Bad day

Dear Zack,

What I wrote yesterday; it was for all of you to hear. But this one is special for you, just like old times. It's the second time in two days im writing so I think we're off to a pretty solid start.

I apologize for being so depressing last night. I have no excuse for it, really, it's just the truth. I'm not a sad person. I'm not vulnerable and weak. Well okay, sometimes I feel that way lately but I'm not that hopelessly in love, home wrecking, stupid girl I was when we were together.

I don't know what to say in here but I've had a shitty couple days and writing to you yesterday made me feel a bit better so I want to do it again,

I already don't know what to say. This has been one of the worst days since the divorce. I just miss him. Cole I mean. The one I knew and loved. It sucks knowing that he's thinking of me and missing me and I'm sitting here without him. Oh well, I guess that's they way it has to be.

I can't finish writing this. Im sorry. This has been a terrible day.

SAD MARIA!?!?

Hey.

There are many ways I could write this and so many things I could say; I could apologize for never writing in here, talk about what my life is lately... The fact of the matter is I've gone almost three years without all of you and life has led me down paths I never thought I'd. come across. It's that reason that I feel like you have so much you need to know. Its that reason that I tell myself I'll start writing to you again.
But I can't.
I have everything to say to you, but nothing at all.

Life has been just that. Life. Each day is a new day. I'm a single mom with for kids and an eleven year old brother to raise, how do you think my life is? It seems so crazy, with the divorce and the kids growing up. You haven't even met them; not really. I live life day to day because I have to. I have to soak up every moment I have of my kids lives because suddenly Zack is the age Cartman was when he spied all the time. The kid has energy, and a lot of it. Skye is two. Her birthday marks the last time I saw you. She sings and she dances, she gets down on her knees each night to pray. You'd love her. I think Kellyanne would especially. The twins, the ones that you still might have no idea about; they're turning two in a few months. They run around and try to keep up with their brother and sister. They have so much life. They're all so innocent, and happy. And I'm happy too.

I used to write in here almost every day. Those were the days I wasn't devastated. I didn't cry on those day, I didn't miss you to death on those days. But I had hope. I had hope that we'd be together again someday and I truly did believe it. Then reality set in and I realized that no, I will never see you again. You are gone. I won't hear from you until I die and go to heaven. And I learned to be okay with that. I'm happy, and I've done my grieving. I'm happy again.

Today was a different story; hence the reason I'm writing to you today. Today I felt something that I haven't felt for the longest time. I felt hope. I forgot that feeling, but for just a few seconds today I felt it.
I could see, in a cloudy blur; you and I meeting again. Laughing, sipping on champaign by a fireplace catching up with one another. You, Vanessa, Kellyanne, Miley, Claire, and myself.

Cartman and Tommy being loud from another room; making a mess of whatever they could find, going on sugar highs and talking about girls.

You saw my children for the first time..
You awed over them.
You saw Skye dance.
Kellyanne was so impressed that Skye was interested in books.
You were so impressed that Zack hated books.
You called his dance moves 'funky.' cause they are. In a way, he is a lot like you.
We talked about silly little things that have never been mentioned before. Like the fact that I'm part Spanish. Im part Spanish, by the way.

I saw it for a second. And only for a second. As quickly as it came, it went just as fast. But in that glimpse of a moment, I saw all of that. And I want it.

But it's okay. You're gone.
I'm not about to let myself hurt again.

I love you :)

Hey. First things first, I want to apologize ahead of time if I'm a little down the next little while. But my goal of the week is to write EVERY DAY. Or someone to write every day. It's nice to have little goals, it gives things a purpose, you know?
Zack, you're my best friend in so many ways. I know you don't read these but I feel like you listen. I feel like you think about me sometimes. I feel like, no, I KNOW you love me in some way whether you think of me or not. In a lot of ways it's like you're dead, but knowing you're alive makes me very happy. Just to know you're out there somewhere doing something... that gives me comfort. I feel like I'm losing you all over, I feel like I'm losing ten yous because I'm losing Cole. I know it's for the best. You were my first broken heart, you know that? The death of my mom and other family and friends has killed me in my childhood, the abuse from my father was horrible, but I had never felt heart break until you all left. For some reason the divorce is the same heart break, but stronger. But this time I know I'll be okay and I know Cole will be okay. I just don't like to see him sad.
This weekend was pretty good actually. Saturday we all (we being me, Tommy, the kids, Claire and her kids) had a fire and roasted marsh mellows which was nice; it was something we hadn't done in a while. Sunday was a little bit less awkward, Cole and I never fought which was awesome. We went to Church and then out for brunch. It was nice.
I'M SORRY ZACK I'M WATCHING LONG ISLAND MEDIUM. I want to talk to you tonight but this is so interesting. Watch Long Island Medium on TLC. It's amazing.
Thanks Zack for everything, I love you.

ROUTINE= ESTABLISHED

So I've FINALLY fallen into a routine. Pretty good considering I'm a single mom raising five kids, right?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday: It's awesome, I wake up, make breakfast, wake up the kids and feed them; get everyone dressed, including myself. We take Tommy to school, I do the girls hair and my own hair and makeup and it works pretty well each morning. We do go to the park or do something outside, come back and the twins have a nap. Zack and Skye have quiet time while I do school work (I go to university from home... I did tell you I'm back in school, right?) They wake up about 40 minutes later. We do crafts and have lunch and watch TV; then they have an afternoon nap. When they wake up we pick up Tommy from school. We go a little crazy, Tommy is awesome and plays with them while I make supper, one or two of the kids will help me make dinner. We eat and I bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. The twins go to sleep and Skye and Zack watch one more show and then go to bed. Then me and Tommy hang out for a bit.

Thursday, Friday and Saturday don't have too much of a routine. On Thursday I get the kids ready and drive them to Cole's. He has them until Sunday. I do whatever I didn't have time to do when I was with the kids on those days. On Thursday and Friday I go volunteer with the kids at the hospital, something Cole and I did every day before we had kids. I relax and take time to myself or go to parties. It's nice to have that freedom I guess, but I worry about the kids when they aren't with me. I know Cole takes good care of them, and we keep in close contact. It's just different.

Sunday is the best day and the worst day. Sunday Cole comes over in the morning and we're all dressed up and get the kids dressed up and then go to Church. Cole and I agree it's important to be friends for the kids, so Sunday's are our family days. It's hard but its the best day. Although the day ends in tears if it doesn't end with a fight, it's good for the kids.

Things are getting better, I got to admit. They are difficult though. The one thing wrong with my weekly routine is that you're all not a part of it. And when I write to you I have better days. So I really am going to try.
This is hard, Zack. I hate this and I wish it didn't have to happen. I wish that it could just be there between me and Cole but its not, and it's never going to be. And we'll both learn to live with that. I also talked to Cole about writing to you the other day, he said he still wants to write to you sometimes, he just has to get his routine together. He's trying to find his own place, I'm helping him out as much as I can with the money situation.

ANYWAY I'M TIRED. Another thing about this new routine, I GO TO BED EARLY.

By the way, Zack, I know I don't say it very often anymore; but I love you. So much.

Be the Yellow Guy.

Hi. This is Maria Faith/Love speaking. So.. this isn't cool. It`s been a couple days since I`ve written. YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN'T `T DO IT! Maybe I WONT POST THIS! Just was not in the mood, you know? That's kind of why I procrastinated so much. I've kind of been having one of those days, you know, not in the best of moods; it happens to everybody I'm sure. It happens to you. You're not in a good mood every day are yah!? WELL NEITHER AM I. AND I'M MARIA I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD! But I think back to a wise man who once told me "Maria you gotta build bridges. Peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys. BRIDGES." And i said to that wise man, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" And then he explained to me... peaks and valleys Maria, peaks and valleys. Bridges, Maria. You're happy one day, you're up, you're on the top of the mountain; the peak. And then the next day in the VALLEY. In the valley of the shadow of DEATH AND YOU FEEL SO EMO, EMO TEARS OF BLOOD FALL DOWN YOUR FACE IN THE SHAME OF ENLIGHTENMENT'S. I just say words that I know, I don't think they actually go together correctly. I just say words. Anyways, so its up and down; you know what it is everybody goes through it. You're happy one day, sad the other day. And the bridges are the pathways from the peaks skipping the valley to go directly to another peak. It's just a bridge that you build that you say to yourself, "You know what? I'm not gonna be in a bad mood." NO. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS MOOD I'M IN RIGHT NOW AND I'M GONNA BE HAPPY. I'm gonna smile, take a deep breath of oxygen, I'm gonna eat three cheeseburgers... maybe you don't do that, maybe that's just me... and I'm gonna be HAPPY. And thats what you do, and sometimes its easier said than done but I am a firm believer that we can make a conscience choice to simply choose the way that we feel by DECIDING THAT. To say, you know, me (that's what I call myself when I'm alone... ME) You know what, ME? I just don't feel good right now. And I don't wanna feel that way anymore. SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA BE HAPPY. OOOOOH YEAH I AM BABY. And then I say to myself, "why are you talking in that creepy voice, that's really weird. You're scaring me."
Anyway's, one thing that doctors say that I think is true; by smiling, the simple act of smiling even if you don't feel like smiling will put you physiologically in a better mood if you choose to go like this.

Choose to be the yellow guy. No matter what the outside influences are, no matter how everyone is negative and pessimistic and thinks the whole world is going to hell in a hand bag, you can be the yellow guy.

im eating a cantelope.

SO I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE, but I thought I'd write to you.
WE'RE GONNA DO A QUIZ. YES THATS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
1: get something off your chest:
OKAY. Cole, you fucking douche, why are you always like this? Stop being a fucking child and realize that this is hard on me too. DEAL WITH IT. It's life and it fucking sucks, don't blame me for shit that isn't my fault. And DO NOT bring up the fucking past or take things out on me. GOT IT? Good.
2: The last dream I remember having:
I was with Lily in literally a field with rainbows and sunshine and bunnies and all things happy. That was the whole dream, just Lily dancing around. She was about five, and very cute.
3: My current relationship status in great detail:
THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION WHEN IM IN THE MIDDLE OF GETTING A DIVORCE. Screw detail it'll make me upset. I'm getting a divorce, and that's that.
4: My last sexual experience; when, where, who.
About a month ago, my bedroom, Cole.
YOU KNOW WHAT. I DON'T FEEL LIKE WRITING TONIGHT. I love you guys, talk to you soon.

Tommy Salami

Zack and Vanessa,
I don't know what to write about but the house is quiet right now, and that hardly ever happens so I thought I'd write to you. I should go get my pajamas on and be in bed but I'm not. I'm about to. I HAD to have a shower tonight and I forgot, usually its not a big deal if I forget cause there's other people around to take care of the kids. I have Claire, but she has her own two kids, add on my four plus Tommy and its wrong to make her take care of all of them herself just so I can get myself washed and dressed. Tommy has been a lot more mature lately, he knows he needs to take care of the kids and be like the 'man' of the house. But maybe he just feels mature cause he's in grade SIX now, and he wears deodorant and its becoming normal for guys to have girlfriends and people are having their first kisses and his voice cracks and he's losing his lisp. He's grown up SO much since you saw him. I mean it's been two years and I see him every day so the transition hasn't been a huge deal but grade SEVEN next year. I'm amazed and so proud of him for being who he is. He still acts crazy half the time but he is so mature when it comes down to it; he really knows when to be serious and when I need him he's there to help in a second. I'm proud of myself too, because its Cole and I that raised him to be this way. Here's a recent picture of him:

You can even tell in his face how much he's grown, can't you? He's almost TWELVE years old, and he'll go to grade seven in a year- and ZACK will be starting preschool next year. ZACK. It's CRAZY. His birthday is coming up and he'll be three, and that also blows my mind. A lot has changed in the past three years. More than I would have liked. But I guess in the end it was all for the best. Well, it better be. ANYWAYS, I'm rambling. Have a good night, hopefully I'll talk to you tomorrow. We'll start with the subscription thing again ;)
And sorry if I'm not upbeat for a while, I'm just BEAT. I'm so busy and so tired and SO stressed.