting whenever we need it.
For Sarah's ghetto talk. And for her being there for me all these years.
For you saving me all those times you did. I wouldnt be here if it werent for you. My kids wouldnt be here.
For all the little fighters at the hospital who smile no matter what.
For all the songs we sing.
I'm thankful for the material things.
For tutus, and dresses, and bows.
For Zack's adorable vests.
For warm sweaters and comfy jeans.
For my blankets.
I'm thankful for the curtains.
For the video cameras.
for the videos and pictures of the kids.
For the charm bracelet you gave me.
For my wedding ring.
For journals, paper, and pens.
I'm thankful for life. For who I am today, and how far we've all come. I'm thankful for the memories I made with you and your family, and I'm thankful that you are part of my family- that we all considered each other family at one point in time. I'm thankful that today when we went around the table talking about these things we were thankful for, Tommy said "I'm thankful for Cartman even though he isnt here. And Kellyanne, Vanessa, and Miley's sexiness. For Tom's advice and Jeremys normalness, and Dereks horniness, and hey. Zack isnt that bad too. In fact, hes kind of... good looking. And nice. and funny and stuff. So I'm thankful we used to see them." We were talking about you all night long, we still are to this very minute. Zack said "For mummy and daddy" ZackaryCartmanFaith, I'm thankful for you too.
And Zack Love, I'm thankful for you. Thankful that you were once here. Thankful that you made me smile all the time, that you held me when I cried, and that we were each others only, and bestest, "brokens" I'm thankful for your abs, and your hugs and kisses, although I shouldnt even know them. I'm thankful that no matter what the status, you'll always love me. And I'm thankful those giant, gross crabs didnt eat us. I love you so much, and miss you so much.
Zack, I'm thankful that I believe nothing is impossible.
I'm thankful that I have the slightest bit of hope.
(this email was heavier than intended. At least it was heavy with happy things)
I just need to chat.
Hi Zack.
Yesterday I tried to get everything in order, and it didnt work out too well. What I should have said last night is that everything is okay. Cole is keeping all of us stable, and he's gotten himself completely stable again- Zack and Skye are starting to get potty trained, which, okay, isnt the most stable thing. Actually, its kind of a mess. But if I can have a son who is potty trained BEFORE he turns two, I'll be impressed :) I guess, in short, the only stability we have right now is family. We have each other, and only each other. We feed off each other for everything. Our days are filled with love and laughter; and I am more than thankful for that. Speaking of thankful, I'm going to be cooking alll day tomorrow for tomorrows thanksgiving dinner. Thank God Tommy is a chef. He's a huge help as far as cookin goes. Tomorrow, I'm going to write to you again- most likely. I'm going to start emailing Kellyanne, Vanessa, and Cartman more. Even though they wont be able to read it. You cant either, so I guess there isnt much of a difference. But still, I CAN DREAM.
The other thing I should have done last night is elaborated when I told you I was depressed. Although thats hard to do, when your depressed- arent you just depressed? Theres no other way to describe it. I dont understand. Everything always goes wrong. Cole got into a car crash, and yes, I'm thankful that he's okay, but it still happened. And then I almost got raped and killed. And that ruined me. It's happened before, WHY DOES IT NEED TO HAPPEN AGAIN? It always happens, I wish it would just STOP. And now I'm scared for my life, and I shouldnt be, because they caught him and he's in jail. But I feel like he took something from me, even though he didnt rape me or kill me. He took away even more of my hope. Hope of everything. Hope that everything will be okay. I thought things were getting better, but they got worse again. Things keep getting worse. And I know that it would just be so much easier with you here. With ALL of you here.
I have this dream. Its that somehow, even though every time I click the send button on these emails I get an email that says "delivery failed"- I think that SOMEHOW, they get to you. And Kellyanne is smart enough, and misses me enough- to check the email Cartman and Tommy made you all that time ago. And she rememvers that its zackary.station@hotmail.com And she checks it, and sees ALL these emails from me to you. And she reads each and every one of them, and she keeps it a secret, but she sees. And if, by any chance at all that that is whats happening; HI KELLYANNE, WHATS UP!?
:) See yah tomorrow.
(Oh, and if anyone is reading this, I'll be emailing those other emails more often)
Yesterday I tried to get everything in order, and it didnt work out too well. What I should have said last night is that everything is okay. Cole is keeping all of us stable, and he's gotten himself completely stable again- Zack and Skye are starting to get potty trained, which, okay, isnt the most stable thing. Actually, its kind of a mess. But if I can have a son who is potty trained BEFORE he turns two, I'll be impressed :) I guess, in short, the only stability we have right now is family. We have each other, and only each other. We feed off each other for everything. Our days are filled with love and laughter; and I am more than thankful for that. Speaking of thankful, I'm going to be cooking alll day tomorrow for tomorrows thanksgiving dinner. Thank God Tommy is a chef. He's a huge help as far as cookin goes. Tomorrow, I'm going to write to you again- most likely. I'm going to start emailing Kellyanne, Vanessa, and Cartman more. Even though they wont be able to read it. You cant either, so I guess there isnt much of a difference. But still, I CAN DREAM.
The other thing I should have done last night is elaborated when I told you I was depressed. Although thats hard to do, when your depressed- arent you just depressed? Theres no other way to describe it. I dont understand. Everything always goes wrong. Cole got into a car crash, and yes, I'm thankful that he's okay, but it still happened. And then I almost got raped and killed. And that ruined me. It's happened before, WHY DOES IT NEED TO HAPPEN AGAIN? It always happens, I wish it would just STOP. And now I'm scared for my life, and I shouldnt be, because they caught him and he's in jail. But I feel like he took something from me, even though he didnt rape me or kill me. He took away even more of my hope. Hope of everything. Hope that everything will be okay. I thought things were getting better, but they got worse again. Things keep getting worse. And I know that it would just be so much easier with you here. With ALL of you here.
I have this dream. Its that somehow, even though every time I click the send button on these emails I get an email that says "delivery failed"- I think that SOMEHOW, they get to you. And Kellyanne is smart enough, and misses me enough- to check the email Cartman and Tommy made you all that time ago. And she rememvers that its zackary.station@hotmail.com And she checks it, and sees ALL these emails from me to you. And she reads each and every one of them, and she keeps it a secret, but she sees. And if, by any chance at all that that is whats happening; HI KELLYANNE, WHATS UP!?
:) See yah tomorrow.
(Oh, and if anyone is reading this, I'll be emailing those other emails more often)
Well, I tried to get thiings back in order anyway.
October 9th 2010
Hey Zack.
I'm trying to get things on track, and get all these things in order, and write them all down so they make sense in my brain and so I can feel close to you. Because in the end, you not being here is the hardest of all. So, lets see whats been up with everyone and everything...
Cole: is almost completely off those depression pills he's been taking for a year and a half. It's weird, usually everyone gets all depressed after they have a near death experiacne, but the crash really woke him up. I guess he realized he cant waste his life being sad and shit like that. He can walk almost normally again, he just walks like 10 times slower and limps a little bit. Which is actually really, REALLY impressive concidering its only been two months. So, he's doing quite awesome actually. He hasnt talked to Claire for a LONG time, and I really hope he doesnt. I like her, in fact, I'd be a complete hypocrite if I didnt- but THATS MY MAN. I can't believe Vanessa didnt murder me when I was that big a douchebag. But I didnt have sex with you, and we dont have any kids together, so I guess its a bit of a different story. Anyway, in short, Cole is doing good- and he's an awesome support in all my shit. And all his own. And our kids too. He's pretty stable. I kinda love him for that.
Tommy: is doing pretty good. His principal is teaching him now, since his teacher is in jail for almost murdering me- and Tommy is pretty mad about that. He cant tell anyone why Mr.Hugo is gone. The principal just said he left. And thats all Tommy could say. He wanted to make up some crazy story about him being abducted by aliens and crap like that; but the principal wouldnt let him. Personally, I'd love for the whole city to think Mr.Hugo was abducted by aliens. I dont want anyone to know the truth. And it makes me sad that people know the truth. I wish they didnt.
Zack: is almost two. Wow. He's starting to get potty trained, and he's basiclly in love with his potty. It's a frog. It's pretty kick ass.
Skye: has also decided she wants to get potty trained. She's more ahead than Zack. She'll be proud of that when shes older; getting potty trained before her older brother.
Ivy: is.so.playful. She's like a boy. She's always on the move. Its crazy.
Lily: is so quiet. But SO needy. She still doesnt sleep the whole night through, and needs A LOT of hugs and attention.
Maria: is depressed. Theres really nothing else to say, because thats straight up and honest. And because my laptops dying. Cole makes me feel better. The kids do too. But sometimes, I wish I could just have you guys. I miss all of you. A lot. And I'm scared. which is stupid because I know Ray is in jail. But shit happened with him that I still havent told anyone, and that I dont even want to write to you. I'm scared for my life. I'll write to you tomorrow.
Thank you for listening to all this crap.
You make me feel a lot better.
I miss you so much.
Good night.
I love you.
Hey Zack.
I'm trying to get things on track, and get all these things in order, and write them all down so they make sense in my brain and so I can feel close to you. Because in the end, you not being here is the hardest of all. So, lets see whats been up with everyone and everything...
Cole: is almost completely off those depression pills he's been taking for a year and a half. It's weird, usually everyone gets all depressed after they have a near death experiacne, but the crash really woke him up. I guess he realized he cant waste his life being sad and shit like that. He can walk almost normally again, he just walks like 10 times slower and limps a little bit. Which is actually really, REALLY impressive concidering its only been two months. So, he's doing quite awesome actually. He hasnt talked to Claire for a LONG time, and I really hope he doesnt. I like her, in fact, I'd be a complete hypocrite if I didnt- but THATS MY MAN. I can't believe Vanessa didnt murder me when I was that big a douchebag. But I didnt have sex with you, and we dont have any kids together, so I guess its a bit of a different story. Anyway, in short, Cole is doing good- and he's an awesome support in all my shit. And all his own. And our kids too. He's pretty stable. I kinda love him for that.
Tommy: is doing pretty good. His principal is teaching him now, since his teacher is in jail for almost murdering me- and Tommy is pretty mad about that. He cant tell anyone why Mr.Hugo is gone. The principal just said he left. And thats all Tommy could say. He wanted to make up some crazy story about him being abducted by aliens and crap like that; but the principal wouldnt let him. Personally, I'd love for the whole city to think Mr.Hugo was abducted by aliens. I dont want anyone to know the truth. And it makes me sad that people know the truth. I wish they didnt.
Zack: is almost two. Wow. He's starting to get potty trained, and he's basiclly in love with his potty. It's a frog. It's pretty kick ass.
Skye: has also decided she wants to get potty trained. She's more ahead than Zack. She'll be proud of that when shes older; getting potty trained before her older brother.
Ivy: is.so.playful. She's like a boy. She's always on the move. Its crazy.
Lily: is so quiet. But SO needy. She still doesnt sleep the whole night through, and needs A LOT of hugs and attention.
Maria: is depressed. Theres really nothing else to say, because thats straight up and honest. And because my laptops dying. Cole makes me feel better. The kids do too. But sometimes, I wish I could just have you guys. I miss all of you. A lot. And I'm scared. which is stupid because I know Ray is in jail. But shit happened with him that I still havent told anyone, and that I dont even want to write to you. I'm scared for my life. I'll write to you tomorrow.
Thank you for listening to all this crap.
You make me feel a lot better.
I miss you so much.
Good night.
I love you.
So, I almost got murdered the other day.
October 4th 2010
Hello Zacko.
I have a blog, and a journal; but I want to tell you before I tell either of those things. It's weird, you've kind of become my diary. Only when I'm writing to you, I feel like I'm not just writing down my feelings to let it out- it actually feels like I'm talking to you; well, almost anyway.
it happened on Saturday night. The day was good, busy- like every day, but it was good. I got some cute pictures of the kids, and Zack, well he said something that amazed all of us. I was sititng on the couch, he pointed his finger towards the kitchen, gave me an evil stare and said "Go clean." I MEAN, WHAT A JERK! I DONT WANT HIM GROWING UP TO BE... A GUY. He has to be sweet and sensitive. But no. He has to be sexist. I blame Uncle Tommy. Anyway, he told me I liked cleaning. I said, "How do you know mummy likes cleaning, hey?" And then he just said it.
"Zacks always right."
We were all like WTF, becasue I mean, he knows he has an Uncle Zack (Ukack he calls you) but we dont talk about you THAT much. And you always used to say that. I mean, this is just a guess, but I really hope its the truth- Zack Faith is a little mini version of Zack Love. I really wish you were here to see him.
Okay, onto the sad part of the story, which I've been procrastinating telling you. We were all in the livingroom and the doorbell rang. I bet that it was you guys, and Cole and Tommy bet it was Claire. I went to go answer it. I opened the door- and there was Tommy's grade 5 teacher- Ray fucking Hugo. And before I could make any noise what so ever, he put his hand over my mouth and pulled me out the door, closed it behind him- stuffed me in his car, and drove away. It all happened within the span of 15 seconds.
I still havent told Cole the details of what happened in the car.
He tied me up, so I couldnt unlock the car and get out. Because I would have. No matter how fast we were going.
Man, we were going fast. Too fast. Way to fast. I thought it would be a miracle if we didnt crash.
He kept one hand on the wheel, the other hand gripping tightly onto my shoulder.
I dont know why, I couldnt get out anyway. I was tied tight.
Really, really tight.
I was screaming, but I cant really remember what I was saying.
"PLEASE!" "DONT!" "PLEASE DONT!" "PLEASE!" "LET ME OUT!" "PLEASE!" " LET ME OUT, PLEASE!"
The sound of my voice was so desperate.
and he'd glance over at me, but I'd make sure our eyes didnt lock on each others.
I didnt want that to happen.
and he said so calmy, like this wasnt the first time he had done this.
"its okay. I'm not going to hurt you."
But I didnt believe a word he said.
I know rape.
I've been raped before.
And I know what guys act like when they are about to rape.
He wasnt going to rape.
No.
He was going to rape, then kill.
The drive was long.
A lot happened.
I still cant explain it all.
It was all leading up to the moment-
not the moment he took me to wherever the hell he was taking me
not to the moment he raped me
but to the moment he was going to kill me.
Because I knew he would.
We got to his apartment.
I couldnt bear to think about what Cole was doing about all this.
I couldnt bear to think about what Cole would do once he found out I was dead.
But I thought about it.
And I knew if I died, Cole would die.
He'd kill himself.
And our four kids, and Tommy would be alone.
I didnt want Cole to die.
I didnt want them to be alone.
So the second he untied me, I kicked that bitch in the balls.
I fought so hard.
With everything I had.
I'm stronger than I think.
Last time I got raped.
After Derek, your brother, raped me.
Cole wanted to make sure it would never happen again.
We pretended to fight- me and him.
I learned how to punch without breaking my fingers.
I obviously learned more than I gave myself credit for.
I was strong.
And I fought that evil man for so long.
It felt like hours.
it was probably close to an hour.
I was exhausted.
I could barely breathe.
But I didnt give up.
And he could not get me into his apartment.
We were in the back alley.
It smelt terrible.
The trash cans werent closed.
It was such a stereotypical place to rape and kill someone.
But i fought so damn hard.
It wasnt so much the fact that Cole would kill himself
its what his reaction would be when he found out I was dead.
What would he say? Would he even speak at all?
Would he run away? Or would he be still? Frozen?
or would he kill himself so fast that he couldnt even think about my death?
He couldnt even think about what the kids would be like in the future.
They would wonder who they're mummy and daddy were.
God, I fought so hard.
I never knew why I was fighitng.
I knew in the end i would die.
I had barely any hope.
But then I heard sirens.
And blue and red flashing lights.
And in the distance I saw a police car.
Coming towards us.
I kept fighitng.
They could see me.
And then I was safe.
He was taken away.
He's behind bars now.
But I'm still scared its not over.
I'm in Cole's arms now.
Again.
Safe.
Okay.
I'm okay now.
That was written in a poem format. One day, I should make a remix to that and make it rhyme. Oh that would be good times.
Hello Zacko.
I have a blog, and a journal; but I want to tell you before I tell either of those things. It's weird, you've kind of become my diary. Only when I'm writing to you, I feel like I'm not just writing down my feelings to let it out- it actually feels like I'm talking to you; well, almost anyway.
it happened on Saturday night. The day was good, busy- like every day, but it was good. I got some cute pictures of the kids, and Zack, well he said something that amazed all of us. I was sititng on the couch, he pointed his finger towards the kitchen, gave me an evil stare and said "Go clean." I MEAN, WHAT A JERK! I DONT WANT HIM GROWING UP TO BE... A GUY. He has to be sweet and sensitive. But no. He has to be sexist. I blame Uncle Tommy. Anyway, he told me I liked cleaning. I said, "How do you know mummy likes cleaning, hey?" And then he just said it.
"Zacks always right."
We were all like WTF, becasue I mean, he knows he has an Uncle Zack (Ukack he calls you) but we dont talk about you THAT much. And you always used to say that. I mean, this is just a guess, but I really hope its the truth- Zack Faith is a little mini version of Zack Love. I really wish you were here to see him.
Okay, onto the sad part of the story, which I've been procrastinating telling you. We were all in the livingroom and the doorbell rang. I bet that it was you guys, and Cole and Tommy bet it was Claire. I went to go answer it. I opened the door- and there was Tommy's grade 5 teacher- Ray fucking Hugo. And before I could make any noise what so ever, he put his hand over my mouth and pulled me out the door, closed it behind him- stuffed me in his car, and drove away. It all happened within the span of 15 seconds.
I still havent told Cole the details of what happened in the car.
He tied me up, so I couldnt unlock the car and get out. Because I would have. No matter how fast we were going.
Man, we were going fast. Too fast. Way to fast. I thought it would be a miracle if we didnt crash.
He kept one hand on the wheel, the other hand gripping tightly onto my shoulder.
I dont know why, I couldnt get out anyway. I was tied tight.
Really, really tight.
I was screaming, but I cant really remember what I was saying.
"PLEASE!" "DONT!" "PLEASE DONT!" "PLEASE!" "LET ME OUT!" "PLEASE!" " LET ME OUT, PLEASE!"
The sound of my voice was so desperate.
and he'd glance over at me, but I'd make sure our eyes didnt lock on each others.
I didnt want that to happen.
and he said so calmy, like this wasnt the first time he had done this.
"its okay. I'm not going to hurt you."
But I didnt believe a word he said.
I know rape.
I've been raped before.
And I know what guys act like when they are about to rape.
He wasnt going to rape.
No.
He was going to rape, then kill.
The drive was long.
A lot happened.
I still cant explain it all.
It was all leading up to the moment-
not the moment he took me to wherever the hell he was taking me
not to the moment he raped me
but to the moment he was going to kill me.
Because I knew he would.
We got to his apartment.
I couldnt bear to think about what Cole was doing about all this.
I couldnt bear to think about what Cole would do once he found out I was dead.
But I thought about it.
And I knew if I died, Cole would die.
He'd kill himself.
And our four kids, and Tommy would be alone.
I didnt want Cole to die.
I didnt want them to be alone.
So the second he untied me, I kicked that bitch in the balls.
I fought so hard.
With everything I had.
I'm stronger than I think.
Last time I got raped.
After Derek, your brother, raped me.
Cole wanted to make sure it would never happen again.
We pretended to fight- me and him.
I learned how to punch without breaking my fingers.
I obviously learned more than I gave myself credit for.
I was strong.
And I fought that evil man for so long.
It felt like hours.
it was probably close to an hour.
I was exhausted.
I could barely breathe.
But I didnt give up.
And he could not get me into his apartment.
We were in the back alley.
It smelt terrible.
The trash cans werent closed.
It was such a stereotypical place to rape and kill someone.
But i fought so damn hard.
It wasnt so much the fact that Cole would kill himself
its what his reaction would be when he found out I was dead.
What would he say? Would he even speak at all?
Would he run away? Or would he be still? Frozen?
or would he kill himself so fast that he couldnt even think about my death?
He couldnt even think about what the kids would be like in the future.
They would wonder who they're mummy and daddy were.
God, I fought so hard.
I never knew why I was fighitng.
I knew in the end i would die.
I had barely any hope.
But then I heard sirens.
And blue and red flashing lights.
And in the distance I saw a police car.
Coming towards us.
I kept fighitng.
They could see me.
And then I was safe.
He was taken away.
He's behind bars now.
But I'm still scared its not over.
I'm in Cole's arms now.
Again.
Safe.
Okay.
I'm okay now.
That was written in a poem format. One day, I should make a remix to that and make it rhyme. Oh that would be good times.
THE WAY YOU TURN ME ON.
September 26th 2010HEY ZACKARYLOVE, ZACKO, ATTACKO. WACKO.
Guess whos 23? Yeah. Me. As of Friday. Its Sunday now.
I HAD THE BEST WEEKEND EVER AND I LOVE COLE SOOOO MUCH.
And I know if you read this email youd smile and say "I'm so happy you've found happiness without me." I'm pretty happy about it myself, but it hurts being without you at the same time. Anyway, you probably wanna hear about my sexy weekend, hey? Well, lets leave out the sexy part. And skip to the G rated stuff.
Basiclly, we had a 20 hour date at West Edmonton Mall. I never knew anything about it, so I never knew we were staying over night, so I never brought any over night crap. But he obviosuly knew we were gunna stay over night, and never brought any shit for me either. Instead, he decided he was gunna buy me all new stuff. WHICH MADE ME SO HAPPY, I GOT LIKE THE SEXIEST LINGERIE EEVEEEERR. yeah. And then we played Hide and Seek. And it was so freaking fun. But it took forever to find each other, and we had to text each other clues, and it look like 2 hours to find Cole. He was hiding near the entrance of the water park. I hid by the big red rollercoaster in Galaxy Land. And then I hid in the Disney Store. We bought random CDs from HMV, and listened to them. It was pretty funny cause we bought the most retarded albums, and they were either crazy rap shit, or opera gospel music. But I actually think I fell in love with one of the albums. It was just so operaish and pretty. We went out for supper. He bought be a pretty awesome dress for that. AND THEN, we went to a movie. And I guess a bunch of people were in on this, cause Cole is just awesome like that. And the movie stopped playing at one point, and I was pretty much the only one who was like "WTF" and then it skipped to a video of Cole telling me really sweet things and how much he loves me. :) :) :) :) And the whole theater was in awe, and I was like "HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU" And I'm pretty sure thats the only thing i said for the next hour. HOW SWEEEEET IS HE? Seriously. You have no idea. Its almsot embarassing to say that he did that, because I get so giddy and childish just thinking about it. HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM LIVIN A TEENAGE DREAM. THE WAY YOU TURN ME ON. I CANT SPEAK. Wow. Katy Perrty is a goddess. But not as goddessish as that opera gospel album. Dont mind me and my gospel, Zack. I think its a new :thing: next to Katy Perry. I loooovvveee Katy Perry. She was on Elmos world, yah know. I gotta update my facebook likes and dislikes. I gotta like GOSPEL MUSIC and KATY PERRY. Oh yeah. Then we went to the hotel room, and drank a bit. And quite a few other things which I will not speak of. It was the first night away from our 4 kids.
ever.
I hope we can go on dates more often.
I really love Cole.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARIA!
I'm not old. What are you talking about?
IM ONLY TWENTY THREE AND YOUR ALMOST TWENTY FIVE SO STFU.
I love you, too.
http://www.billboard.com/charts/gospel-albums#/album/mavis-staples/you-are-not-alone/1390287
Guess whos 23? Yeah. Me. As of Friday. Its Sunday now.
I HAD THE BEST WEEKEND EVER AND I LOVE COLE SOOOO MUCH.
And I know if you read this email youd smile and say "I'm so happy you've found happiness without me." I'm pretty happy about it myself, but it hurts being without you at the same time. Anyway, you probably wanna hear about my sexy weekend, hey? Well, lets leave out the sexy part. And skip to the G rated stuff.
Basiclly, we had a 20 hour date at West Edmonton Mall. I never knew anything about it, so I never knew we were staying over night, so I never brought any over night crap. But he obviosuly knew we were gunna stay over night, and never brought any shit for me either. Instead, he decided he was gunna buy me all new stuff. WHICH MADE ME SO HAPPY, I GOT LIKE THE SEXIEST LINGERIE EEVEEEERR. yeah. And then we played Hide and Seek. And it was so freaking fun. But it took forever to find each other, and we had to text each other clues, and it look like 2 hours to find Cole. He was hiding near the entrance of the water park. I hid by the big red rollercoaster in Galaxy Land. And then I hid in the Disney Store. We bought random CDs from HMV, and listened to them. It was pretty funny cause we bought the most retarded albums, and they were either crazy rap shit, or opera gospel music. But I actually think I fell in love with one of the albums. It was just so operaish and pretty. We went out for supper. He bought be a pretty awesome dress for that. AND THEN, we went to a movie. And I guess a bunch of people were in on this, cause Cole is just awesome like that. And the movie stopped playing at one point, and I was pretty much the only one who was like "WTF" and then it skipped to a video of Cole telling me really sweet things and how much he loves me. :) :) :) :) And the whole theater was in awe, and I was like "HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU" And I'm pretty sure thats the only thing i said for the next hour. HOW SWEEEEET IS HE? Seriously. You have no idea. Its almsot embarassing to say that he did that, because I get so giddy and childish just thinking about it. HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM LIVIN A TEENAGE DREAM. THE WAY YOU TURN ME ON. I CANT SPEAK. Wow. Katy Perrty is a goddess. But not as goddessish as that opera gospel album. Dont mind me and my gospel, Zack. I think its a new :thing: next to Katy Perry. I loooovvveee Katy Perry. She was on Elmos world, yah know. I gotta update my facebook likes and dislikes. I gotta like GOSPEL MUSIC and KATY PERRY. Oh yeah. Then we went to the hotel room, and drank a bit. And quite a few other things which I will not speak of. It was the first night away from our 4 kids.
ever.
I hope we can go on dates more often.
I really love Cole.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARIA!
I'm not old. What are you talking about?
IM ONLY TWENTY THREE AND YOUR ALMOST TWENTY FIVE SO STFU.
I love you, too.
http://www.billboard.com/charts/gospel-albums#/album/mavis-staples/you-are-not-alone/1390287
Tomorrow Better be Better
September 21st 2010
Ma: Oh, hey Zack!
S: Oh, hey Maria!
Ma: Its been a while, hasnt it!?
S: Hell yeah, hows it going?
Ma: Well, I'm sorry in advance if this email turns out to be a piece of crap. I havent been in the best mood lately.
S: Why? Whats wrong?
Ma: Well I mean Cole is back in that 'lets forgive Claire and be friends with her' mood again, and I know that we're just setting ourselves up for more shit. Tommy is being made fun of at school from some asshole who is always saying shit about our family. I met his teacher, Ray, and he is the creepiest man ever. He said we had to talk alone, and when we did he told me to go into the confereance room. He was forcing me against the wall and said "dont be scared, theres a surrpise in that room that you need to see." He said "I know you know Zack Love. He's waiting in there and he wanted it to be a surprise." But I didnt believe him. But thats not even it, Zack. I miss you so much. And I feel so far away from you, I feel non existant, I feel like I'm DYING.
S: Dont worry about Cole, I think he's learned, and if he hasnt he'll learn one day. Be careful around Tommy's teacher, but dont be too scared because I know its nothing you cant handle. I know you miss me, but I told you no matter what, I would always love you. It doesnt matter if we're together or if we arent, I love you. And I know sometimes it doesnt feel that way but its true.
Ma: :( Tits or GTFO. I want to be able to hear you, but i'm just typing words that you will never, ever see.
S: Well keep writing to me. It's been a while and thats your problem rihgt there. You have to keep writing. For you. For me. Just do it, and I promise you'll feel better.
Ma: I hope your right, Zack.
S: Oh I am. Tell me some positive things that have been happening to you.
Ma: I CAN HAVE SEX AGAIN! Yeah, Cole is starting to walk a lot more and I'm not getting pregnant anymore! :) Finally, I feel like a normal 22 year old... well, somewhat normal anyway.
S: You wont be 22 for long.
Ma: I KNOW MY BIRTHDAY IS IN LIEK 2 DAYS!!! COLE BETTER BE PLANNING SOMETHING AMAZING! :D
S: Yepp, Friday is your birthday and tomorrow is Wednesday which means...
Ma: A year ago I learned that you had left.
S: I'm sorry about that.
Ma: I know you are. It's all good. Everything happens for a reason, right?
S: RIGHT! Just keep writing, Maria.
Ma: I will. But I gotta go... hehehehe I wanna GET IT ON WITH COLE. JK but I really gotta go to bed.
S: *laughs* Alright, Maria. Goonight.
Ma: BYE ASS HOLE.
Yupp. I thought I'd pretend we're talking so it feels more like we're talking.
Ma: Oh, hey Zack!
S: Oh, hey Maria!
Ma: Its been a while, hasnt it!?
S: Hell yeah, hows it going?
Ma: Well, I'm sorry in advance if this email turns out to be a piece of crap. I havent been in the best mood lately.
S: Why? Whats wrong?
Ma: Well I mean Cole is back in that 'lets forgive Claire and be friends with her' mood again, and I know that we're just setting ourselves up for more shit. Tommy is being made fun of at school from some asshole who is always saying shit about our family. I met his teacher, Ray, and he is the creepiest man ever. He said we had to talk alone, and when we did he told me to go into the confereance room. He was forcing me against the wall and said "dont be scared, theres a surrpise in that room that you need to see." He said "I know you know Zack Love. He's waiting in there and he wanted it to be a surprise." But I didnt believe him. But thats not even it, Zack. I miss you so much. And I feel so far away from you, I feel non existant, I feel like I'm DYING.
S: Dont worry about Cole, I think he's learned, and if he hasnt he'll learn one day. Be careful around Tommy's teacher, but dont be too scared because I know its nothing you cant handle. I know you miss me, but I told you no matter what, I would always love you. It doesnt matter if we're together or if we arent, I love you. And I know sometimes it doesnt feel that way but its true.
Ma: :( Tits or GTFO. I want to be able to hear you, but i'm just typing words that you will never, ever see.
S: Well keep writing to me. It's been a while and thats your problem rihgt there. You have to keep writing. For you. For me. Just do it, and I promise you'll feel better.
Ma: I hope your right, Zack.
S: Oh I am. Tell me some positive things that have been happening to you.
Ma: I CAN HAVE SEX AGAIN! Yeah, Cole is starting to walk a lot more and I'm not getting pregnant anymore! :) Finally, I feel like a normal 22 year old... well, somewhat normal anyway.
S: You wont be 22 for long.
Ma: I KNOW MY BIRTHDAY IS IN LIEK 2 DAYS!!! COLE BETTER BE PLANNING SOMETHING AMAZING! :D
S: Yepp, Friday is your birthday and tomorrow is Wednesday which means...
Ma: A year ago I learned that you had left.
S: I'm sorry about that.
Ma: I know you are. It's all good. Everything happens for a reason, right?
S: RIGHT! Just keep writing, Maria.
Ma: I will. But I gotta go... hehehehe I wanna GET IT ON WITH COLE. JK but I really gotta go to bed.
S: *laughs* Alright, Maria. Goonight.
Ma: BYE ASS HOLE.
Yupp. I thought I'd pretend we're talking so it feels more like we're talking.
I think I'm gunna Puke Apples
September 5th 2010
Happy Skye Day!
Hey there. Is this font a little off to you? Hm. Oh well, we're using it anyway. So, today was Skye day. Her first birthday. And I dont know if I should be happy, or sad. I did my fair share of laughing and crying today. She's... shes just not a baby anymore. And I'm not ready to have two toddlers in town. I know I still have two baby girls, but I felt really sad today when I looked at Skyes BABY pictures. I always wanted her to be THIS age. I always wanted a little girl who was just starting to walk and talk. I feel like I looked at her as a baby, and only thought about what she'd look like today. I was so busy thinking about the future, I didnt live in the moment. And now, those crawling days are over. The sleepy days are over. Shes on her feet a lot more lately, and she even said her first word today.. which was freaking adorable.
We went to the playground to celebrate her birthday. There were balloons, and tutus, and music, and EVERYTHIGN WAS SO PINK. Its what I always wanted for my daughter. I mean, seriously, go ask Kellyanne about her daughter. She'll go on and on about her. I've been planning stuff for Skye since I was 12. Anyway, we invited a bucnh of people to the park- and took lots of pictures. And there was music playing, and Skye tugged on my leg and said "DANCE!" Yepp. Finally. She talks. I'll tell you all the cool things she says. Pretty much all shes saying is "DANCE, MUMMA, DANCE!" Its so cute though.. I cant believe shes ONE. Thats like... 365 days. Which is 8765 hours! Which is 525 948 minutes! Which is 31 556 926 seconds! Im realyl shaken up about it... she's sleeping in between me and Cole right now. So cute :)
Oh speaking of sleeping. Wow. I really dont like going to bed and just sleeping with a fucking sexy boy next to me. its like. Im a dog being teased. Like HOOLY FUCK. Whens the last time I had sex? Its killing me man.
Speaking of sex, remember the good ole days when I wanted to have sex with you? I thought about one of those times today. During summer, we were chilling in the water, and I was in your arms- and you were kissing my neck and making out with me SO ITS NOT REALLY ALL MY FAULT, and yeah. I bascilly just asked you if we could fuck. You said no. :(
Wouldnt have been fucking SWEET if we had sex? I mean, that would have just fucked SO much up. It would have been so entertaining. WOW IM A BITCH. But you know, sometimes I wonder what would have happened.. I mean, either way, you would have left... It just would have been a twist. Or, even if Cole and Vanessa had sex. Wow. That would be interesting. Yeah, when they make time machines, I'm totally gonig back to those days and having sex with you just to see whats gunna happen. Sound good? Just be aware. I have a lot of non-touchable places on me, cause the bruises are too bad. OOH THERES SOMETHING YOU DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ME. Lets expand on the topic.
So basiclly, there are a few places all over my body- and if someone touches them, DAMN IT HURTS. Teh one that hurts the most is on my lower back, but then theres another one of my left shoulder blade that hurts like fuck. Then theres one place on my right arm, and behind my right knee.Yeah, remember when your brother raped me? Gooodtimes. He touched my lower back and HOLY FUCK IT HURT. Yeah, good times getting raped by your brother. But lets be honest, it was way better than al lthe other times someone took advantage of me. Wait a second. Are we talking about how good it was fucking your brother? or the size of his dick? Or what? I'm not even sure myself, Zack, so lets just change the topic.
Wow, what a good talk we're having. But enough reminiscing good times with Derek, lets talk more about Spring Break.
Okay sweet. So, where did we leave off last night?
Oh right, April 2nd...
I like how it started with me wanting to give you a makeover. it was so funny how oblivious you were. You had no idea what was about to hit you. Neither did I, honestly. Everything started off really casually. I didnt even hesitate saying "take off your shirt." But after I said it, in my head I was like "HOLY FUCK MARIA WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!!?"
S: What?
Yepp. You were just as surprised as I was. And you know, I meant to tell you, "I dont even know, S. Never mind what I just said." But instead I said
Ma: take off your shirt.
S: What?
Ma: Take. off. your. shirt.
S: What?
Ma: S. Just take off your shirt. Its not a big deal.
WTF YES IT IS.
S: What?
Ma: ABS OR GTFO.
S: I knew you'd fall for my good looks and charm one day.
You legit said that.
Ma: Oh, dont worry, S. I've already fallen for you.
You toook off your shirt.
DAYYYUUMMM BOIII.
I think this memory is starting to gget a little embarassing.
Okay so then I asked you to pick front or back. And thank the good lord you picked front...
Yeah, so. That position. is what Tommy called it. DAMN. OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT.
I just realized how embarassing this is. Yeah. Yeah. you kissed me.
Cause I turned you on. :) :) :)
SEE YAH LATER ZACK.
I miss and love you.
Maria xx
WAIT, HERES PICTURES OF SKYE ON HER BIRTHDAYY!!
Happy Skye Day!
Hey there. Is this font a little off to you? Hm. Oh well, we're using it anyway. So, today was Skye day. Her first birthday. And I dont know if I should be happy, or sad. I did my fair share of laughing and crying today. She's... shes just not a baby anymore. And I'm not ready to have two toddlers in town. I know I still have two baby girls, but I felt really sad today when I looked at Skyes BABY pictures. I always wanted her to be THIS age. I always wanted a little girl who was just starting to walk and talk. I feel like I looked at her as a baby, and only thought about what she'd look like today. I was so busy thinking about the future, I didnt live in the moment. And now, those crawling days are over. The sleepy days are over. Shes on her feet a lot more lately, and she even said her first word today.. which was freaking adorable.
We went to the playground to celebrate her birthday. There were balloons, and tutus, and music, and EVERYTHIGN WAS SO PINK. Its what I always wanted for my daughter. I mean, seriously, go ask Kellyanne about her daughter. She'll go on and on about her. I've been planning stuff for Skye since I was 12. Anyway, we invited a bucnh of people to the park- and took lots of pictures. And there was music playing, and Skye tugged on my leg and said "DANCE!" Yepp. Finally. She talks. I'll tell you all the cool things she says. Pretty much all shes saying is "DANCE, MUMMA, DANCE!" Its so cute though.. I cant believe shes ONE. Thats like... 365 days. Which is 8765 hours! Which is 525 948 minutes! Which is 31 556 926 seconds! Im realyl shaken up about it... she's sleeping in between me and Cole right now. So cute :)
Oh speaking of sleeping. Wow. I really dont like going to bed and just sleeping with a fucking sexy boy next to me. its like. Im a dog being teased. Like HOOLY FUCK. Whens the last time I had sex? Its killing me man.
Speaking of sex, remember the good ole days when I wanted to have sex with you? I thought about one of those times today. During summer, we were chilling in the water, and I was in your arms- and you were kissing my neck and making out with me SO ITS NOT REALLY ALL MY FAULT, and yeah. I bascilly just asked you if we could fuck. You said no. :(
Wouldnt have been fucking SWEET if we had sex? I mean, that would have just fucked SO much up. It would have been so entertaining. WOW IM A BITCH. But you know, sometimes I wonder what would have happened.. I mean, either way, you would have left... It just would have been a twist. Or, even if Cole and Vanessa had sex. Wow. That would be interesting. Yeah, when they make time machines, I'm totally gonig back to those days and having sex with you just to see whats gunna happen. Sound good? Just be aware. I have a lot of non-touchable places on me, cause the bruises are too bad. OOH THERES SOMETHING YOU DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ME. Lets expand on the topic.
So basiclly, there are a few places all over my body- and if someone touches them, DAMN IT HURTS. Teh one that hurts the most is on my lower back, but then theres another one of my left shoulder blade that hurts like fuck. Then theres one place on my right arm, and behind my right knee.Yeah, remember when your brother raped me? Gooodtimes. He touched my lower back and HOLY FUCK IT HURT. Yeah, good times getting raped by your brother. But lets be honest, it was way better than al lthe other times someone took advantage of me. Wait a second. Are we talking about how good it was fucking your brother? or the size of his dick? Or what? I'm not even sure myself, Zack, so lets just change the topic.
Wow, what a good talk we're having. But enough reminiscing good times with Derek, lets talk more about Spring Break.
Okay sweet. So, where did we leave off last night?
Oh right, April 2nd...
I like how it started with me wanting to give you a makeover. it was so funny how oblivious you were. You had no idea what was about to hit you. Neither did I, honestly. Everything started off really casually. I didnt even hesitate saying "take off your shirt." But after I said it, in my head I was like "HOLY FUCK MARIA WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!!?"
S: What?
Yepp. You were just as surprised as I was. And you know, I meant to tell you, "I dont even know, S. Never mind what I just said." But instead I said
Ma: take off your shirt.
S: What?
Ma: Take. off. your. shirt.
S: What?
Ma: S. Just take off your shirt. Its not a big deal.
WTF YES IT IS.
S: What?
Ma: ABS OR GTFO.
S: I knew you'd fall for my good looks and charm one day.
You legit said that.
Ma: Oh, dont worry, S. I've already fallen for you.
You toook off your shirt.
DAYYYUUMMM BOIII.
I think this memory is starting to gget a little embarassing.
Okay so then I asked you to pick front or back. And thank the good lord you picked front...
Yeah, so. That position. is what Tommy called it. DAMN. OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT.
I just realized how embarassing this is. Yeah. Yeah. you kissed me.
Cause I turned you on. :) :) :)
SEE YAH LATER ZACK.
I miss and love you.
Maria xx
WAIT, HERES PICTURES OF SKYE ON HER BIRTHDAYY!!
Poodles are Nasty Little Things.
September 4th 2010
S.
I want this to be a long email no matter what, but I dont know what direction its going to take. All I know is that its been a whole year since I've seen you. A whole fucking year. And I'm depressed, but so proud of myself. This experiance, and all the shit I've been through in the past year has changed me completely and I am a way better person now. If it was a year ago, and I knew what was going to happen in the next 365 days- I would have killed myself. If I had known then what I know now, if I knew then that I was never going to see you again, I would have killed myself. But I'm here today. And I'm strong. And I have a family, and I have friends. I just dont have you. And as hard as it is to say it, its okay that I dont. I got over you. I never let you go, but FINALLY, I'm starting to move on. And it hurts like hell. This past week has been HORRIBLE, but I'm doing it. I've been fighting this battle for way to long, and now I give up. And I'm not giving up cause I'm weak, Im definitly NOT weak, but I think thats what I need right now. A break. I cant fight for anything right now.Hey, if its meant to happen, it'll happen. And I'm saying it will never happen, because it MIGHT. Im just not going to make it happen. But I know that it probably wont happen. And I havent accepted that fact yet, but I'm on my way. ZackLove, all I can do is pray now. I just want to have a dream about you, to feel close to you for a second, I really hope I can one day. But you know what, enough of what I dont have. Lets talk about what I DO have. Lets talk about the things and people who got me through this past year.
The People...
1) God. Which is weird, me and God have never been that close. I've always known him, but we were never on speaking terms. Not until this year, when I started to pray my ass off. I talked to God every night, hoping that one day I would get to talk to you. I even prayed to you, as odd as it was. I pretend I'm talking to you, and I wait to here your voice. Hey, maybe I couldnt talk to you, but I found a way to talk to God. And that way was you. I found a reason to talk to God. And the reason is you. You were kind of the key to our relationship. Hell, you were the key to a lot of things.
2) ZackFaith. I cant say I replaced you, but you know the reason I named him Zack in the first place was so that I could always have a Zack of my own. So that I could always be able to have some "Zack and Maria time" despite which Zack it was with. I knew this might happen, and I'm glad I got prepared for it. Cause my Zack is the biggest reason I'm still alive now. He makes me feel so much closer to you. And it AMAZES me how much he acts like you. SERIOSULY, ITS AMAZING. He says "Zacks always right" and "Mummy I love you." He has this Zack smile, you know? He sings. He plays. He likes to beat up Tommy. And he dances just like you. He always shakes his butt, and after his baths he stands infront of the big window COMPLETELY NAKED, and shakes his butt, with his toy guitar in his hands, and just ROCKS OUT. We hang out in a treehouse together, its TOTALLY the new "Shack of Maria and Zack." You know, I never thought I'd ever be able to survive without you. Now I realize that all I need is a Zack. And you were an amazing Zack, and I'll always miss you. But I have MY Zack now. And I'm so thankful for that.
3) Tommy. Because we relate SO well. We can talk about you gusy for hours on end and never get bored. We talk about the things we did together, the thigns we said, the things we felt. We talk about things we should have done together, things we wish we would have said, and about how much we missed those feelings. He doesnt make me feel any better, in fact, a lot of the time we bring each other deeper down, but we get each other. We're there for each other. And we see each other going through this pain that is so un describale. But we're going through it together. Tommy really misses you. Thats one of the main reasons I want you back.
4) Cole. Obviously. Because when I'm upset for whatever reason (and the reason is usually about you) he is always, ALWAYS there. He holds me, and kisses my head. And it happens a hell of a lot, but Cole never seems to get tired of it. We've gotten to the point where he doesnt even ask me whats wrong. He just holds me, and kisses me, and says, 'It'll be okay. Hang in there, Maria.' He's always there, and he always will be there. And thats really something I need. Because my parents cant be here anymore, becasue Tommy cant be there for me, I need to be there for him. Because my siblings arent always there for me, because you cant be here for me. Cole is the one person I will always have. He is the one person who will always have me. And, again, I really need that in my life. But it always gets me a little bit shaken when he says 'You miss Zack.' Because the way he says it now hurts. Because he knows. Its just a fact now. That I miss you. And everyone can tell.
5) Skye. Skye hasnt ever made me feel any better about losing you. But she sure makes me feel worse about it all the time. Every new day with her is a new day I'm without you. When she was one week old, I hadnt seen you for a week. When she was a month old, I hadnt seen you for a month. When she started crawling, when she started walking, when she started eating all by herself. Shes like a little clock, and each little tick is another moment spent without you. But I think thats what I need. its what I always wanted. I dont want to forget how long its been, I dont want to forget you. I dont want to forget anything about you. I dont want to forget any memories I had with you. And she is just a little reminder that you were here. And shes a little reminder that you arent here anymore. But I believe that your out there somewhere. You have to be out there somewhere.
6) Ivy and Lily. I cant honestly say the twins play a huge part in helping me along with my greif, because they just joined us two and a half months ago. But I do know that this past year has been so, so depressing but when I look back on it I think 'the twins were born.' And that was such an amazing thing. Through all this depression, and all this pain, they gave me happiness. Thats something Cole cant even do. Nobody else made me happy in the past year. Only the twins made me feel like that. They make me feel like I'm glowing, and thats exactly how you made me feel. And yeah, that happiness has gone away. But that day they were born, I got that happiness for a moment. When I held them for that first time, they were all that mattered. I forgot everything else. And I was happy. I want that again.. I want it so bad..
The Quotes...
1) Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is, anyway? - Frank S
2) My ship in its harbour is safe, but thats not what ships are for. - John S
3) Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived much for fulfilling lives than those who put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure. -Cole
4) Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down. -Ray Bradbury
5) Depressed people think they know themselves, but maybe they only know the depression. - Tommy
6) Its not what you look at that matters, its what you see. -Henry David Thoreau
7) We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. -Kenji Miyazawa
8) I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too. -Missy Altijd
9) Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. - Cole
10) Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. -Edna St. Vincent Millay
11) If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill
12) You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. -Jan Glidewell
13) There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. -Harry Crews
14) Rock bottom is good, solid ground. -Cole
15) God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them. -John Aughey
16) Missing you could turn from Pain to Pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too. -Authur Unknown
17) Every kind of parting is a form of death. Parting is all we know of Heaven, and all we need to know of hell. -Emily Dickinson
(I actually laugh at how much that last quote grabs at my heart, and the chicks last name is Dickinson)
Songs...
1) There you'll be- Faith Hill
2) Far Away -You
3) Thunder- You
4) Only Hope - Kellyanne
5) Last Song - Dave Days
(haha... well... the saddest part is how much I can relate to this song... and its about Hannah Montana. Blame Tommy. Please.)
6) Stay With You- You
EVERYTHING THAT ISNT SAD.
Wow, this is a LOONNNNGGG email. And know whats weird? After writing it all, I suddenly feel SO much better. It must be the late night spell. That thing always gets to me. I just feel so relaxed and stuff at night. SO. A year, hey bud? How are you taking this? Did yah think of me today? You must know it was the one year annaversary. You know all that corny/sweet stuff you used to say to me? Well Zack, its sure paid off. Because even though all the people, quotes, and songs helped- the words you said in the past were the MOST important key to me moving on. Hm, lets have a little segment of "The things Zack said to me that make me smile all the fucking time"
The things Zack said to me that make me smile all the fucking time...
S: Not matter what the status, I'll always love you.
S: I'll miss you, too...
OKAY FUCK IT, WE'RE USING ACTIONS TOO. Good Lord, this would be so embarassing for you to see. I still kinda want you to, though...
So, we're laying in bed and I'm crying cause thats waht retarded Maria always does. You put your hand on my chin, and make me look in your eyes.
S: Thats right, I can touch your chin whenever I want too.
Then you smile.
Again, we're laying in bed. You stare at me and DO NOT LOOK AWAY.
Ma: Why are you staring at me like that?
S: Because I know it makes you nervous.
We smiled. My cheeks were red as hell, I just know it.
Oh yes, this night. We were laying in bed. My back was turned to you. You hugged me from behind and whispered near my neck so I got all ticklish and all that good stuff.
S: Your my bestest friend EVER!
You let go.
S: No. Broken. My bestest broken ever.
Dude, this happened all the way back in 2007. We were cuddling on your couch, and I was all depressed cause thats how the old, retarded me was.
Ma: I always feel like I'm falling. And sometimes I land on the clouds, but when the clouds disapear I just keep falling, and falling..
You pulled me closer, and looked at me.
S: If you were ever falling, I'd catch you.
From the same night as the "bestesst broken ever" thing. We were laying in bed just talking about unicorns or some shit- which wasnt really shit cause it wasnt serious, and that was a first. Anyway, yeah. What you said made me feel happier than you know.
S: I like you this way.
I like me that way too. Thats the way I am now.
Oh remember the good ole days when I was throwing myself at you and you were like "TITS OR GTFO" .. sorry, I watch too much Ray William Johnson. You were more like "GTFO OR GTFO" Yeah so I was crying, but heres a twist, WE WERE SITTING UP. Yeah, my head was on your knee. Then I took my head OFF your knee :O
S: I'm proud of you for that.
Fuck yeah.
Hm, I think this was the beginning of 2008. Good times. We were cuddling on your couch once again, and just having a good ole chat.
Ma: Why do you kiss me?
S: Are you sure you want me to tell you? You might say 'awe' again.
(I wish I remember why I said awe the first time)
Ma: Dude. Tits or GTFO. tell me.
S: Because I love you.
You rubbed my arm and brought me a little closer to you.
S: A lot.
AWE.
So heres another one form 2007. Me and you were yet again, cuddling on your couch. Tommy is sitting near us.
T: Ma, why are you cuddling him?
S: I'm cuddling her.
I dunno. it was just cute.
DUDE, REMEMBER IN 2008, WHEN I WENT REALLY FUCKING EMO AND CUT MYSELF AND BURNT MYSELF ALL THE TIME? Yeah, remember when I went into a coma? You totally woke me up. You sat there for like half an hour and just talked to me, and the last thing you said to me right before you woke up was awesome.
S: Wake up, love.
Yeah, love.
Oh, and heres one from the day after I woke up from my coma. You were holding my hand.
S: I've missed you.
Such proper grammar, Zackary, I'm impressed. Then you kissed my forehead. AWE.
OH, ANOTHER ONE FROM DECEMBER 13TH 2008. Good freaking times.
S: Well.
Dramatic pause.
S: I think you're the first "broken" I've ever had.
Yeah, we just smiled after that. It was a good thing. Good times being broken.
remember when we were douche bags? ;) Good times. Heres one of those times. We were in the water at your cabin, you were holding me.
S: So, you said you'd kiss me again?
You smile. I smile.
Ma: Yeah. KISS OR GTFO.
You kiss me.
S: And theres a lot more where that came from. ;)
OOOH.
October freaking 11th. Good day, hey? its basiclly cause Kellyanne rocks. So I was being a douche and basiclly tlaking about how much I just wanted to cheat on Cole. And so we were talking about "exceptions"
Ma: What kind of exceptions?
S: Good ones.
You kiss me.
Im happy. :)
And then there was Spring Break... oh lord, should I even go there? Yeah, I should. So remember when we were just chilling in our treehouse, and I was pretty much pretending it was opposite day. So I was like.
Ma: I LOVE YOU.
S: Ma, I hate you too.
You just know that I love it when you say my name before you say you love me :) And then you went on about how much you loved me, and you said I was so amazing and all that good stuff. Then you finished by saying
S: And its not opposite day anymore.
AWEEE. LURRVE YOU BBQ!
Same night as the one i wrote before, we were having a sleepover. I was laying in bed, and you were about to come to bed. You had tucked me in, and I mean, TUCKED ME IN. I was like a taco. There were blankets everywhere.
Ma: My mommy used to give me a hug before I went to bed...
S: YOU RUINED THE SURPRISE!
But then you gave me a REALLY REALLLY long and tight hug and it was just awesome.
Okay, so this was the next day. Again, we were chilling in the tree house. And this was when we were doing pretty good at not being douche bags and cheating on our spouses. But in this moment, the tables started to turn...
S: Alright.
You yawned.
S: Well, I'm tired. I think I'm going to bed now.
Really? You THINK your going to bed? Hm.
You kissed my cheek.
S: Night.
And then you left me, before I could respond.
Mysterious.
Okay. Now Im just gunna say "Ab massage" and call it a night.
We'll talk about some more memories tomorrow. Maybe go futhur into the whole Ab massage bees wax.
I am gunna email you again veery soon.
CAUSE ITS SKYES FREAKING BIRTHDAY!
Remember when you saw Skye ONE YEAR AGO?
Here she is now...
S.
I want this to be a long email no matter what, but I dont know what direction its going to take. All I know is that its been a whole year since I've seen you. A whole fucking year. And I'm depressed, but so proud of myself. This experiance, and all the shit I've been through in the past year has changed me completely and I am a way better person now. If it was a year ago, and I knew what was going to happen in the next 365 days- I would have killed myself. If I had known then what I know now, if I knew then that I was never going to see you again, I would have killed myself. But I'm here today. And I'm strong. And I have a family, and I have friends. I just dont have you. And as hard as it is to say it, its okay that I dont. I got over you. I never let you go, but FINALLY, I'm starting to move on. And it hurts like hell. This past week has been HORRIBLE, but I'm doing it. I've been fighting this battle for way to long, and now I give up. And I'm not giving up cause I'm weak, Im definitly NOT weak, but I think thats what I need right now. A break. I cant fight for anything right now.Hey, if its meant to happen, it'll happen. And I'm saying it will never happen, because it MIGHT. Im just not going to make it happen. But I know that it probably wont happen. And I havent accepted that fact yet, but I'm on my way. ZackLove, all I can do is pray now. I just want to have a dream about you, to feel close to you for a second, I really hope I can one day. But you know what, enough of what I dont have. Lets talk about what I DO have. Lets talk about the things and people who got me through this past year.
The People...
1) God. Which is weird, me and God have never been that close. I've always known him, but we were never on speaking terms. Not until this year, when I started to pray my ass off. I talked to God every night, hoping that one day I would get to talk to you. I even prayed to you, as odd as it was. I pretend I'm talking to you, and I wait to here your voice. Hey, maybe I couldnt talk to you, but I found a way to talk to God. And that way was you. I found a reason to talk to God. And the reason is you. You were kind of the key to our relationship. Hell, you were the key to a lot of things.
2) ZackFaith. I cant say I replaced you, but you know the reason I named him Zack in the first place was so that I could always have a Zack of my own. So that I could always be able to have some "Zack and Maria time" despite which Zack it was with. I knew this might happen, and I'm glad I got prepared for it. Cause my Zack is the biggest reason I'm still alive now. He makes me feel so much closer to you. And it AMAZES me how much he acts like you. SERIOSULY, ITS AMAZING. He says "Zacks always right" and "Mummy I love you." He has this Zack smile, you know? He sings. He plays. He likes to beat up Tommy. And he dances just like you. He always shakes his butt, and after his baths he stands infront of the big window COMPLETELY NAKED, and shakes his butt, with his toy guitar in his hands, and just ROCKS OUT. We hang out in a treehouse together, its TOTALLY the new "Shack of Maria and Zack." You know, I never thought I'd ever be able to survive without you. Now I realize that all I need is a Zack. And you were an amazing Zack, and I'll always miss you. But I have MY Zack now. And I'm so thankful for that.
3) Tommy. Because we relate SO well. We can talk about you gusy for hours on end and never get bored. We talk about the things we did together, the thigns we said, the things we felt. We talk about things we should have done together, things we wish we would have said, and about how much we missed those feelings. He doesnt make me feel any better, in fact, a lot of the time we bring each other deeper down, but we get each other. We're there for each other. And we see each other going through this pain that is so un describale. But we're going through it together. Tommy really misses you. Thats one of the main reasons I want you back.
4) Cole. Obviously. Because when I'm upset for whatever reason (and the reason is usually about you) he is always, ALWAYS there. He holds me, and kisses my head. And it happens a hell of a lot, but Cole never seems to get tired of it. We've gotten to the point where he doesnt even ask me whats wrong. He just holds me, and kisses me, and says, 'It'll be okay. Hang in there, Maria.' He's always there, and he always will be there. And thats really something I need. Because my parents cant be here anymore, becasue Tommy cant be there for me, I need to be there for him. Because my siblings arent always there for me, because you cant be here for me. Cole is the one person I will always have. He is the one person who will always have me. And, again, I really need that in my life. But it always gets me a little bit shaken when he says 'You miss Zack.' Because the way he says it now hurts. Because he knows. Its just a fact now. That I miss you. And everyone can tell.
5) Skye. Skye hasnt ever made me feel any better about losing you. But she sure makes me feel worse about it all the time. Every new day with her is a new day I'm without you. When she was one week old, I hadnt seen you for a week. When she was a month old, I hadnt seen you for a month. When she started crawling, when she started walking, when she started eating all by herself. Shes like a little clock, and each little tick is another moment spent without you. But I think thats what I need. its what I always wanted. I dont want to forget how long its been, I dont want to forget you. I dont want to forget anything about you. I dont want to forget any memories I had with you. And she is just a little reminder that you were here. And shes a little reminder that you arent here anymore. But I believe that your out there somewhere. You have to be out there somewhere.
6) Ivy and Lily. I cant honestly say the twins play a huge part in helping me along with my greif, because they just joined us two and a half months ago. But I do know that this past year has been so, so depressing but when I look back on it I think 'the twins were born.' And that was such an amazing thing. Through all this depression, and all this pain, they gave me happiness. Thats something Cole cant even do. Nobody else made me happy in the past year. Only the twins made me feel like that. They make me feel like I'm glowing, and thats exactly how you made me feel. And yeah, that happiness has gone away. But that day they were born, I got that happiness for a moment. When I held them for that first time, they were all that mattered. I forgot everything else. And I was happy. I want that again.. I want it so bad..
The Quotes...
1) Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is, anyway? - Frank S
2) My ship in its harbour is safe, but thats not what ships are for. - John S
3) Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived much for fulfilling lives than those who put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure. -Cole
4) Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down. -Ray Bradbury
5) Depressed people think they know themselves, but maybe they only know the depression. - Tommy
6) Its not what you look at that matters, its what you see. -Henry David Thoreau
7) We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. -Kenji Miyazawa
8) I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too. -Missy Altijd
9) Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. - Cole
10) Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. -Edna St. Vincent Millay
11) If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill
12) You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. -Jan Glidewell
13) There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. -Harry Crews
14) Rock bottom is good, solid ground. -Cole
15) God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them. -John Aughey
16) Missing you could turn from Pain to Pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too. -Authur Unknown
17) Every kind of parting is a form of death. Parting is all we know of Heaven, and all we need to know of hell. -Emily Dickinson
(I actually laugh at how much that last quote grabs at my heart, and the chicks last name is Dickinson)
Songs...
1) There you'll be- Faith Hill
2) Far Away -You
3) Thunder- You
4) Only Hope - Kellyanne
5) Last Song - Dave Days
(haha... well... the saddest part is how much I can relate to this song... and its about Hannah Montana. Blame Tommy. Please.)
6) Stay With You- You
EVERYTHING THAT ISNT SAD.
Wow, this is a LOONNNNGGG email. And know whats weird? After writing it all, I suddenly feel SO much better. It must be the late night spell. That thing always gets to me. I just feel so relaxed and stuff at night. SO. A year, hey bud? How are you taking this? Did yah think of me today? You must know it was the one year annaversary. You know all that corny/sweet stuff you used to say to me? Well Zack, its sure paid off. Because even though all the people, quotes, and songs helped- the words you said in the past were the MOST important key to me moving on. Hm, lets have a little segment of "The things Zack said to me that make me smile all the fucking time"
The things Zack said to me that make me smile all the fucking time...
S: Not matter what the status, I'll always love you.
S: I'll miss you, too...
OKAY FUCK IT, WE'RE USING ACTIONS TOO. Good Lord, this would be so embarassing for you to see. I still kinda want you to, though...
So, we're laying in bed and I'm crying cause thats waht retarded Maria always does. You put your hand on my chin, and make me look in your eyes.
S: Thats right, I can touch your chin whenever I want too.
Then you smile.
Again, we're laying in bed. You stare at me and DO NOT LOOK AWAY.
Ma: Why are you staring at me like that?
S: Because I know it makes you nervous.
We smiled. My cheeks were red as hell, I just know it.
Oh yes, this night. We were laying in bed. My back was turned to you. You hugged me from behind and whispered near my neck so I got all ticklish and all that good stuff.
S: Your my bestest friend EVER!
You let go.
S: No. Broken. My bestest broken ever.
Dude, this happened all the way back in 2007. We were cuddling on your couch, and I was all depressed cause thats how the old, retarded me was.
Ma: I always feel like I'm falling. And sometimes I land on the clouds, but when the clouds disapear I just keep falling, and falling..
You pulled me closer, and looked at me.
S: If you were ever falling, I'd catch you.
From the same night as the "bestesst broken ever" thing. We were laying in bed just talking about unicorns or some shit- which wasnt really shit cause it wasnt serious, and that was a first. Anyway, yeah. What you said made me feel happier than you know.
S: I like you this way.
I like me that way too. Thats the way I am now.
Oh remember the good ole days when I was throwing myself at you and you were like "TITS OR GTFO" .. sorry, I watch too much Ray William Johnson. You were more like "GTFO OR GTFO" Yeah so I was crying, but heres a twist, WE WERE SITTING UP. Yeah, my head was on your knee. Then I took my head OFF your knee :O
S: I'm proud of you for that.
Fuck yeah.
Hm, I think this was the beginning of 2008. Good times. We were cuddling on your couch once again, and just having a good ole chat.
Ma: Why do you kiss me?
S: Are you sure you want me to tell you? You might say 'awe' again.
(I wish I remember why I said awe the first time)
Ma: Dude. Tits or GTFO. tell me.
S: Because I love you.
You rubbed my arm and brought me a little closer to you.
S: A lot.
AWE.
So heres another one form 2007. Me and you were yet again, cuddling on your couch. Tommy is sitting near us.
T: Ma, why are you cuddling him?
S: I'm cuddling her.
I dunno. it was just cute.
DUDE, REMEMBER IN 2008, WHEN I WENT REALLY FUCKING EMO AND CUT MYSELF AND BURNT MYSELF ALL THE TIME? Yeah, remember when I went into a coma? You totally woke me up. You sat there for like half an hour and just talked to me, and the last thing you said to me right before you woke up was awesome.
S: Wake up, love.
Yeah, love.
Oh, and heres one from the day after I woke up from my coma. You were holding my hand.
S: I've missed you.
Such proper grammar, Zackary, I'm impressed. Then you kissed my forehead. AWE.
OH, ANOTHER ONE FROM DECEMBER 13TH 2008. Good freaking times.
S: Well.
Dramatic pause.
S: I think you're the first "broken" I've ever had.
Yeah, we just smiled after that. It was a good thing. Good times being broken.
remember when we were douche bags? ;) Good times. Heres one of those times. We were in the water at your cabin, you were holding me.
S: So, you said you'd kiss me again?
You smile. I smile.
Ma: Yeah. KISS OR GTFO.
You kiss me.
S: And theres a lot more where that came from. ;)
OOOH.
October freaking 11th. Good day, hey? its basiclly cause Kellyanne rocks. So I was being a douche and basiclly tlaking about how much I just wanted to cheat on Cole. And so we were talking about "exceptions"
Ma: What kind of exceptions?
S: Good ones.
You kiss me.
Im happy. :)
And then there was Spring Break... oh lord, should I even go there? Yeah, I should. So remember when we were just chilling in our treehouse, and I was pretty much pretending it was opposite day. So I was like.
Ma: I LOVE YOU.
S: Ma, I hate you too.
You just know that I love it when you say my name before you say you love me :) And then you went on about how much you loved me, and you said I was so amazing and all that good stuff. Then you finished by saying
S: And its not opposite day anymore.
AWEEE. LURRVE YOU BBQ!
Same night as the one i wrote before, we were having a sleepover. I was laying in bed, and you were about to come to bed. You had tucked me in, and I mean, TUCKED ME IN. I was like a taco. There were blankets everywhere.
Ma: My mommy used to give me a hug before I went to bed...
S: YOU RUINED THE SURPRISE!
But then you gave me a REALLY REALLLY long and tight hug and it was just awesome.
Okay, so this was the next day. Again, we were chilling in the tree house. And this was when we were doing pretty good at not being douche bags and cheating on our spouses. But in this moment, the tables started to turn...
S: Alright.
You yawned.
S: Well, I'm tired. I think I'm going to bed now.
Really? You THINK your going to bed? Hm.
You kissed my cheek.
S: Night.
And then you left me, before I could respond.
Mysterious.
Okay. Now Im just gunna say "Ab massage" and call it a night.
We'll talk about some more memories tomorrow. Maybe go futhur into the whole Ab massage bees wax.
I am gunna email you again veery soon.
CAUSE ITS SKYES FREAKING BIRTHDAY!
Remember when you saw Skye ONE YEAR AGO?
Here she is now...
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