Bad day

Dear Zack,

What I wrote yesterday; it was for all of you to hear. But this one is special for you, just like old times. It's the second time in two days im writing so I think we're off to a pretty solid start.

I apologize for being so depressing last night. I have no excuse for it, really, it's just the truth. I'm not a sad person. I'm not vulnerable and weak. Well okay, sometimes I feel that way lately but I'm not that hopelessly in love, home wrecking, stupid girl I was when we were together.

I don't know what to say in here but I've had a shitty couple days and writing to you yesterday made me feel a bit better so I want to do it again,

I already don't know what to say. This has been one of the worst days since the divorce. I just miss him. Cole I mean. The one I knew and loved. It sucks knowing that he's thinking of me and missing me and I'm sitting here without him. Oh well, I guess that's they way it has to be.

I can't finish writing this. Im sorry. This has been a terrible day.

SAD MARIA!?!?

Hey.

There are many ways I could write this and so many things I could say; I could apologize for never writing in here, talk about what my life is lately... The fact of the matter is I've gone almost three years without all of you and life has led me down paths I never thought I'd. come across. It's that reason that I feel like you have so much you need to know. Its that reason that I tell myself I'll start writing to you again.
But I can't.
I have everything to say to you, but nothing at all.

Life has been just that. Life. Each day is a new day. I'm a single mom with for kids and an eleven year old brother to raise, how do you think my life is? It seems so crazy, with the divorce and the kids growing up. You haven't even met them; not really. I live life day to day because I have to. I have to soak up every moment I have of my kids lives because suddenly Zack is the age Cartman was when he spied all the time. The kid has energy, and a lot of it. Skye is two. Her birthday marks the last time I saw you. She sings and she dances, she gets down on her knees each night to pray. You'd love her. I think Kellyanne would especially. The twins, the ones that you still might have no idea about; they're turning two in a few months. They run around and try to keep up with their brother and sister. They have so much life. They're all so innocent, and happy. And I'm happy too.

I used to write in here almost every day. Those were the days I wasn't devastated. I didn't cry on those day, I didn't miss you to death on those days. But I had hope. I had hope that we'd be together again someday and I truly did believe it. Then reality set in and I realized that no, I will never see you again. You are gone. I won't hear from you until I die and go to heaven. And I learned to be okay with that. I'm happy, and I've done my grieving. I'm happy again.

Today was a different story; hence the reason I'm writing to you today. Today I felt something that I haven't felt for the longest time. I felt hope. I forgot that feeling, but for just a few seconds today I felt it.
I could see, in a cloudy blur; you and I meeting again. Laughing, sipping on champaign by a fireplace catching up with one another. You, Vanessa, Kellyanne, Miley, Claire, and myself.

Cartman and Tommy being loud from another room; making a mess of whatever they could find, going on sugar highs and talking about girls.

You saw my children for the first time..
You awed over them.
You saw Skye dance.
Kellyanne was so impressed that Skye was interested in books.
You were so impressed that Zack hated books.
You called his dance moves 'funky.' cause they are. In a way, he is a lot like you.
We talked about silly little things that have never been mentioned before. Like the fact that I'm part Spanish. Im part Spanish, by the way.

I saw it for a second. And only for a second. As quickly as it came, it went just as fast. But in that glimpse of a moment, I saw all of that. And I want it.

But it's okay. You're gone.
I'm not about to let myself hurt again.