I love you :)

Hey. First things first, I want to apologize ahead of time if I'm a little down the next little while. But my goal of the week is to write EVERY DAY. Or someone to write every day. It's nice to have little goals, it gives things a purpose, you know?
Zack, you're my best friend in so many ways. I know you don't read these but I feel like you listen. I feel like you think about me sometimes. I feel like, no, I KNOW you love me in some way whether you think of me or not. In a lot of ways it's like you're dead, but knowing you're alive makes me very happy. Just to know you're out there somewhere doing something... that gives me comfort. I feel like I'm losing you all over, I feel like I'm losing ten yous because I'm losing Cole. I know it's for the best. You were my first broken heart, you know that? The death of my mom and other family and friends has killed me in my childhood, the abuse from my father was horrible, but I had never felt heart break until you all left. For some reason the divorce is the same heart break, but stronger. But this time I know I'll be okay and I know Cole will be okay. I just don't like to see him sad.
This weekend was pretty good actually. Saturday we all (we being me, Tommy, the kids, Claire and her kids) had a fire and roasted marsh mellows which was nice; it was something we hadn't done in a while. Sunday was a little bit less awkward, Cole and I never fought which was awesome. We went to Church and then out for brunch. It was nice.
I'M SORRY ZACK I'M WATCHING LONG ISLAND MEDIUM. I want to talk to you tonight but this is so interesting. Watch Long Island Medium on TLC. It's amazing.
Thanks Zack for everything, I love you.

ROUTINE= ESTABLISHED

So I've FINALLY fallen into a routine. Pretty good considering I'm a single mom raising five kids, right?
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday: It's awesome, I wake up, make breakfast, wake up the kids and feed them; get everyone dressed, including myself. We take Tommy to school, I do the girls hair and my own hair and makeup and it works pretty well each morning. We do go to the park or do something outside, come back and the twins have a nap. Zack and Skye have quiet time while I do school work (I go to university from home... I did tell you I'm back in school, right?) They wake up about 40 minutes later. We do crafts and have lunch and watch TV; then they have an afternoon nap. When they wake up we pick up Tommy from school. We go a little crazy, Tommy is awesome and plays with them while I make supper, one or two of the kids will help me make dinner. We eat and I bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. The twins go to sleep and Skye and Zack watch one more show and then go to bed. Then me and Tommy hang out for a bit.

Thursday, Friday and Saturday don't have too much of a routine. On Thursday I get the kids ready and drive them to Cole's. He has them until Sunday. I do whatever I didn't have time to do when I was with the kids on those days. On Thursday and Friday I go volunteer with the kids at the hospital, something Cole and I did every day before we had kids. I relax and take time to myself or go to parties. It's nice to have that freedom I guess, but I worry about the kids when they aren't with me. I know Cole takes good care of them, and we keep in close contact. It's just different.

Sunday is the best day and the worst day. Sunday Cole comes over in the morning and we're all dressed up and get the kids dressed up and then go to Church. Cole and I agree it's important to be friends for the kids, so Sunday's are our family days. It's hard but its the best day. Although the day ends in tears if it doesn't end with a fight, it's good for the kids.

Things are getting better, I got to admit. They are difficult though. The one thing wrong with my weekly routine is that you're all not a part of it. And when I write to you I have better days. So I really am going to try.
This is hard, Zack. I hate this and I wish it didn't have to happen. I wish that it could just be there between me and Cole but its not, and it's never going to be. And we'll both learn to live with that. I also talked to Cole about writing to you the other day, he said he still wants to write to you sometimes, he just has to get his routine together. He's trying to find his own place, I'm helping him out as much as I can with the money situation.

ANYWAY I'M TIRED. Another thing about this new routine, I GO TO BED EARLY.

By the way, Zack, I know I don't say it very often anymore; but I love you. So much.

Be the Yellow Guy.

Hi. This is Maria Faith/Love speaking. So.. this isn't cool. It`s been a couple days since I`ve written. YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN'T `T DO IT! Maybe I WONT POST THIS! Just was not in the mood, you know? That's kind of why I procrastinated so much. I've kind of been having one of those days, you know, not in the best of moods; it happens to everybody I'm sure. It happens to you. You're not in a good mood every day are yah!? WELL NEITHER AM I. AND I'M MARIA I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD! But I think back to a wise man who once told me "Maria you gotta build bridges. Peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys. BRIDGES." And i said to that wise man, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" And then he explained to me... peaks and valleys Maria, peaks and valleys. Bridges, Maria. You're happy one day, you're up, you're on the top of the mountain; the peak. And then the next day in the VALLEY. In the valley of the shadow of DEATH AND YOU FEEL SO EMO, EMO TEARS OF BLOOD FALL DOWN YOUR FACE IN THE SHAME OF ENLIGHTENMENT'S. I just say words that I know, I don't think they actually go together correctly. I just say words. Anyways, so its up and down; you know what it is everybody goes through it. You're happy one day, sad the other day. And the bridges are the pathways from the peaks skipping the valley to go directly to another peak. It's just a bridge that you build that you say to yourself, "You know what? I'm not gonna be in a bad mood." NO. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS MOOD I'M IN RIGHT NOW AND I'M GONNA BE HAPPY. I'm gonna smile, take a deep breath of oxygen, I'm gonna eat three cheeseburgers... maybe you don't do that, maybe that's just me... and I'm gonna be HAPPY. And thats what you do, and sometimes its easier said than done but I am a firm believer that we can make a conscience choice to simply choose the way that we feel by DECIDING THAT. To say, you know, me (that's what I call myself when I'm alone... ME) You know what, ME? I just don't feel good right now. And I don't wanna feel that way anymore. SO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA BE HAPPY. OOOOOH YEAH I AM BABY. And then I say to myself, "why are you talking in that creepy voice, that's really weird. You're scaring me."
Anyway's, one thing that doctors say that I think is true; by smiling, the simple act of smiling even if you don't feel like smiling will put you physiologically in a better mood if you choose to go like this.

Choose to be the yellow guy. No matter what the outside influences are, no matter how everyone is negative and pessimistic and thinks the whole world is going to hell in a hand bag, you can be the yellow guy.