For some awesome people.: July 2011

Friday, July 29, 2011

Rehab Time.

Okay first of all I apologize if you're about to witness the vulnerable me. I don't really know whats about to happen but I'm in the worst mood. And I know that writing to you will, in some way or another, rehabilitate me. Cause thats what you are to me, all of you. You're my escape and my way to feel better.
Now I don't know what to say. I'm in one of those moods where I can't EXPLAIN whats wrong, I just need to be comforted and to believe that everything will be okay. The only description I have for you is that I feel like I may or may not have just lost someone who I really care about and it's all my fault. I didn't lose anyone, but thats the feeling I have. Like the feeling I had when I was back home from Aitutaki. I just knew it was over, even though I didn't KNOW it was over. I'm sure at least one of the five of you know what feeling I'm talking about. It's hard to describe, but really I just need a hug. And someone to talk to. Cause with Cole at war and everything I feel like I have to be strong and not talk about my feelings and stuff. I do what people ask of me and I don't really care for myself as much as I should. I think all the crap that happened between us ruined me because I fucked shit up with Zack and I so bad. So many bad things came from that cause I lost people I really cared about and I knew it was my fault and I had to deal with the guilt. I lost what was, what could have been, and what should have been. And it was my fault. And I just don't feel like I'm worth anything anymore. Obviously in my heart I know I am. I'm a good person and I have a good heart but I don't execute it properly and truth is I still don't know how. I have so much love for so many people and when I try to show it it fucks things up. I get so caught up in things, because I like letting people all the way in. I think the pain is worth it. I don't want to live like some old business man with wrinkles, you know? Thats what I think of when I think of people who don't love. I'd so rather love and be hurt than not love at all but sometimes it sucks. And its my fault. I love people and they give me love back but I always want more and more and more. I used to think I was so mature and wise beyond my years but I'm pretty sure I'm no different than anyone else. I'm immature and stupid. I'm not special. Well. I AM. Okay I take that part back but I don't make myself feel special. Maybe cause I'm too busy trying to make other people feel special? Actually, more likely I don't feel special because I've fucked up other peoples lives trying to love them. The people you love the most you hurt. I hurt all of you first. Now I'm hurting more people. And I gotta stop. But I can't, or, I don't want to. Because I love you and I love all these other people. I can't let any of you go and I don't want to. I just have to learn to love RIGHT. But God, I don't know if I deserve forgiveness at this point. I don't think I do. But it's what I want. More than anything.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

DA FUCK?

WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?
Look. I don't want to explain. So heres the short version. My two reasons, NOT EXCUSES.
1. Turns out Cole couldnt come home in June. We don't know how long he'll be gone. But we skype. Its all good.
2. I JUST DIDNT CARE ABOUT YOU GUYS.

I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but I think writing to you is healthy. But WEIRD THINGS HAVE BEEN HAPPENING. I'm PMSing but its NOT PMS. I actually. Miss you guys. And wanna hang out.
AND HERE I WAS THINKING I WAS OVER YOU.
Great, right?
Don't worry. I think if I write to you again I'll feel better about this all.
Its just a summer thing.
We had so many good times in summer. And I miss you a lot. But its all good.
I LIKE MUSIC SO MUCH
I MEAN OBVIOSULY
BUT
I JUST
WANNA DANCE
AND SING
LAALLALALALALALALLALALALALLALALALALALALLALAA
it could be worse. THAT WOULD NEVER DO. IM LIKIN MY CLOTHES.
giodoododasdjfbweye3yhe djksafh
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

so uima write to you more.
LALALALALALLAA
IFEEL DRUNJ
BUT IM TOTALLY SOBER
HIGH OFF LIFE
YOU ARE AMAZING

IT COULD BE WORSE I COULD BE YOU I COULD BE OUT OF LUCK AND THAT WOULD NEVER DO IM LIKUIN M Y CLOTHES IM SAFE IN MY SHOES IM GLAD YOUI R GONE AND I DINASDFJ CKSDHFJKASDHFSDA

wtf maria,.

Dear Loves,

If you`re reading this, hi. You`re awesome and yes its been FOREVER since you went away but I still miss all of you so much and want to share my life with you, regardless of whether or not you want to be a part of it again or just want to read about it (but you should totally leave a comment if you do read this) I started this in hopes of being with you again but since I`m pretty sure thats not going to happen, and I`m completely fine with not seeing you until we`re all in Heaven, this blog has become more of a release from the stresses of life. It`s a time to ramble about awesome things and make myself laugh, cause I do that a lot nowadays. If you are reading this; there`s a few things you need to know. One, I`m sorry for everything. Two, I have four kids now and I`m single. Three, I`m AWESOME. And so is my family and friends. So you should read this. OkayÉ OKAY! Stupid É

One last thing- we love you and miss you.

Not Zack?

Chances are, if anyone finds this blog, Zack or any of his family members wont be one of them. If you are one of the other people who somehow found their way to this blog; hi. I'm Maria. But your probably more curious as to who the heck Zack and The Love's are. Zack is someone I grew up with- someone who I fell in love with and made mistakes with. Vanessa is his wife. Miley, Kellyanne, and Cartman are Zacks siblings. They all live together. Tommy and Cartman were best friends. We were all so close to each other. We did everything together. We made so many memories, some good, some bad. Most of them were good, but for the wrong reasons. Everything got complicated. It was my fault. They all left. I say they left April 2009, because thats the last time we were happy; they really left September 2009. Losing them has been the hardest thing, despite all of the hard ships I've been though in my life. We were family.

We dont think we will ever see the Love's again. This blog is all the hope I have. Its just a sliver of hope, but we're surviving off of it. But who knows, maybe if YOU follow this blog it will become more popular, and then they have a better chance at seeing us again.