That would be fucking weird. Cause I have black hair, and you have blond hair. We just couldn't switch it up. We should just both shave our heads. For cancer or something. I WOULD TOTALLY DO THAT! I'LL PROPOSE THE IDEA IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN!
Hey Vanessa!
I hope you're well... I am. I'm watching the Bachelor (obviously), Brad just went on a date with Emily (MY FAVORITE) and all went well. Now its Brad and Shawntel. MY SECOND FAVORITE! They are in the Caribbean, where I'm going to be in a month and a bit, and they are just having fun with some village people. They're talking about their feelings. "I've only told two guys in my life that I love them, and there's not doubt in my mind, I'm falling in love with you." I like the way she said that. I mean, it wasn't all serious. She said it so casually, but with feeling. It was nice. But still, you don't fall in love with someone after two dates. Unless you have REALLY good sex. I'm kidding. That's not a reason to fall in love... and no sex on the second date... jeez...
Wow, wouldn't it have been weird if I had sex with Zack? I mean, I would NOT be writing this email right now. That would have changed EVERYTHING. Wow. I'm happy that didn't happen. Maybe I shouldn't have brought that up. Sorry.
They are going to have dinner under the moonlight now. In the Caribbean. It looks kind of like Aitutaki. But Aitutaki was better. But Cole says the Caribbean will be like Aitutaki. I don't wanna go back to the actual Aitutaki without you, but THIS SHOULD BE A SOLID SECOND PLACE. Everyone thinks we're crazy.. taking four babies on a cruise... but whatever. We like to travel.
Awe, they're kissing. He implied that he was falling in love with her. That's against the rules. But he did it anyway. Now they are having a privet concert. I think Brad and Emily are a little too serious. Shawntel and Brad are more fun loving. I like it a bit better. But Emily is a better person.
THEY'RE JUMPING OFF CLIFFS IN THE "COMING UP NEXT" LIKE IN AITUTAKI. OH MY GOD I MISS THAT. Okay, back to the show.
Sorry if all this Bachelor talk bothers you by the way.
Now, its Brad and Britt. Britt has never been on a date with him. She's fucking anorexic. Shit. I don't think they're gonna have a romantic connection. They're on a yacht. The yacht date is always a sexual one. *cough* Jason and Molly *cough* WOW THOSE CLIFFS ARE PRETTY. Yeah, their yacht date... I REALLY DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU BY THIS, VANESSA, SHE GAVE HIM AN AB MASSAGE. ... PHEW. THAT FELT GOOD TO GET OUT. Okay, now their cliff jumping. Ew you can see her ribs. What a douche, he jumped before her. She probably wants to jump WITH him. She wont jump. Oh, there she goes. Must have hurt her skin and bones.
Okay, back to the house with the girls, here's the group date card.
Ashlehy, Chantelle, Michelle. message: the dawn of a new love.
(its a very sexual photo shoot)
Okay, now back to Brad and Britt.
Nope, he doesn't have feelings for her. But the night is still young. Wow its pretty. It looked SO MUCH like Aitutaki. Oh my Gosh...
whats that I smell?
....
chocolate...
I LOVE VALENTINES DAY.
Its melted chocolate.
WHAT COULD COLE BE DOING!?!?
I want Cole. Where is he? Too bad I wanna watch the Bachelor. Nope, no romance. That's okay. He's telling her how her feels... here we go...
"I wanna talk to you cause I feel so highly of you. I wanted to take today to be around you as you are and see if theres anything there. I liked our conversation, adn here's where the but comes in..."
WAIT HERE'S SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT. I HEAR COLE COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.
"WHATS THAT YOU GOT THERE?"
"Chocolate covered strawberry's, you want some?"
"I LOVE YOU COLE MATTHIAS FAITH"
Okay I'll be right back, me and Cole are bout to get DIRTY.
And covered in chocolate.
yum.
Okay we're back. Cole's here now. He says hi (in a really sexy voice)
Okay, group date. Three girls, photo shoot on a beach. It's going to be in Sports Illustrated. She's taking her top off. How wrong. Oh well, she's innocent and cute. And she was covered up with her hands and stuff. At least it wasn't Brad's hands. Chantel is looking SEXY. Wow, and she barely even tries to cover it. I would NOT do that. Even if I was still home wrecker Maria, and NOT married, I would NOT. DO. THAT. But I could totally see Claire doing this. Now psycho Michelle is on top of him making out with him. That's terrible.
Now that the commercial is on- THOSE STRAWBERRY'S WERE SO GOOD. Cole's gonna make more. It's all over my chest though.
OH SHIT NOT LIKE THAT THOUGH. I JUST EAT REALLY MESSILY.
Now he's going to apologize to the other two girls for them having to watch them make out with Michelle. He says he really likes Ashley... but I think its starting to become an old "Zack and Maria" relationship. Oh, theres always at least one in the Bachelor. She loves him way more than he likes her. But he still kinda like her, quite a bit actually, so its not there YET. Maybe Brad and Chantel. I think he likes her quite a bit though. But his favorites, in order- Emily, Shawntelle, Michelle, Chantel, Ashley. (Britt went home) She just said "I LOVE YOU, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" Oh, maybe they'll be the Zack and Maria relationship.
Brad is being "cold" today, in the girls eyes. I'm just saying he's being "A FUCKING TOOL."
So Ashley got the rose, and Chantel is PROVING HER POINT. She wants to go home now cause he likes the others more. She is being a WOMAN. YEAH, YOU GO GIRL. Shit, no she's not. She's hugging him. COME ON, CHANTEL, YOU TELL HIM OFF. PLEASE. Wow this is a heated episode.
OH WOW, NO COCKTAIL PARTY! The rose ceremony RIGHT AWAY. He's already made his decision. Ugh. Stupid Brad. I'm so lucky I have Cole. Cole just said "Brad's a fucking tool. I was kinda a tool when we were with the Love's, wasn't I? What the fuck. They see me as a Brad that's why they left." He's quite concerned. He's not a tool. He just has a fucking like steal wall that you guys didn't break down.
Intense music...
YES. OH MY GOD, MICHELLE IS LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!1 YES, YES YES, LETS SEE HER REACTION. PISSED, I SEE PISSED. MUAHAHHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!11 OH MY GOD I LOVE MY LIFE. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I JUST JUMPED WHEN I FOUND OUT. I LOVE THAT. I LOVE COLE. HE'S LOLING AT ME. IM SAYING ALL OF THIS OUT LOUD.
Okay, Michelle hasn't said a word to him. She just let him walk her to the limo, and now shes laying in it, crying.
Now he has four awesome women.
NEXT WEEK- HOME TOWN DATES!!! OOH, EMILY'S DAUGHTER DOESN'T LIKE BRAD. SHE HAS A GOOD TASTE IN MEN.
Okay, the show is over. Thank you for listening to all that crap. I'm trying to think about more subscription things we can write about. Don't worry, these subscriptions wont be about the Bachelor much longer, its almost over. Then we can talk about other stuff. Like. Boys.
But, okay, so-
Sunday- I talk to Zack about the week, and other stuff
Monday- I talk to you about the Bachelor, and soon to be other stuff
Tuesday- TOMMY TUESDAY! (officially)
Wednesday- Let's get deep, one or two of us will answer one or two personal questions.
That's good for now, I don't wanna rack my brain for ideas.
I LOVE YOU VANESSA, AND I REALLY MISS YOU AND I HOPE I CAN SEE YOU SOON!!!
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