Frustration on Vacation

We are now all prepared to wake up in seven hours and get on a plane. But today was so stressful, I don't know if I can even be happy about it... its that Spring Break Fever coming back... fuck. I just don't want to be far away from you. WHAT IF YOU DECIDE TO COME BACK? I won't be there. And I just don't want to leave the house. What if it gets broken into? What if something happens to one of the animals? The whole cruise itself won't even be that relaxing... we have seven kids with us. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood because when we surprised Claire and said she could come her and Cole were just so happy about it.
FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Zack I just don't fucking understand.
I don't mean this in any kind of lovey dovey way or anything, I'm not saying I still have feelings for you or anything but, GOD, when I was with you, I was so at peace. I'm going on a fucking cruise and I won't be able to completely relax. I've never been able to relax since you left, and its not just because I've had three more kids since then, its just that YOU aren't here. I don't mean this in a mushy sense or anything, I mean it completely literally... my heart is just broken. Its like... I'm happy, but theres a cut in my heart and its never completely full. And it can't be. Not without you. It's a physical ache. I literally feel the brokeness and it sucks.
BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, the astrology website was updated about Libras (me) ;)

But, its not about me. Today its about CLAIRE. So bring Vanessa in. Well, she might have been there all along. It doesn't really matter. ANYWAY.
HELLO ZACK AND VANESSA. Here are some facts about Claire.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA HOLD THE FUCK UP. Claire has the same facts as Vanessa.
So, go back to this post, and continue reading this one if you wanna hear my thoughts about it.
Bitch aint getting no massages from my man.
Bitch aint getting no flattery from my man. (she kind of does though)
Yeah bitch you suck.
Bitch you're sure as hell a confident home wrecker.
Fuck. fuck why does she have to be good looking? FUCK.
BITCH WOULDNT HAVE THE BEST SEX WITH MY MAN.
BITCH NECK IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF MY HOT SPOTS, DO NOT FUCKING STEAL MY MOJO.
Bitch looks sexy in nothing.
Bitch ain't playing any music when she has sex with my man cause shes not ever gonna have sex with my man.... again.
Bitch you don't get to make my man feel inferior.
Bitch... dat true. She is determined to seduce and dominated my man. TOO BAD BITCH AINT GONNA DO THAT.
Bitch you ain't cuddling with my man... even though you do... sometimes :(
FUCK FUCK FUKC FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Bitch, I agree. Food is good.
Bitch aint getting any new adventures or mysteries.
Bitch is blunt about sex. Very blunt. Thats a very true statement.
Bitch don't get to be sensual OR passionate with MY MAN.
Bitch don't get to enjoy anything natural with MY MAN.
COLE
IS
MY
MAN.
Speaking of my man...

Wanna fuck?

Hello my Loves. Every Wednesday a few people are going to answer a question or two. I was actually so intent on doing it today, that when I went to Starbucks I asked a random person to ask me a question. It was quite the experience in itself. It went a little like this..
Me: Excuse me?
*guy looks up from his laptop*
Me: Hello :)
Guy: Hey :)
Me: Ask me a question.
Guy: Wanna fuck?
Me: *NASTY LOOK OF NASTINESS, walk away with yummy drink in hands*
Then, I asked Tommy to pick two letters from A to D (Cole, Maria, Claire, Tommy) and he picked B and C. So me and Claire are gonna answer the question, in a five sentence minimum.

So, Maria... wanna fuck?
First of all, I'd like to know who I'm fucking. I mean, if you're Cole, HELL YEAH. But its a 1 in 700 000 000 000 chance that it would be. So, most likely, no, I don't want to fuck. Well... I do want to fuck, but not the person who is asking. I like the act of fucking, yes. But I wouldn't go and fuck anybody, and that's not just because I'm devoted to one person. It's cause I'm just not a whore anymore, and not just anybody is gonna get all of this ;)

Claire... wanna fuck?
How are you supposed to make a yes or no question a five sentence answer? Yes I could be down for fucking. Why? It would make Cole jealous. And then he'd want me and then he'd ask me this question and before I could even answer I'd be in his pants. And, Maria, I mean it. Bitch.

^
someones not in a good mood today...

J Man

i dunno who to talk to ill make a list and talk to everyone on that list every tommy tuesday k? but not cartman cause im not allwoed
zack
vanessee
kellyanne
miley
tom
jeremy
derek
tina llamas... maybe
maybe bob but it might be too hard
ya i think thats it well im tired so i dont want to write to anyone exciting and i dont have any secrets to tell tom and ya so....
hi jeremy
i bet you barly remember me but GUESS WHAT? i actually miss you like i really do i even cried before. for you. man tears. ya im the one who gave you playboy magazines that one christmas i think you gave them to derek... funny cuz he raped my sister a few days later...lol
hey jeremy check it out

lol thats so funny
What you don't know is that I can type with proper grammar.
It was nice talking to you J-man, I'll talk to you later.
TOODLES.
wtf
im
still
turning
into
zack

Sad Maria is Sad.

Hey Vanessa. :)
I'm sorry if I'm not all funny, or whatever the hell it is I usually am when I write these. I'm still really sick, and so is Zack, and Tommy's getting sick too. And we're leaving on our cruise on Friday and we're all getting sick and I'm so unprepared. It's so hard to keep this all a secret from Claire, she knows we're going, but she doesn't know she's coming too. Jaxon and Julia don't know either. Well, maybe Tommy slipped the tongue... hahahha, slipped the tongue. Not only that, but I'm getting that Spring Break fever. I wouldn't take that week back for the life of me, but the sadness now sucks. I just miss you all so much. And I feel so stupid for wasting seven years, you know? I had seven years to make things right and I didn't do it because I always wanted more. All I want, all I've ever wanted, was to be happy with all of you. I know now that cheating everyone and home wrecking you wasn't the way to achieve that, and I don't even feel that way about Zack anymore, I just wish we all could have hung out. I wish we could have rented a movie and eaten our weight in food, mostly chocolate. That would have been so cool, all 12 of us watching a movie together and eating and laughing. I wish I could have gone out for morning coffee with you at Starbucks, and talked about our lives and stuff. I wish the two of us could have been friends more than anything. I wish we could have had played music together and sang songs about stupid things.
AND ME AND YOU COULD HAVE GONE FOR SUSHI!!

I wish I could have made cookies with Cartman, and hung out with Miley and Kellyanne and you... I wish we could have gone camping, just the girls. And then the guys could have done whatever the fuck they wanted to. There are so many things we could have done that we didn't do, and I wish they could happen. I'm so mad at myself. I wanted that so bad. I want it more everyday. But with every passing day, my hope fades a little more. But I'll never forget you.
I wish you could see these. I wish you read them. It wouldn't really matter if we weren't together, I'd like that, but if you just read these, and commented on them... God, I'd be so happy.
I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just really down in the dumps. I love you Vanessa Love. God, I don't even know your middle name. Or your maiden name. I don't even know Zack's middle name, I don't think he has one. Actually the only middle name I do know is that Cartmans middle name is Kenny.
But lets assume you read these. Or that one day you will. Do you know all our middle names? And maiden names? We never really got to know each other.
Well, Vanessa, you probably know my maiden name is Love. My middle name is Lilianna. Not LiliAAHHHnna. It's LiliAWEnna. Bet yah didn't know THAT.
Cole's middle name is Matthias. You might have known that.
Tommy's is Jackson, you know that cause he hated it.
Zack's is Cartman.
Skye's is Ella.
Ivy's is Kelly.
Lily's is Anne.
Claire's is Brielle, Jaxon's is Taylor, Julia's is Tessa.
We have a lot of people in our house. Maybe that's why I'm in such a bad mood. Nah, the more the merrier. It's just Claire. She's going to be so happy that she's going on the cruise too. It'll be like me when we went to Aitutaki in 2009. Dear God I hope Cole and Claire don't do the shit me and Zack did. AARGHHH. I HATE PUTTING THEIR NAMES TOGETHER. Cole and Claire, why the fuck does it have to sound so good? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Alright my dear friend, I'm going to catch some zzzzzs.
Is that how you'd spell that?
I love you Vanessa.
I'm really sorry I never got to say that to you.

I feel like puking.

That is what my week has consisted of. So its safe to say I haven't had a good week. Heres a few reasons why...
- No chocolate
- No sex
- Cole sings that song all the time
- I think Zack is catching onto the song
- Zack got the flu
- I got the flu
- I was sick all weekend and didn't have sex
- I haven't had sex for 8 days
- I kept thinking about how much you'd like the Friday song and it made me sad.
- I was kind of just going through a "I miss the Loves" phase this week
- I am NOT prepared for our trip next week.

But other than that, great week.
I don't even know what I talk to you about in these subscriptions.
I'm just not feeling good. Physically and emotionally.
STUPID FUCKING MARIA
It's cause of Spring Break, I know it is. It's that Spring Break curse, I'll always get sad this time of year because I miss you so goddamn badly.
Well, that and because Friday is stuck in my head and its THE WORST SONG EVER.
EVER.
Okay, fuck it. I'm gonna have some cereal. Then we're gonna do some sexy time. (that astrology shit)
Hey Zack, man do I ever feel better after that cereal. I don't wanna be a downer but I am going through that little phase thing, but this spring break, when we reach all the dates, we're gonna laugh about it, okay? Good. GOOD.
VERY GOOD PLAN.
And before we move on to sexy time, I want to make a more organized plan of what to email y'all about. (but sexy time with Maria is just so fun I'm gonna do it whenever)
Sunday- Maria tells Zack about the week and stuff
Monday- Maria talks to Vanessa and they bash Claire and stuff
Tuesday- Tommy Tuesdays, so whatever the fuck he wants to do
Wednesday- A few people answer a question or two, in detail.
Thursday- Get to know the Faiths better, so quizzes, the astrology updates, and other stuff.
Good? Good. Okay, BRING IN CARTMAN.

Hey Carty, you're new here, aren't yah? Well, this is a little time of day where I tell you astrology facts about your sex life... or your future sex life. Sometimes its crazy true, so buddy look back at this in 10 years... or less.. and see if these apply to you. MINE APPLY TO ME.
CARTMANS BEST SEX TOY: Kama Sutra books
HOW TO ATTRACT CARTMAN: Encourage and support him
CARTMANS TURN ON: Sensual enhancement
CARTMANS WEAKNESSES: possessive, strange, and fearful.
BUDDY, YOU ARE ALL THOSE THINGS. But I don't find any of them to be weaknesses. I'm possessive too, and its awesome to be strange, and being scared isn't a weakness.
CARTMANS STRENGTHS: Passionate, seductive, and romantic.
Way to go buddy, some girl is gonna snap you up.
CARTMAN WOULD HAVE THE BEST SEX WITH: cancer and Scorpio
CARTMANS HOT SPOT: The feet.
OH YOU LIKE FOOT MASSAGES? ME TOO!!! Well, I like being touched everywhere.
CARTMAN WOULD LOOK SEXIEST IN: Soft sea green
I LOVE THAT COLOR ITS MY FAVORITE I THINK
Some other fun facts about Cartman (and any other Pisces you might know)
- Cartman loves the universe
- Cartmans sexuality is so alluring one can't help but surrender.
- Cartman may be the most sexually flexible of all the signs. WAY TO GO BUDDY!
- Cartman prefers lovers who are also friends. I feel yah
- Cartman loves to kiss and he has nice lips.
- Cartman has a stubborn side which serves to protect him from being taken advantage of.
- When Cartman is attracted to someone, he will remain that way for a while.
- Cartman believes that his soulmate is out there waiting for him. Good for you, just don't make yourself believe you have two soulmates. And if you really think you have two soulmates, please don't let them be married to anyone else but you. It makes the world a better place.
- Cartman tends to follow his heart, not his mind.
YEAH
YOU
GO
GIRL!

No Spell Chek :(

Hi guys. It's nice to talk to you again. I'm so happy Brad picked Emily. They've been fighting a lot though and I hope it all works out. He seems like less of a tool after his proposal... but he's probably still a tool, I'm just fucking like... hypnotised by sweet stuff. I fall in love easily. But I'm pretty sure we all know that. Today we're gonna do Vanessa's sexy astrology. I won't know if these are true or not since I didn't really get to know you, so you guys can just judge for yourself. But I still think its awesome for me to know, cause sex is cool. NOT LIKE I WANNA KNOW ABOUT YOUR SEX LIVES OR ANYTHING. But we're all friends here. Its a fun topic. HOLY SHIT WHY THE FUCK IS AYDEN BARKING?? SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING DOG.
fuck i hate dogs. Except Dream. She's cool.
VANESSA'S FAVORITE SEX TOY: An erotic massager.
Way to go Vanessa, I like massages too.
HOW TO ATTRACT VANESSA: Don't rush into things and don't ever be too pushy.
VANESSA IS TURNED ON BY: Flattery.
Flattery is always nice.
VANESSA'S WEAKNESSES: procrastinating, unresponsive, undemonstrative.
Hey thats not so bad, everyone procrastinates. BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE RIGHT BY SAYING YOUR UNRESPONSIVE. Not like thats a bad thing. It's just that you took a LONG time to get mad at me for cheating with your husband. It would have been nice if you had done that earlier. Cause I think we all regret it. NOT LIKES ITS YOUR FAULT.
VANESSA'S STRENGTHS: confident, thoughtful, good looking.
SEE I TOLD YOU THIS SHIT WAS LEGIT. WE WEREN'T VERY TIGHT AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL THOSE THREE THINGS.
VANESSA WOULD HAVE THE BEST SEX WITH: Cancer and Scorpio.
VANESSA'S HOT SPOT: Throat and neck ;)
VANESSA WOULD LOOK SEXIEST IN: blue and green
SOME OTHER FACTS ABOUT VANESSA (OR ANY OTHER TAURUS YOU MIGHT KNOW)
- Music is very important to Vanessa. The like mood music during sex.
- Vanessa is so smooth that she'll make you feel inferior... NOT LIKE I'D KNOW THATS JUST WHAT IT SAYS, ASK ZACK HE'LL KNOW.
- A taurus is determined to seduce and dominate you ;)
- Vanessa is more likely to cuddle after sex than other signs.
- For Vanessa, food and sex go hand in hand.
IF WE'RE TALKING ABOUT CHOCOLATE, I AGREE. Well.. okay, sex is a little higher on the scale... its like...

WAIT, NO, ITS LIKE THIS:

In my humble opinion, anyway.
Not like I have sex with anyone but Cole.
But I used to.
Not like I cheated on him.
Okay I did, but only with Zack and we never had sex.
I mean when I was a whore when I was a teenager.
And Cole is better than all those guys.
Obviously.
I'm married to him.
NOT THAT THATS THE REASON I MARRIED HIM. Okay, lets just continue with these facts.
- Vanessa is always searching for new adventures and mysteries.
- Taurus tend to be very blunt about sex. HIGH FIVE IF YOU ARE, I AM TOO.
- Vanessa is more sensual than passionate.
Sensual is cool, but I'm fucking scared if candles are lit that my hair will catch on fire or something. THAT WOULD SUCK.
- Sex is never a game for Vanessa; she sees is as something natural and something to be enjoyed.
AMEN SISTA.

Oh, and also since the website has been updated, thought you might want to know that...
KELLYANES FAVORITE SEX TOY: Vibrator
TOMMYS FAVORITE SEX TOY: Handcuffs ... oh God, is it terrible that I could see that being true?
MARIA'S FAVORITE SEX TOY: Lubrication
hahahahahaha
hahhaha
hahaha
haha
ha
.
...
.....
BYE

Bachelor is so good.

Hey Vanessa... umm... so I kinda hope you haven't been watching the Bachelor cause I just watched the finale and didn't write anything about it.. I thought it would be nice to cuddle up to Cole and swear at Brad and be like "its totally gonna be Emily." And then Cole saying "Yeah shes nice" And me saying "And really pretty" and him saying "Yeah, but Chantel is fucking sexy"
WHOA. WHOA. HOLD UP BOY.
Anyway, he obviously picked Emily. And... yeah, I cried like a baby at the end. I hate Brad, but at the very end, he seemed... real. And now I'm watching the After the Final Rose ceremony and Chantels already dating again. I'm sorry I'm...
WHOA WHOA HOLD UP, HIM AND EMILY BROKE UP.... ALREADY. DAMMIT. Oh wait, apparently it was temporary and they're getting through it.
Sorry its just so intense. LOVE YOU :)

Chocolate.

That picture is the devil and it is torturing me. It's sucking out my soul. Why did I give up chocolate for lent? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!??!!?!?!?
I want chocolate. I need it. Any kind of chocolate.
Chocolate cookies
Chocolate cake
Chocolate covered strawberry's
Chocolate covered bananas
Chocolate covered anything
Chocolate covered anyone ;)
Okay just Cole
Chocolate bars
Bounty Bars
Reeces Pieces
lindor chocolate
Hershey almond chocolate bar
Turkish delight
Chocolate sauce
Chocolate sauce on ice cream
Chocolate sauce in my Starbucks
Chocolate sauce on anything
Chocolate sauce on anyone ;)
okay just Cole
FUCK I WANT CHOCOLATE. I'M HORNY FOR CHOCOLATE.

I WANT THAT

I WANT THAT MORE

I REALLY WANT THAT

I could eat that.

GET INSIDE ME!!!!!!!
Zack you don't understand. Chocolate is like sex. The two go hand in hand. Without chocolate, I have to have sex ten times more... not like that's a bad thing but guess what Cole gave up for lent? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT CHOCOLATE AND SEX? I'M DYING HERE. Well... Cole says weekends don't count. BUT STILL, IT FUCKING SUCKS.
That being said, I have a really good reason to look forward for the weekend.
But this week was pretty good, other than that one night when Cole and I fought and he went out and got drunk. Right after I wrote about that to you, he called me and I picked him up. On Friday Cole and I went out and worked a lot of stuff out, we just had a really good date and I'm pretty sure all this fighting is over. Tommy hasn't been doing too good lately, he really misses all of you. He doesn't like playing with Jaxon and he doesn't make jokes. He likes to stay in his room. I don't know what to do with him, when he gets like this we usually just have a talk and cry a bit and then he's fine. But we've done that so many times, it doesn't work anymore. He's ten and he's depressed. I don't know what to do. Cole bought him A BUNCH of candy and he denied ALL OF IT. He took ONE sour dino and put it on his little Cartman shrine that he has. It makes me so sad to see him like this. I hate it. Writing to you about it makes me cry.
SO LETS JUST LIGHTEN THE MOOD :)
You know how theres a national day everyday for the most fucked up shit? I found this website that says what they all are, so we're going to go through our line of wonderful people and see what each day is.
Cole: National step in a puddle and splash your friend day
Maria: Festival of Latest Novelties
WTF WHY IS MINE SO BORING?
Tommy: National peanut butter and jelly day
Zack Faith: Square dance day
Skye: Be late for something day
Ivy and Lily: National hug holiday AND King Kameehajfhsadfjsadkhkfsd day
THAT'S COOL CAUSE THERES TWO OF THEM.
Claire: Read me Day
Jaxon and Julia: Yeah I have no idea what day it is... lets guess and say August 23rd. National spongecake day.
You, Zack Love: Unlucky Day
HAHAHAHHAA IN YOUR FACE ZACK!!!!!
Vanessa: Shit I don't know the exact date.. I'm gonna go with May 6th BEVERAGE DAY
Miley: Okay, here is a COMPLETELY random guess... July 18th NATIONAL ICECREAM DAY
wheres national chocolate day?
Kellyanne: I'm gonna guess... February 19th... ACTUALLY, HERE:
February 17th: champion crab races day
February 18th: National Battery day
February 19th: National chocolate mint day
CHOCOLATE MINT?
CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KELLYANNE YOU LUCKY BITCH.
Cartman: Again, I'm not too sure, I think its March 6th but here:
March 4th: Holy experiment day
March 5th: Multiple personalities day
March 6th: National frozen food day
I know its not the 7th
March 8th: Be Nasty Day
March 9th: Panic day
OKAY WE'RE FINDING CHOCOLATE DAY NOW...
CTRL and F .... FOURTEEN RESULTS!!
December 28th: NATIONAL CHOCOLATE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 16th: National chocolate covered anything day ;)
November 7th: National chocolate covered almonds day
October 28th: ANOTHER NATIONAL CHOCOLATE DAY?? WTF.... oh well, the more the merrier.
September 12th: National Chocolate milkshake day
July 28th: National milk chocolate day
June 26th: National chocolate pudding day
June 22nd: National chocolate eclair day
June 7th: National chocolate ice cream day
May 15th: National chocolate chips day
March 24th: National chocolate covered raisins day (THAT'S MY HALF BIRTHDAY!!!!)
February 19th: National chocolate mint day
Well, that was fun. Tell Vanessa I'm SO excited for tomorrow please.
CAUSE
I'M
SO
EXCITED
FOR
THE
BACHELOR
FINALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY GONE! :(

Hi Zack and Vanessa... again. I just wrote to Kellyanne but I really want to write to you. Writing to Kellyanne made me happier but I'm really fucking worried and anxious right now. Cole was at a friends place and got into a bit of trouble, he just drank too much or whatever. He sounded pretty messed up on the phone and I was trying to convince him not to drive and then the phone went dead and he isn't answering his phone and he's not answering his texts and his friend isn't answering his phone or his texts. I don't understand, I was talking to him and it didn't seem like anything chaotic was going on. It was quiet, he was just really drunk. We weren't mad at each other or anything. I'm freaking out now though. I'm so tired but I know I won't be able to sleep until I get a hold of him. I'll drive over there if I don't hear from him in an hour. Okay. Yeah. Good plan.

The Great Horned Owl

Hi Kellyanne. Since you're a smart girl, I think you get what we're doing by that little picture up there. These are not only facts about you based on your zodiac sign, no, they are SEXUAL facts about you based on that. I know you were never really into that stuff, but you're fifteen now, you MUST be into it. Right? Okay, lets do this.
HOW TO ATTRACT KELLYANNE: Be imaginative in both your actions and words.
KELLYANNES TURN ON: Being unconventional
And for stupid fucks, unconventional means to not follow the rules. Ooo, Kellyanne, you like them bad boys, hey? ;)
KELLYANNE'S WEAKNESSES: busy, superficial, unreliable.
OKAY, YOU ARE NOT SUPERFICIAL. I could see you being busy though, and because of that unreliable.... YOU KNOW WHAT, WHATEVER, LETS JUST SEE YOUR STRENGTHS.
KELLYANNE'S STRENGTHS: spontaneous, natural, and enjoyable.
Ah, there we go. Much better.
KELLYANNE WOULD HAVE THE BEST SEX WITH: Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius.
SWEET I'M LIBRA.
KELLYANNE FLIRTS BY: showing you how different she is from the rest.
KELLYANNE'S HOT SPOT: Wrists and ankles.
OKAY, I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING "WTF" but think about it... you aren't a sexual being, and wrists and ankles aren't sexual. Imagine some sexy man rubbing, caressing, and kissing your wrists and ankles... it's kind of a sweet little gesture, ISN'T IT!?
KELLYANNE WOULD LOOK SEXIEST IN: electric blue
SOME OTHER FUN AND SEXUAL FACTS ABOUT KELLYANNE (AND ANY OTHER AQUARIUS' YOU MIGHT KNOW)
- An Aquarius will fuck your mind first, then make you beg for more ;)
- Aquarius loves being naughty online, because its safe. (OH REALLY?)
- An Aquarius will likely try something new in bed.
- Aquarius are turned on by open minds.
- An Aquarius will stick around much longer if they feel free and not judged by you.
- An Aquarius is all for kinky ;)

Kellyanne, read this in five years. MAYBE IT WILL BE YOU. We can laugh at you if it is.

I feel so untouched and I want you so much that I just can't resist you its not enough to say that I miss you <- forgot that song existed until today

Hi Zack and Vanessa, again. I thought since its Tommy Tuesday, but I'm writing, I'd go right ahead and talk about Tommy's Zodiac facts... not that he's sexually active or anything, BUT HE WILL BE- and then he can look back at this and see if its true or not. Then we can laugh in his face cause it probably will be. I'm just gonna get right into this... YOU KNOW WHAT? WE SHOULD HAVE A PICTURE FOR THIS SEGMENT.

Much better. Anyway, this one is all about the future Tommy.
TOMMY'S TURN ON: (whoa I feel incest-ish saying what turns him on)Clever conversations (or boobs)
TOMMY'S WEAKNESSES: Forgotten, stressed, and unaware.
UNAWARE FOR SURE. But I'll never forget him. But he does get stressed.
TOMMY'S STRENGTHS: Independent, honest, energetic
All those are true.
TOMMY CAN BE: stubborn and impulsive in public but tender and sweet in private.
WHOA THAT'S SO HIM, WTF THAT'S CRAZY. EVEN YOU MUST GET THAT. THAT'S CRAZY.
TOMMY WOULD HAVE THE BEST SEX WITH: Leo, Scorpio, and Sagittarius.
TOMMY'S.... hot spot: Wow, I don't even want to know. Anyway, the head. WTF. THE HEAD? Oh I think they mean ears and stuff. That makes sense. Unless they mean... head... of the penis. EWEWEWEWEW I DON'T WANNA THINK
OF
THAT
THAT'S
SO
GROSS
A HORNY TOMMY: will hunt you down.
oh wow. this is uncomfortable.
IF TOMMY WAS A GIRL: he'd look sexiest in red
SOME OTHER FUN FACTS ABOUT TOMMY (OR ANYONE ARIES YOU MIGHT KNOW)
- Aries do not like complicated things. They just expect a straight up fuck. (that sounds like Tommy)
- Aries push for what they want and if they don't get it, they get very unhappy. (that sounds like him too)
- Aries may seem arrogant, but its just because they know what they want.
- Aries don't care if they place is public or uncomfortable, if they want to have sex they will. (that also sounds like Tommy... and me)

I think Cartman might want to read this so this is officially to Cartman too. :) Hi Cartman. Hmmm... should we just do Cartmans now? No. I'm pretty tired. Alright, goodnight all of you, I'll talk to you soon :)

All this talk about sex makes me wanna have it.

Hi Vanessa, this is for your husband too.
GO GET HIM.
HEY GUYS!!!
This isn't an episode of the Bachelor, its "THE BACHELOR- THE WOMEN TELL ALL" just because they want to murder me and make me wait another week for the finale. Apparently, psycho Michelle acts normal in this. CRAZY. They were just talking about the party that they had, once a year everyone who's ever been on the Bachelor/Bachelorette gets together and parties and its pretty much just a bunch of people having sex. Again, just another thing that will murder Maria. I WISH I COULD WATCH THAT. ... I mean, not in a pornish way, I just wanna know who's hooking up with who. They're going over how each other felt when other girls kissed Brad. Well, that's what they get for agreeing to date a douche bag who's dating 25 other girls... theres gonna be a lot of threesome stuff.
Okay, anyway, hi Vanessa. Hi Zack. This is kinda awkward, isn't it? I mean, remember back in the day when me and Vanessa were in love with Zack... oh good times... I just feel like you're on the other end of this email being like
"I still fucking hate this bitch."
"Whore."
"I bet you $1000 shes still a home wrecker"
"Bitch don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game" (You know, from Love the Way you Lie... no? Okay. Its just me)
But that's okay guys. I'm cool. Please give me a chance to prove that. Sooner or later. But until that happens, I'm going to share some good ole astrology stuff with you. WHO SHOULD WE DO FIRST? First of all, I'm going to figure out what everyone is.
Cole: Capricorn
Maria: Libra
Tommy: Aries
Zack Faith: Sagittarius
Skye: Virgo
Ivy and Lily: Gemini
Claire: Taurus
Jaxon and Julia: Virgo (I think)
Zack Love: Capricorn
Vanessa: Taurus
Miley: WTF I'M SORRY I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN HER BIRTHDAY IS, HOPEFULLY ITS ONE OF THE OTHER ONES WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT.
Kellyanne: Aquarius
Cartman: Pisces
OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD, THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE. I will now welcome you to a new email segment...
ASTROLOGY WITH MARIA FAITH
Alright I'm not sure where to start so we're just going to start with me, because I'm awesome. Libras are pretty cool. Well, this one is. But I also have a lot of Virgo in me. AWESOME. Are you ready to be amazed by how accurate this is? Actually, you might not know a lot of stuff cause you don't really know about my sex life, but a lot of it isn't only about sex. Sex is good.
HOW TO ATTRACT MARIA: Spend less time talking, and more time listening.
Yeah, that's true as fuck. I like to talk and its great when people are quiet so I can talk... or cry, as old Maria would do.
MARIA'S TURN ONS: Role playing and spontaneous sex.
Yeah, we'll just leave that one at that. All you gotta know is that that's very true.
MARIA'S WEAKNESSES: Misleading, needy, and selfish.
SEE, ALL TRUE. I'm very misleading, loving my husband one minute and screaming at him the next for loving Claire, which is also hypocritical. Needy... well, that's pretty self explanatory, and I'm not a selfish person, but obviously, when it comes to love and stuff, I am. Cause I had no problem, at the time, home wrecking you guys and I'm very selfish now that I won't let Cole be anywhere near Claire.
MARIA'S STRENGTHS: Highly attractive, seducing, and charming.
THOSE ARE ALL PRETTY SHALLOW... but I can roll with it. I've heard all those three things before.
MARIA CAN BE: very open to experimentation, and an experience with me is most likely going to be a memorable one ;)
HERE'S SOMETHING THAT'S VERY TRUE:
Libra's (Maria) is very sexual. So not only do I like the act of sex, I like to talk about it. That is very true.
OH AND WATCH THIS SHIT:
MARIA WOULD HAVE THE BEST SEX WITH: Capricorn, Gemini, Aquarius. Yeah, my husband is a Capricorn. ;)
MARIA APPEARS TO BE: in control of every situation (the new Maria is anyway)
MARIA'S HOT SPOTS: Lower back, back of neck, lower stomach
That is definitely the most true fact I have ever heard about myself. But then again, where does it not feel good?
I'D LOOK SEXIEST IN: baby blue, pink, and green.
BITCH, I LOOK SEXY IN EVERY COLOR.
OTHER FUN FACTS ABOUT MARIA (AND ANY OTHER LIBRAS YOU MIGHT KNOW)
- Libra is both a great lover and satisfier of your dirty needs. (muahahhaa, you're learning things about me you never knew before)
- Libra is considered very attractive to many
- Libra has good sex with every sign, as they are generally the best at having sex. (HELLL YEAAAHHH)
- Keep a Libra happy and all your sexual needs will be met. (yep yep yep)
- Libra has a glowing sex appeal.

- Libra's can be surprisingly aggressive when they get you alone (that one is also very true)

ALRIGHT GUYS THAT'S ALL FOR TONIGHT, tomorrow I'll write to someone and show them theirs. I know you want it to be you, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO IT'LL BE. I'll talk to the two of you for my family, and Claire, and I'm not going to do the kids, just Tommy and Cartman cause they're cool. And Kellyanne, but she's not a kid. Plus, Zack and Cole are the same so that'll work out well. I think I have a thing for Capricorns.... NOT LIKE I HAVE A THING FOR YOU ANYMORE, NO DON'T GET THE WRONG PICTURE.
Alright you two, have a good night.
OH, ACTUALLY, GO HAVE SEX. THEN TOMORROW WE'LL SEE IF YOUR SEXTROLOGY IS TRUE COMPARED TO WHAT YOU DO IN BED.
:)

SECRET MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zackary Rudolf Love,
it's a pleasure talking to you on this fine evening. This week has been fun, but shitty at the same time; pretty much just because I'm PMSing like crazy and my uterus hate me. OH, THAT REMINDS ME.

Yeah I'm pretty sure that's my favorite website. Another one of my new favorite websites, is this astrology website that gives you astrology facts only about sex. And, SHUT THE FUCK UP, I don't care if you don't believe it. I was reading this book once about it, and its pretty much described my life. IN FULL BLOWN DETAIL. I'm not kidding. It mentioned everything about my life, and this was right after I lost you that I read it, and man, it just described everything so perfectly. And its weird cause a bunch of this astrology stuff applies to me. I'll share new facts with you as they come. IT'S CARTMANS BIRTHDAY, ISNT IT? Tommy was down in the dumps today, but I never even realized it until this evening. I told him we'd celebrate it next weekend. But I fucking hate celebrating your birthdays. They're so fucking depressing, but its worse if we don't. I mean, the kid is NINE. I haven't seen him since he was seven... and I wonder what he looks like now. And what he's into and stuff. SO HOPEFULLY ALL THE ASTROLOGY STUFF IS RIGHT, CAUSE THATS ALL I KNOW ABOUT HIM RIGHT NOW. I mean... I know he doesn't have sex or anything, but those ones are just more interesting to read. But, then again, I don't know what it is, but I've been going through this horny phase or something. ITS LIKE.... I ALWAYS AM. Good thing me and Cole haven't been fighting. And, holy shit, ever since Cole made me those freaking amazing chocolate covered strawberry's on Valentines day, I've been craving them like crazy. I mean, honestly, how can you resist this?

YOU JUST CANT!
Okay, super duper quickly I'm going to give you an update on all the living creatures in the Faith household. Including me. In one sentence. Or two. From youngest to oldest.
Lily Anne Faith: Sits up, and is always smiling. ALWAYS. Cole and I always fight over who puts who to bed, we both want her cause she's just so easy.
Ivy Kelly Faith: has an attitude, but for the most part, a positive one. She loves her baths... and hates getting out of them... that's a pain, she can't sit up yet but she's always wriggling around and finding something to keep her busy. She seems wise to me, old and wise.
Fish: like to swim.
Skye Ella Faith: She's really independent. She's her own person. She knows what she wants, she goes with the flow. Almost everything makes her happy.
Ayden: Is still the most annoying dog in the world, and I hate when he tries to lick me.
Zackary Cartman Faith: The funniest, more playful, amazing little boy you'll ever meet. He's gonna change the world one day, that kid.
Dream: THE BEST DOG EVER.
Jaxon Taylor Faith: is so chill and funny and fairly quiet, thank God. I love that kid.
Julia Tessa Faith: The biggest sweetheart EVER.
Maria Liliana Faith: is pretty awesome, and permanently horny.
Claire Brielle Forgenson: home wrecker.... and I say that with love. :)
Cole Matthias Faith: IS THE BEST DADDY EVER AND THE BEST HUSBAND EVER (MOST OF THE TIME) AND IS SO FUCKING SEXY.
But I'm not in the mood to tell you about the sextrology stuff. I'll write to you AND Vanessa tomorrow, how does that sound? You better be thankful. You'll have to put up with me talking about the Bachelor though... sorry about that. OH WELL, VANESSA LOVES ME.

NOBODY ELSE BUT VANESSEE READ THIS

hey yall its tommy tuesday so im just gunna write now.

i dont know who this is to but not carty its still to hard.
VANESSEEE ILL WRITE TO VANESSEEE.

my dear Vanesseee,
im tired so ima be quick here. ima let you finish but beonce has one of the greatest music vids of all time. cole and maria and claire and watching the biggest loser claire really likes it. i dont know why its jsut a bunch of fat people working out and crying all the time. Vanessee i need to tell you something and its something id usually tell tom but ill just tell you cuz i like you more. im getting these feelings that i never felt before i mean i know me and carty always used to joke about sex and stuff but now im really starting to like want it and stuff. not really sex but like hardcore make out and blowjobs and i even wanna eat someone out i mean im scared to tell maria cuz im not even 11 and ya skateboridng and stuff is cooler i guess but.... ok well here it is... im kinda starting to get boners and stuff.... you know? i think im gunna talk to cole about it. ya. thats a good plan. he wont tell maria if i tell hiom not to. i cant even talk to jaxon about it its stupid but i cant help feeling it.... tnx for listenging goodnight
love tommy