A letter for the Lost.

Hey there. You're subscription is a little late, I know. So is Vanessa's. And so is the letter I MUST write to Kellyanne for her birthday. I'll get on all of that... I will.. I SWEAR, FROM THIS POINT ON... I'LL WRITE AS OFTEN AS I'M SUPPOSED TO! I like how I set these rules for myself. Okay, Zackary. It feels like a lot has happened in the past week. Not much has, though. Cole and I have been really good, until last night... but it wasn't too bad. We still love each other. A lot. And our love is growing. I know when all this stuff is over, and it almost is, we'll be closer than we ever have been. We just gotta stick to our counseling and not get too stressed. Claire is being really good with Cole too... actually, its Cole being really good with Claire. He never really lets her near him, but now all signs of him showing her love are gone. He treats her good and everything, but he doesn't show her anything more than just a friend... and actually, just a friend. No hugs, so laughing at each others jokes, no teasing. It's good. But I know that if I wasn't watching them like a fucking hawk, that they'd show how much they really love each other. And it sucks. Because they both really love each other. And friendship has nothing to do with that love. FUCK., FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
BUT ANYWAY, Claire is really awesome and she doesn't know this, so don't tell her... but she's coming on the cruise with us. Cole and I had a good talk about it. And don't worry too much, Zack, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN. I already told Cole- "If you do anything with her, anything at all. I'm gone. FOREVER. THAT MEANS DIVORCE, BOY." Yeah I went pretty Nazi on him about it.
Oh, wow, have I never told you the reason Cole and I started fighting? Well, a while ago, in November I think- when Claire went to that fancy thing with her friends and brought Cole, she pretended that Cole was her husband. And made him pretend that. And he had no idea what was going on at first, but later realized that.. wait for it...
CLAIRE. HAS. BEEN. MARRIED.
Wow, why can't I remember his name? Anyway, he died and she came back to us after that. It's actually really sad and it hurt my heart to hear, but it bothered me that Cole didn't tell me as soon as he found out. It actually bothered me A LOT. So, anyway, things have been good in that department lately.
Theres something wrong with me lately. I feel to... I don't know. I feel like too much of a mom. I just want to be Maria again. I'm only 23. I raise four kids. Fuck. It's stressful. And I love my kids with all my heart... but I wish I could have had them a few years from now. I've never been able to fuck around. Neither has Cole. We rushed into EVERYTHING way too fucking fast. Fuck. It's really been bothering me lately.
The weekend was just that. Stressful. We did celebrate Kellyanne's fifteenth birthday though. It was pretty sad, its probably hardest with her. The missing is just so sad. With Cartman, its fucking intense, but we laugh at the memories. And I've faced my missing you so much that I'm used to it, and it's fine, and I feel okay with you. I never knew Vanessa and Miley that well, anyway, so with Kellyanne... its really bad. But all went well, and I'll write to her later.
I feel bad that I don't want to talk about the babies, cause they do cute things now and they're all growing up. But, again, I'm stressed... and I really just need time to myself... or time alone with Cole. Yeah. I need time alone with Cole.
I feel like fucking screaming at the top of my lungs. I'm so stressed out.